Once upon a time…

  there was a girl named Mar who grew up to find herself dazed and confused with a broken heart and a protective order against a man who she thought was everything she was looking for. 

I’m starting my story at the beginning of the end of a codependent relationship which just so happens to also be the beginning of my recovery journey. 

I found my life to be completely out of control and unmanageable. My life was spun out of control covering for, taking care of and putting my alcholic boyfriends needs above everything else. 

If only I loved him more, he would stop. If only I believed in him more, he would stop. If only I trusted him completely, he would stop. If only. If only. If only. 

Late summer of 2015 I was told  I’m sorry so many times that those words began to have no meaning. I covered the bruises with long sleeved shirts and lied to everyone about the black eye. 

In early October, after a series of text messages and phone calls of asking him to leave me alone.  He texted me at all hours of the day and night hurtful and hateful things. He called me from several phones he had access to. He trespassed and entered my home when I was not there. He scared my son and I had no other choice but to get the police and courts involved. If only he had listened and just left me alone. 

Where is your bottom I said over and over and over again as things kept escalating. 

But the truth is I had reached my bottom. 

After a couple of trips to the courthouse and many many tears I walked out of the courthouse with a protective order and a broken heart because I was just not enough (well that’s how I felt at the time) I was dazed and confused as to what the hell just happened to me. At that time, I didn’t realize that I was codependent.

Since December 2015 I have been going to a 12 step program. I have been reading and understanding where I’ve been and how I got there. I have been reading the Bible. I have been talking to people in recovery. 

I am early in my recovery. I am not an expert in any way shape or form in 12 step programs. I am not a therapist nor do I play one on TV. 

I’m just a girl who is on the journey to serenity. Who knows there is power in sharing my story. Who has already learned and grown so much in the past 4 months. 

And wants you to know…..I am enough. And I always was enough. 

My codependent nature clouded my judgment and belief in myself. I looked past things I shouldn’t have and didn’t ask enough questions when in my heart I knew I should have. 

I’m learning to trust myself again. 

I’m learning to forgive myself. 

I’m learning to love myself again. 

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17 Comments

  1. Mary, I am sorry he put you through that. I have often thought if things had played differently in my corner of the world it would be so different for you. I have said it before and I will say it again. You were and you are enough. You are an amazingly beautiful, kind, smart and funny women who I am proud to call my friend and confidant. Your healing journey is well under way. Just remember when you can tell your story without tears, you are there. You got this!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Mar, I love this! You are beautiful, strong, and just on the first few pages of the next chapter of the rest of your life. It’s going to be a great one. So proud of you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are a brave soul and I wish you continued success on your journey to heal and grow strong. This touches my heart as I grew up in a house like this and know how brutal it is.

    God Bless,

    Wayne

    Liked by 1 person

  4. First of all A HUGE cyberspace hug,
    second of all, THANK YOU !
    for allowing me to read my own thoughts, though your ONE experience seems to have combined my various experiences into one man.
    Please let me say how brave i think you are, and that yes, it does take time but once you decide that LOVE is the ONLY way and anything else anything less is a lie, it is the first big step to leaving the prison of false friendship behind.
    It is important for your son to see how brave his mother is because life is full of challenges and the fact that you had found the courage inside of you to seek help and to leave the cage of lies and darkness this man brought to your life is HUGE!!!
    It took me a life time and i am a pretty old seagull, but like someone said before me
    ONE STEP at a time
    I have a co dependence 12 step book, i am not at home but if you like i will send you the title when i am home.
    someone gave me the back sensing it was , is , an issue

    I look forward to reading your thoughts, and for now i want to say that i forgot my reading glasses but for this i made the effort,

    you are amazing, thank you for sharing your courage!

    and thank you for liking my post!

    This is why i like internet, it allows us to meet amazing beings
    we would not know otherwise .

    Peace, light and love on your new wonderous path!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow I just have no words to express how your comment makes me feel. This journey of writing and sharing my story has been wonderful and unexpected.

      Thank you so much for your support. We are not alone. And there is so much healing in sharing with others.
      Love and light!
      M

      Like

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