I’m starting my story at the beginning of the end of a codependent relationship which just so happens to also be the beginning of my recovery journey.
I found my life to be completely out of control and unmanageable. My life was spun out of control covering for, taking care of and putting my alcholic boyfriends needs above everything else.
If only I loved him more, he would stop. If only I believed in him more, he would stop. If only I trusted him completely, he would stop. If only. If only. If only.
Late summer of 2015 I was told I’m sorry so many times that those words began to have no meaning. I covered the bruises with long sleeved shirts and lied to everyone about the black eye.
In early October, after a series of text messages and phone calls of asking him to leave me alone. He texted me at all hours of the day and night hurtful and hateful things. He called me from several phones he had access to. He trespassed and entered my home when I was not there. He scared my son and I had no other choice but to get the police and courts involved. If only he had listened and just left me alone.
Where is your bottom I said over and over and over again as things kept escalating.
But the truth is I had reached my bottom.
After a couple of trips to the courthouse and many many tears I walked out of the courthouse with a protective order and a broken heart because I was just not enough (well that’s how I felt at the time) I was dazed and confused as to what the hell just happened to me. At that time, I didn’t realize that I was codependent.
Since December 2015 I have been going to a 12 step program. I have been reading and understanding where I’ve been and how I got there. I have been reading the Bible. I have been talking to people in recovery.
I am early in my recovery. I am not an expert in any way shape or form in 12 step programs. I am not a therapist nor do I play one on TV.
I’m just a girl who is on the journey to serenity. Who knows there is power in sharing my story. Who has already learned and grown so much in the past 4 months.
And wants you to know…..I am enough. And I always was enough.
My codependent nature clouded my judgment and belief in myself. I looked past things I shouldn’t have and didn’t ask enough questions when in my heart I knew I should have.
I’m learning to trust myself again.
I’m learning to forgive myself.
I’m learning to love myself again.