Love after Love

2015 was filled is bad decisions and me trying to hold onto a relationship that was overtaken by addiction and codependency. 

Nonsense and foolishness ruled my day. 

Once the dust settled, the healing started. The one person I needed to forgive the most was myself. I’m still working on that. It breaks my heart to know how my actions impacted me and my family. 

If I had a super power I would rewind time. So I could go back to the night he asked me to move in with me. I would ask a lot more questions and I would have trusted my gut and said no. 

Since I don’t have super powers, I had to just start from where I was and make the decision to put one foot in front of the other. 

I struggle sometimes when I am reminded of the good times we had. Doing the simple day to day things. That were all lost because of his addiction and my codependency. And simple day to day was no more. 

I heard this poem and saved it well over a year ago. Before any of this started. Proves to me again that God goes before me and He knew that one day I would cling to these words…that I found it at the exact time I need to. 

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LOVE AFTER LOVE

by Derek Wilcott

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

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I have greeted myself at my own door with elation. I am feasting on life. I am so worth it. I am filled with love and joy. 

I have started to forgive myself and love myself again.