My Truth

Standing Tall, Feeling Proud…

Quiet evening at my house tonight. Didn’t turn on the tv when I got home from work. No place to go. The house was chilly cause it’s chilly outside so I grabbed a big blanket and by 8pm was laying in my bed reading a book….. Most unusual evening here but I’ll take it. 

I spent some time reading a book about codependency and in many ways either I wrote it or it was written about me. 

I then took some time to text with a friend and I shared about my blog. So I decided to reread all of my blog posts. 

 

And tonight I feel really really good about sharing my story. Really really good about  how far I have come in this journey. Really really good about starting to trust myself. Really really good about starting to forgive myself.  

I am standing tall and feeling proud of myself. So many tools. So many great things I already know, I just needed to listen to myself. 

Thank you to those who are following my journey. Thank you for reading, liking, commenting and reblogging. Thank you for letting me know that when I’ve shared helped you. It makes my heart smile. 

This feeling proud of myself is something new for me. I have never written like I have for this blog. But this outlet has done amazing things for me. 

I am humbled by many of the comments. 

THIS is Gods plan for me and for all of us. To be in community with each other, to lift each other up. To stand tall together. We meet each other where we are just like God does. 

I was reminded this week of the story in the Bible, I think it’s in Matthew. When Jesus is talking to the young rich man and tells him to go sell his things and give it to the poor. There is treasure in heaven and to come and follow him. And the young man walks away. 

What I NOW love and appreciate about this story is the fact that Jesus let him walk away. He didn’t chase after him.  He didn’t try and re-explain it. He didn’t qualify it. He didn’t change the answer. He let him walk away.

Who knew there was stuff in the Bible about how not to be codependent. Awesome stuff right there! 

My journey to serenity continues…

I painted the pic used in this post and used Font Candy to add the text. 

My Truth

WhAt i LiKe AbOuT mE

I met with my sponsor Tuesday night and was given a homework assignment.

I get to write a list of 100 things I like about me. 

So the first thing I thought of (being the 80’s girl I am. ) I searched for the song ‘What I like about you’ by The Romantics. While I don’t know how to dance, the song made me happy to start my list. 

  

I won’t bore you with my entire list mainly because I’m still working on it. 

But I do want to encourage you to do the same. We are all so quick to point out our own faults, I could make a list in a few minutes if all the mistakes I’ve made. I could make a list very quickly of the things I don’t like about myself. 

But 100 things I like about myself, wow this could take me days. Maybe even the next week.

So here is my first 10…in no particular order

1. Kind
2. Approachable
3. Willing
4. PlAyFul
5. Supportive
6. Encouraging 
7. Resilient 
8. Creative
9. Funny
10. Sweet

This is a kinda fun thing to do because sometimes working the steps can be heavy so doing something light hearted yet really important for some positive self talk. 

My journey to serenity continues…

I painted the picture used in this post and used Font Candy to add the text. 

My Truth

The perfect storm…

I had no idea I was codependent. But the man I was dating knew. He knew because he dated someone exactly like me in so many ways. 

It’s actually a little scary how much we are alike. And I know this because she is now one of my best friends. 

I grew up in an alcoholic home.  My parents went to work each day and no one would have known that they drank to the point of passing out every night. 

I learned early that families had secrets and there were things that you just didn’t talk about. 

I was the youngest and was a pest to my siblings. I spent a lot of time with my parents and their friends. It’s part of being the youngest I guess. 

I was SUPER shy. I had learning disabilities and struggled in school. Pulled out of class for tutoring, summer school, tutors at home. I never felt I belonged.

In high school, I dated that class clown. I had friends in every click but never really belonged to any one group. I was that horrible person in high school who dropped all her friends when I was dating someone. 

I married at 23, which was way too young, to the guy who could make friends with anyone in 5 minutes if alcohol or sports were involved. I had very few friends that came to my wedding, because I had very few friends. 

My friends were his. And I wasn’t much of a drinker and didn’t know or care much about sports. But everything we did centered about him and his likes. 

My life became all about who ever I was with. It’s just who I was and i thought that’s how relationships worked. 

My needs were last. And with my husband my feelings because an after thought. I became pretty capable of doing things myself or alone or with just me and the kids. And after 16 years together I walked away. He moved in with someone else after I left with the kids.  I was broken that I wasn’t worth fighting for. 

 

Fast forward a few years and I am the single parent of 3 young men who’s father is sarcastic, mean spirited and who’s MO is to do the minimum that life requires of him. 

And who walked into my life but a familiar face from high school. We became friends on Facebook and there was something about him. He saw things in my life he wanted and told me all the things I needed to hear. 

He was dry and wanting to work a program. We went to AA step 11 meetings because they were meditation meetings. He never shared. He kept saying he wanted to get a sponsor but couldn’t find the right one. He never told me the truth about how he was feeling and that he was struggling. 

He knew my history of what I now know is codependency but shared very little about himself. We talked about all sorts of things but he was never completely honest. He always turned it into that it was about me. He wanted to take care of me. He wanted to offer stability in his completely unstable  reality. 

My life was the perfect storm for codependency. 

And my journey to stop this cycle and finding serenity continues….

My Truth

Above all else, guard your heart…

I’m feeling a little empty tonight. I’m tired.  My mind is elsewhere. I feel like I’m on the verge of tears. 

Court is at 1:30 tomorrow. Somehow I’ll have to fake it at work tomorrow until noon. 

This doodle I drew, I sent to my ex after one of his binges started. 

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

 

Lord, I know You are with me. I know You will be with me tomorrow. I know You already know the outcome. Please calm my mind and heart. Thank you for providing me with the words for the judge to hear my fear. Thank you for giving the Judge wisdom to make the right decision. In Jesus name. Amen. 

My journey to serenity continues….

My Truth

Worry does not change outcome…

Today is 75 days. 75 days ago, I committed to myself to understand my codependent nature and be willing to allow God guide my journey. 

75 days of putting one foot in front of the other. 75 one day at a time. 75 days of being stronger than yesterday. For 75 days I’ve carrying my 24 hour chip. 

Today my mind was preoccupied. Occupied by 2 things. 

First my SIL is very ill. I’ve been giving my brother breaks and hanging out with her while he runs errands or whatever he needs to do. I’ve watched her decline over the last few months. It’s hard to watch unfold and I am reminded that God is in control and things happen in Gods perfect timing.

The other thing is I have court on Tuesday. If you haven’t read my other posts, my ex boyfriend is taking me to court to dissolve our protective order. 

I felt many things today. I ran to the store today, I had a quiet moment in the car. I felt angry. Anger towards him for the lies he told himself and to me about his addiction. Anger towards myself for believing him and for not walking away when I should have. Angry towards being wrong. I thought he was part of Gods plan for me. 

Anger didn’t last long and I was sobbing in my car at the thought of having to face him in court. 

I took a deep breath and started the car. And my favorite song started to play…. 

It don’t have a job, don’t pay your bills
Won’t buy you a home in Beverly Hills
Won’t fix your life in five easy steps
Ain’t the law of the land or the government?

But it’s all you need
And love will hold us together….

Hold Us Together by Matt Maher has been my go to song when I’m feeling overwhelmed. 

I was reminded in that moment that worry does not change outcome. 

I can worry myself sick over what can happen Tuesday afternoon and it will change nothing. But what I will do is be honest with myself and the judge about how I feel if my order is dissolved. 

I can worry about my brother and his wife but worry does not change outcome. It’s actions that matters. And how I show them I love them in this stage of life matters. 

 

Many more days ahead of putting one foot in front of the other. Many more days of one day at a time. Many more days of being stronger than yesterday.  Many more days of carrying my 24 hour chip. 

Don’t worry, God’s got this. God is in control. God goes before me. 

My journey to serenity continues…

My Truth

It’s time to get real…real honest

Who am I? 
What do I love to do?
What makes me happy? 
What are my goals?
Are all the parts of my life in congruence?

 

Who am I? My name is Mar. I am a grateful believe in Jesus Christ. My friends would describe me as the nicest person they know and that I would do anything for a friend unless it would put me in jail. 

What do I love to do? I love solving problems. Giving options. Show someone there are solutions. I do this at work, I do this with my friends and I sure hope that I am doing this by writing this blog and help others struggling with codependency. 

What makes me happy? Simple things makes me happy. Watching my kids do things they love makes me happy. Painting makes me happy. Coffee makes me happy. Snuggling with my puppy makes me happy. Spending time outside having picnic, listening to music makes me happy. Having time chatting with friends makes me happy. 

What are my goals? I have struggled with this for a long time. I don’t know big picture long term goals, they seem to daunting to even think about. I can’t even get past the next payday. I have been in survival mode for so long and I’m not sure I know anything else. 

Are all the parts of my life in congruence? No they are not. And I am ok with that for now. I am working really hard to understand and think differently about codependency. And soon I will be able to really think about goals, really put a plan together to get my weight in control. The more the codependency was out of control the more my weight has been too. 

In an earlier post, I  asked 2 questions. Have you had enough? and Are you willing to try a new way of life? When you can honestly answer YES to these questions you are ready to start your recovery. 

I need to get real…..real honest with myself in a couple of areas of my life. And as I write this…

I’m ready. I’m tired of being on this treadmill. I’m only stuck becasue I’ve been afraid to do something different and fail. I’ve had enough. I’m willing to try a new way of life…..it starts today. Right here. Right now. The time is now. It’s time for me to be the best version of me. Struggles and all. 

 
My journey to serenity continues…

PS please note, I was distracted when writing this. I went to give my brothers to give him a break. He is the caretaker for his wife who is dieing of cancer. Her health is declining. There was a notable difference from when I was there a week ago. Please pray for her and my brother. 

I painted the pic used in this post. I used Google Images for the brick wall. And used Font Candy to add the text to both. 

My Truth

The price of playing poker…

Last year I thought I knew about boundaries. I thought I had boundaries. I thought I knew how that stuff worked. 

I didn’t. 

When my ex boyfriend hit a boundary what I should have done is stuck to it and give him push back but what I did is run around covering for him, made excuses and I put myself and my family at risk. 

The price of playing poker and the stakes are high. 

The price of playing poker for me was my worst nightmare…my children. When things got out of control again in July, my kids left and went to live with my ex husband. 2 of my kids left for 2 weeks. 1 just came back home last month. 

That was the darkest time of my life. After the boys left, I kicked my ex out of the house again. 

I remember sobbing on the sofa. That awful cry that no one should see. I felt so alone and crushed by what was happening around me. My kids left and my boyfriend in binge drinking and my life was a mess. 

 

I cried so much I felt dehydrated. Terrible things went through my mind. What if I wasn’t here. What if I ended it all because the pain I felt just almost too much to handle. And what stopped me, was I couldn’t leave my boys. I couldn’t burden them with the pain I was feeling. It would end my pain, but increase their pain a million times and I couldn’t let them think it was their fault, because it was mine. 

After I was out of tears, I had to figure out what to do. And I continued to make foolish decisions because all I wanted back was the sober man who said he loved me. 

But the mistake I made is that I ran after him. I continued to make excuses even to myself to justify his bad behavior. I was not truthful to my sons when they came back home about where I was and who I was with. 

It’s took me several more months to unravel my heart and head from this relationship. 

And it ended with a protective order and my broken heart. 

In some ways I feel like I am still paying the price of playing poker. It has taken time to earn my boys trust again. It has taken time to unravel my heart from his. I am healing. It will take time. More than I want it to because we what what we what when we want it. 

All things happen on Gods perfect timing. God is working in my life everyday. And I am grateful to have finally be in this place and not in that place anymore. 

My journey to serenity continues…

The graphic used in this post was created with the help of Google Images and Font Candy to add the text.