Dear Judge…

My ex boyfriend has filed a motion to dissolve my protective order. I have to go to court AGAIN in 20 days. 

If I get 10 minutes to say something, this is what I’d say. Please know there was 10 months of stuff that lead to this place. And a friendship that was over 20 years although we lost contact now and then. What happened was scary but I know it could have been so much worse. I am a lucky one. One who got out and got out alive. My heart breaks for women who had it worse than I did. I am so blessed and I know I was one or two or three more days away from it being worse. 

  
Dear Judge- 

My 2 year protective order was issued 6 months ago.  

Mr X is an alcoholic. And I am codependent. His Alcholism was completely out of control and I was trying hard to save him from himself. 

For months and months I tried and I put myself and my family at risk. 

I reached my bottom before he did. 

I asked him to leave me alone. I told him to leave me alone. I begged him to leave me alone. I yelled at him to leave me alone. I screamed at him to leave me alone. 

And then I stopped answering his calls and text messages. 

Saturday he called and sent text messages. 

Sunday he called and sent more text messages. All unanswered. 

Monday I was slammed with calls and text messages from 3 phones he had access to. On my lunch break, I called the police and asked what I can do. Nothing until he does something. 

Tuesday I was HAMMERED with calls and text messages from 3 phones all hours of the day and night. I called the police and said its getting worse. What can I do. I need help. Nothing I can do until he does something. 

Tuesday night I talked to my BFF and said its getting worse. He’s going to come to my house. (After all he was squatting in a house just a few blocks away) I told her this is how women get killed and I was living some made for TV lifetime drama mini movie.

Wednesday more of the same. There were a few hours of quiet and I thought he got it…..and then it started again. I could block the number, but I couldn’t. 

Wednesday around 4 my youngest son 11 at the time just got home from school and called to say he had a great day and see you when you get home. 

I got a second call 15 minutes later but this time from the house phone… Which was weird. The very second my son said Mom, I knew something was wrong. ‘Mom, x is here and he wants to talk to you’ ‘I’m on my way and the police are too. Stay there, I’ll be home in a minute, don’t tell x but know I’m coming’

x got on the phone and said ‘hi baby talk to me, I just want to talk to you’

‘You have scared my son, get the fuck out of my house.’ I said back. 

I had my keys in my hand and was running to the elevator before I hung up the phone. 

I called 911 and the police arrived a minute before I did. I had green lights the short drive home. 

I knew he was drunk when he walked into MY house and scared MY son. But what I didn’t know is that he had fallen on the walk over to my house and cut his face and hands. He had blood dripping down his face when he walked in my house and said ‘hi ooo is your mom home, I want to talk to her.’ He left a bloody hand print on my back door and door knob and on the back gate too. 

I will NEVER forget the fear I heard in my sons voice that day. 

x was given a no trespass order and I was sent to the magistrates office to see if I could get an emergency protective order. The magistrate didn’t see a problem with my drunk ex boyfriend walking into my house and my request was denied. 

I will NEVER forget the fear and defeat I felt for not being able to protect my family. 

Thursday was filled with more messages and calls. None of which I answered. 

There were lots of baby please talk to me messages and there were lots of hateful awful messages too. 

Thursday I went to the courthouse and got a 2 week protective order. I just had to wait for it to be served to him. 

Weeks before I starting sleeping on the sofa because I wanted to guard my family. There would be no reason for him to go upstairs. 

Friday 5 AM I am woken up by x POUNDING on the front door. Over and over he pounded on the door. I said a prayer, please don’t wake my boys up. 

I could see him but he didn’t notice me. I will NEVER forget the fear I felt looking at him from the frosted window next to my front door. I will NEVER forget the look on his face. He looked like he has been in a fight. He started to walk away. As I called 911 (he violated the no trespass order) I was shaking. My hands trembled holding my phone. I some how hit the light switch and the front light went on and I quickly turned it back off. He turned around and started to head back to my front door and then walked away. The police arrived a few minutes later and they couldn’t find him. 

Friday I went to work but couldn’t focus. I told a coworker what happened and that I was so scared he was going to break the glass next to the door or my back French Doors that were all glass and get in the house. My coworker told me of a 3M product that stores use to protect glass from easily being broken. I called a place and they installed it for me that afternoon. In fact the owner came personally to install it and said I couldn’t let you go one day feeling unsafe. 

Friday was home coming at the high school. I was afraid to leave the house to take my older son to and from the dance but I did it anyway because it’s what you do for your kids. 

X was finally served with the protective order really late Friday night/Saturday morning. 

Ok he’ll get it now, I really did mean it, leave me alone. 

But he didn’t. He texted and called me Saturday and with each text I called the police. 

He was picked up Sunday for violating the protective order and trespassing from Friday. 

Monday he called me from jail. 15 times in 32 minutes. He was in jail for violating my protective order and called me from jail 15 times. I blocked the number and the jail took his phone privileges away. 

I have had several months of peace now. Please do not dissolve my protective order. Please do not allow the fear to be back in my heart and in the heart of my kids because of x. Let my youngest worry about school and band and scouts and other things that 12 year olds worry about not be worried that some out of control alcoholic is going to hurt his mom. Let my 15 year old forget that the first night x started drinking was on his 15th birthday. That x was so freaked out about us going out to dinner with my ex husband to celebrate, he preferred to be passed out on the sofa with sun glasses on and headphones blaring on 10. That we cut his birthday cake on my bed and opened presents in my bedroom. 

Many of our scars are ones you can not see. Let us continue to heal knowing we are protected from x. 

Thank you. 

Mar

My journey to serenity continues…

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16 thoughts on “Dear Judge…”

  1. I work in a law office. Do you keep records of text messages? Can you get printouts of phone records proving the harassing nature of his actions? (If you haven’t already) showing physical paper data of the harassment and aggressiveness of the messages along with the alcoholism (blood on your property) should be enough for a permanent OFP or HRO. Also I would take these records and file an actual report with the police. Everyone in the law department needs to know your serious concern and be watching for him. Good luck-keep us posted.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I will consider bringing them and talk to them and see how they are feeling about it.

      What you don’t know is that he is in jail on another matter. And has pending time in another country. So the great news is he would only be able to write or call me if for some reason the order gets dissolved.

      Praying for the best outcome on the 26th. Have giving this to God to handle and am not getting my healing and progress derailed while waiting.

      Worry does not change outcome!!!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Mary I am so sorry X put you and your boys through all of that and sadly I know from experience it was probably worse than you are saying.
    2 and a half years into it I still have that same fear and sadly you got to witness some of that fear on April 1st X has placed in me. It’s an undescribable fear that resonates from the core. A true fight or flight fear and I will be honest flight seems the easier of the roads but X keeps harrassing and keeps intimidating and coming at us. The only thing we can do is fight and help the legal system help us.
    It’s a perverse system and one with A LOT of flaws and loop holes and those are the places these type of predators hide. It’s scary and frightening that the system is as corrupt as X. Unfortunately, you are right this is how women die in these situations and sadly my situation is a perfect example of the flaws in the system and the very real potential danger that I have to face for my family.
    However God being the forgiving and loving God He is has blessed me with two amazing women who are my best advocates. I am blessed enough to have an attorney I am sure is wonder woman or a wonderful twin. I also have you who has been at many times my strength and on Friday my voice of reason and sanity. Together we can and will get through our up coming court dates and we will be victorious with the grace of God.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. The system is so messed up that this can happen. Hoping things go your way and that it sticks. When it affects your kids, it’s whole new matter. If you haven’t already (and you probably have), please make sure he has someone to talk about this (counselor, paster, etc) so he can get through it and heal as well. These things can have a way of resurfacing later in odd ways. Will keep thinking of you all.

    Liked by 1 person

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