In an earlier post (When Life Kicks You) mentioned that my sons and my ex husband are having some struggles.
My ex husband has a sarcastic and mean spirited sense of humor. This has negatively impacted the boys just like it did me. And has caused some confusion on how someone could say that to someone they love.
A week or so ago, the straw that broke the camels back happened and the boys are pulling away from their dad. I don’t blame them and am letting it play this out.
The boys and I talked about how someone can say something and then we repeat it in our head over and over and over. That we become our own bully by repeating things to ourselves that are mean and likely untrue. We give that little devil on our shoulder ammunition.
Yesterday I had the same experience with my sister in law. I know she meant well and not the first time she has said something like she did last night.
So what you don’t know about me is that I am overweight. I have been for a long time. It’s been part of my stop sign to others that I’m not lovable because who would love someone as big as me. It’s been my armor and I hate it. I don’t like being this big. I don’t like being judged by others. I don’t like that I can’t do things that others can do without thinking. I don’t like being limited on my cloths selection. I don’t know the person I see in the mirror. I don’t like a lot of things about this but it’s where I am and when I’m ready I’ll go there. Actually healing other parts of my life is helping healing this part too. It’s all tied together. And I know that.
So yesterday I’m feeling good about where I am. I got a new shirt and I was feeling cute and sassy. I can’t even remember when I felt cute or sassy let alone both at the same time.
I stopped at my brothers and after some time my sister in law says…. ‘Please don’t be offended but….’
When ever someone says don’t be offended but or don’t be mad but or I don’t mean to hurt your feelings but ….they about to say something offensive, madding or hurtful. Anytime you prequalify a statement, it’s that statement that you really want to say.
It’s was all I could do not to tear up. I mean really do you know think I know. Do you think I need someone to point it out to me? It’s really so not helpful. And in fact it could trigger me into a spin out.
I know I don’t have to tell you guys who read my posts and I’m sure you can relate.
Words hurt. And they hurt even more when they are said by someone who loves you.
I’m trying to quiet that little voice in my head. That devil on my shoulder. Trying hard to tell it to go fuck off. Because I am not just the wrapper I’m in. I am so much more and I am worthy of love and I am enough just how I am. And God sees and love me.
My journey to serenity continues…