Self Portrait… 

I painted this picture about 2 years ago when I first started to paint.  

After I painted it, one of my friends laughed and asked if it was a self portrait.

 When I painted it that was not the intention. I looked at different sugar skulls and put pieces together that I liked. But after my friend asked me, I started thinking about it, maybe it is. 

 
The mouth being stitched together was from when I was married, I didn’t have a voice. My opinion didn’t matter. My feelings were not considered. In fact, I was an after thought. 

I shut down communication because it just didn’t matter. He thought my lack of communication meant everything was ok. I knew it wasn’t. And when I just couldn’t take his lack of responsibility and selfishness anymore, I told him that this was not what I signed up for and after a 16 year marriage full of broken promises and disappointments (not to mention his drinking, sports gambling and spending money we didn’t have on sports memorabilia) I had to walk away.

The tear rolling out of my eye is for all the nights I quietly cried myself to sleep. 

And even in my last relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend, there were several times that I cried because he was drunk and he didn’t even notice. 

Her pretty long red/pink hair is nothing like my short brown hair, although I have colored my hair pink several times. 

The flowers in her hair are part of her mask. To not show that you are hurting or don’t love yourself but show the world that you are fine. 

Her eyes are sad, if anyone bothered to notice. 

I have looked at this picture for 2 years now and I love her.

While some days I struggle to love myself and don’t like where I am physically, emotionally or financially, I keep putting one foot in front of the other. One day I’ll end up where I was meant to be.

My name is Mar and I am codependent. I’m in a 12 step recovery program and working hard to stop this cycle.

My journey to serenity continues…

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13 Comments

    1. Thanks so much for reading it.
      Codi is funny cause we think we are just being nice or doing the right thing. Its counterintuitive. It’s about a different kind of control.
      Last year really took it to the surface but it was always there, it’s part of who I am.

      Anyway, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, make the next right decision.

      Thanks again!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I love this painting! I can understand your analysis but how about just enjoying the fact that you are able to express your emotions all by yourself? you do not copy anyone else’s idea of life, that must mean you are able to stand on your own two legs and carry the weight of a self! I had written about step 4 in codependence, check it out , if you like!
    I love the simplicity and the choices of color, a talent of expressing yourself . Do you feel close to Mexican culture? Flowers are not just to please they are a sign of growth!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you!!!
      I’ll go check out what you shared about step 4.
      I’m working on 4 which flows into 5.

      My paintings are simple but that’s what I love about life….the simple things. I’m not close to the Mexican culture but have always loved sugar skulls and day of the dead celebration.

      Flowers are a sign of growth….thank you for reminding me. =]]

      Like

  2. and provide for those who grieve in Zion– to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.
    Isaiah 61:3

    Liked by 1 person

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