April 14, 2016
I have tried a several times to write to you these last few months. For months I have with pen in hand been frozen to start the first words on the blank pages in this notebook.
I didn’t know where to start until today. Until I read a blog from someone else and it clicked.
I’m sorry for all the times that I tried to rescue you. To save you from yourself. It was not my place.
My actions were from a good place and with good intentions. From a place of what I thought was love. How I thought I was supposed to help. You knew I was codependent long before I did.
Our actions and reactions fed off each other. You would fall and I would dive in the way to soften your landing. Hurting myself in the process and preventing you from growing from the experience. Others have done that for you as well. Your growth was stunted a long time ago.
I’m sorry that it took me as long as it did to realize that consequences of your actions are for you to manage without my involvement.
You asked for my help. You lied to me about where you were in life. You lied to me about everything. I don’t think any of it was real. Because your addiction was in control of you.
I know like I know like I know that you wanted to get yourself out of the pit you found yourself in. I know you saw in me, things you wanted for your life. And at first were willing to stay sober to get it. And when you started to spin, you took me with you and I willingly went not understanding what was happening. And so the dance began of you drinking and me saving or trying to anyway.
So now it is time for you manage the consequences of your actions so that you can grow into the man you are meant to be.
And now is the time for me to manage the consequences of my actions so that I can grow into the women I am meant to be.
Your consequences are different than mine. My actions were different from yours. And we will have to do this apart.
My journey to serenity continues…