Last year I thought I knew about boundaries. I thought I had boundaries. I thought I knew how that stuff worked.
When my ex boyfriend hit a boundary what I should have done is stuck to it and give him push back but what I did is run around covering for him, made excuses and I put myself and my family at risk.
The price of playing poker and the stakes are high.
The price of playing poker for me was my worst nightmare…my children. When things got out of control again in July, my kids left and went to live with my ex husband. 2 of my kids left for 2 weeks. 1 just came back home last month.
That was the darkest time of my life. After the boys left, I kicked my ex out of the house again.
I remember sobbing on the sofa. That awful cry that no one should see. I felt so alone and crushed by what was happening around me. My kids left and my boyfriend in binge drinking and my life was a mess.
I cried so much I felt dehydrated. Terrible things went through my mind. What if I wasn’t here. What if I ended it all because the pain I felt just almost too much to handle. And what stopped me, was I couldn’t leave my boys. I couldn’t burden them with the pain I was feeling. It would end my pain, but increase their pain a million times and I couldn’t let them think it was their fault, because it was mine.
After I was out of tears, I had to figure out what to do. And I continued to make foolish decisions because all I wanted back was the sober man who said he loved me.
But the mistake I made is that I ran after him. I continued to make excuses even to myself to justify his bad behavior. I was not truthful to my sons when they came back home about where I was and who I was with.
It’s took me several more months to unravel my heart and head from this relationship.
And it ended with a protective order and my broken heart.
In some ways I feel like I am still paying the price of playing poker. It has taken time to earn my boys trust again. It has taken time to unravel my heart from his. I am healing. It will take time. More than I want it to because we what what we what when we want it.
All things happen on Gods perfect timing. God is working in my life everyday. And I am grateful to have finally be in this place and not in that place anymore.
My journey to serenity continues…
The graphic used in this post was created with the help of Google Images and Font Candy to add the text.