Today is 75 days. 75 days ago, I committed to myself to understand my codependent nature and be willing to allow God guide my journey.
75 days of putting one foot in front of the other. 75 one day at a time. 75 days of being stronger than yesterday. For 75 days I’ve carrying my 24 hour chip.
Today my mind was preoccupied. Occupied by 2 things.
First my SIL is very ill. I’ve been giving my brother breaks and hanging out with her while he runs errands or whatever he needs to do. I’ve watched her decline over the last few months. It’s hard to watch unfold and I am reminded that God is in control and things happen in Gods perfect timing.
The other thing is I have court on Tuesday. If you haven’t read my other posts, my ex boyfriend is taking me to court to dissolve our protective order.
I felt many things today. I ran to the store today, I had a quiet moment in the car. I felt angry. Anger towards him for the lies he told himself and to me about his addiction. Anger towards myself for believing him and for not walking away when I should have. Angry towards being wrong. I thought he was part of Gods plan for me.
Anger didn’t last long and I was sobbing in my car at the thought of having to face him in court.
I took a deep breath and started the car. And my favorite song started to play….
It don’t have a job, don’t pay your bills
Won’t buy you a home in Beverly Hills
Won’t fix your life in five easy steps
Ain’t the law of the land or the government?
But it’s all you need
And love will hold us together….
Hold Us Together by Matt Maher has been my go to song when I’m feeling overwhelmed.
I was reminded in that moment that worry does not change outcome.
I can worry myself sick over what can happen Tuesday afternoon and it will change nothing. But what I will do is be honest with myself and the judge about how I feel if my order is dissolved.
I can worry about my brother and his wife but worry does not change outcome. It’s actions that matters. And how I show them I love them in this stage of life matters.
Many more days ahead of putting one foot in front of the other. Many more days of one day at a time. Many more days of being stronger than yesterday. Many more days of carrying my 24 hour chip.
Don’t worry, God’s got this. God is in control. God goes before me.
My journey to serenity continues…