My Truth

Meeting Takeaways…

Hi my name is Mar and I struggle with codependency. 

I never noticed that other people said ‘I struggle with’ and not that ‘I am’. What an awesome mind shift. My codependency does not define me. 

I am working on the parts of me that are broken. Those parts that made me think that codependency meant you love someone.  The parts of me that makes me want to control things that I can’t. 

I am Mar and I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ and I struggle with codependency. 

If you have not followed my blog for long you may not know that I attend Celebrate Recovery (CR). It’s a Christ Centered 12 step program. It’s for anyone who struggles with hurts, hang-ups or habits. What we struggle with may be different, what got us to walk into the meeting may be different BUT how you heal and recover is exactly the same. 

The start of the meeting is with the worship band. They sang a song I never heard before. 

Break Through by Don Moen

Break through all my doubts
Break through
Break through all my fears
Break through
That I may worship You
Break through

Break through all my pain
Break through all my guilt and my shame
Break through like only You can do

You are brighter than my darkest night
Stronger than my toughest fight
Just one touch from You my King my Friend
And I’ll never be the same again
O break through all my pain

Break through all my guilt and my shame
Break through like only You can do
O break through like only You can do
O break through like only You can do

  

Only with God can I recovery from my doubts, fears, pain, guilt and shame. 

I am not my doubts.
I am not my fears.
I am not my pain.
I am not my guilt.
I am not my shame. 

I am stronger than yesterday. 
I am perfectly imperfect.
I am joy.
I am love.
I am light.

I am forever changed. 

I am Mar and I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ and I struggle with codependency. 

My journey to serenity continues…

I painted the pic and used Font Candy to add the text in this post. 

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My Truth

Sometimes you forget…

Sometimes you forget just how far you have come until you are reminded. 

In reading others recovery blogs I find hope in their stories and sometimes I catch myself being upset that I’m not part of my ex boyfriends recovery. And then I quickly remember that he is not in recovery and thats one of the many  reasons we are no longer together. 

I remember waiting for his recovery kept me stuck in codependency. I kept giving him one more chance again and again because what if this was the time he would stay sober.  What if this was the time and I walked away. How could I do that. 

  
And that what if, would end as soon as the next binge started and my heart full of hope and wanting him to succeed would shatter again. 

And so the merry go round started. Again.

Now that I’m no longer willing to play on that merry go round. 

I need to remember how far i have come since I walked away.

I noticed the other day that I was walking  taller. There was a different stride in my step. I was happy over the silliest things. I think about things and grin ear to ear again. Such a different feeling.

I’m starting to go places my ex and I have been and he is not the first thing on my mind. I hear a song on my play list and it’s not about him. It’s just a great song.

Is everything where I want it to be?  No. But am I where I was 7, 5 or even 3 months ago? NO. 

Progress not perfection.

My heart is healing. My mind is settled down. I’m finding myself again. 

I am cutting yourself some slack. I am giving yourself a break. It took me time to get into that place and it will take time to get me to the next place. But I will enjoy every step of the journey.

Sometimes you forget just how far you have come until you are reminded…

My journey to serenity continues…

Thank you Google Images for the graphic. 

My Truth

Tomorrow is not promised…

I had a wonderful weekend with a couple at their home which was out of town for me. I never go out of town. I stay within my 5 mile bubble. I live, work and worship within a 5 mile radius. 

I went to school with them but have not seen them in person since we graduated high school cough cough 29 years ago. 

I learned a few things about myself this weekend. I learned about trying new things because that is how you find what you like. 

 
I learned that you can pick up a friendship not only where you left off but even closer than you dreamed. 

I learned that doing things outside your comfort zone helps you grow. 

I learned that it’s ok to talk about secrets because this gives a friend an opportunity to support you in ways that feeds their soul as much as it does yours. 

I was reminded that tomorrow is never promised and not growing, staying isolated and afraid to try new thing only robs you from the experience. 

Be present, enjoy today for the gifts it offers to you because tomorrow is not promised…

My journey to serenity continues…

I painted the pic used is this post and used Font Candy to add the text. 

My Truth

Tidal wave of emotions…

30 days ago I started this blog and have written everyday since.  

I am blown away from the support I have found here. I was afraid to be open and expected harsh feedback and have found the opposite. 

It’s funny to me that many of my core group of friends just don’t know what to say and complete strangers have lifted me up and said the perfect thing. 

It makes my heart smile that I have been able to use my artwork in the posts. That in itself brings me to tears because this is two different things that are part me. My simple artwork and my writing that I never knew I was able to do. 

Me being raw, real and vulnerable. Me not being afraid to say what’s on my heart. Me not being afraid to let me voice be heard. 

 

It’s embarrassing to admit that you have been codependent. It’s embarrassing to share that you were in an abusive relationship. It’s embarrassing to admit that you made mistakes. 

I have learned so much about myself because of writing about it where I have been and because of reading others blog posts. It’s sparks something inside me.

Thank you for reading, liking, commenting and following my journey it means more to me than you could ever know. 

I can’t wait to see where this journey takes me. To see what God has planned for me. God does not waste our pain. I already see myself sharing my story at a Celebrate Recovery (CR) meeting. I already see myself leading a CR meeting or step study group. And I also see more in my future.  But until that time, I will continue to heal and grow. I will continue to share my story and I will continue to be grateful for the lessons learned from where I’ve been for had I not been there, I wouldn’t be here. 

My journey to serenity continues…

Ps I painted this pic and used Font Candy to add the text

My Truth

Letter to my alcoholic ex boyfriend….

April 14, 2016

Dear XXXXXX-

I have tried a several times to write to you these last few months. For months I have with pen in hand been frozen to start the first words on the blank pages in this notebook. 

I didn’t know where to start until today. Until I read a blog from someone else and it clicked. 

 

I’m sorry for all the times that I tried to rescue you. To save you from yourself. It was not my place. 

My actions were from a good place and with good intentions. From a place of what I thought was love. How I thought I was supposed to help. You knew I was codependent long before I did. 

Our actions and reactions fed off each other. You would fall and I would dive in the way to soften your landing. Hurting myself in the process and preventing you from growing from the experience. Others have done that for you as well. Your growth was stunted a long time ago. 

I’m sorry that it took me as long as it did to realize that consequences of your actions are for you to manage without my involvement. 

You asked for my help. You lied to me about  where you were in life. You lied to me about everything. I don’t think any of it was real. Because your addiction was in control of you. 

I know like I know like I know that you wanted to get yourself out of the pit you found yourself in. I know you saw in me, things you wanted for your life. And at first were willing to stay sober to get it. And when you started to spin, you took me with you and I willingly went not understanding what was happening. And so the dance began of you drinking and me saving or trying to anyway. 

So now it is time for you manage the consequences of your actions so that you can grow into the man you are meant to be. 

And now is the time for me to manage the consequences of my actions so that I can grow into the women I am meant to be. 

Your consequences are different than mine. My actions were different from yours. And we will have to do this apart.

Mar 

My journey to serenity continues…

My Truth

Self Portrait… 

I painted this picture about 2 years ago when I first started to paint.  

After I painted it, one of my friends laughed and asked if it was a self portrait.

 When I painted it that was not the intention. I looked at different sugar skulls and put pieces together that I liked. But after my friend asked me, I started thinking about it, maybe it is. 

 
The mouth being stitched together was from when I was married, I didn’t have a voice. My opinion didn’t matter. My feelings were not considered. In fact, I was an after thought. 

I shut down communication because it just didn’t matter. He thought my lack of communication meant everything was ok. I knew it wasn’t. And when I just couldn’t take his lack of responsibility and selfishness anymore, I told him that this was not what I signed up for and after a 16 year marriage full of broken promises and disappointments (not to mention his drinking, sports gambling and spending money we didn’t have on sports memorabilia) I had to walk away.

The tear rolling out of my eye is for all the nights I quietly cried myself to sleep. 

And even in my last relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend, there were several times that I cried because he was drunk and he didn’t even notice. 

Her pretty long red/pink hair is nothing like my short brown hair, although I have colored my hair pink several times. 

The flowers in her hair are part of her mask. To not show that you are hurting or don’t love yourself but show the world that you are fine. 

Her eyes are sad, if anyone bothered to notice. 

I have looked at this picture for 2 years now and I love her.

While some days I struggle to love myself and don’t like where I am physically, emotionally or financially, I keep putting one foot in front of the other. One day I’ll end up where I was meant to be.

My name is Mar and I am codependent. I’m in a 12 step recovery program and working hard to stop this cycle.

My journey to serenity continues…

My Truth

Keep Calm and swim on…

 Its been a rough week. 

Work stuff.

Ex husband stuff.

Ex boyfriend stuff. 

Emotional stuff. 

Seems I have a lot on my plate right now. 

So all I can do is stay calm and swim on. 

 
All I can do at work is do my job and do it well. Keep my head down and focus on my role. The changes going on at work will either work out and benefit the entire team or it won’t and they will change the process again. I can only control my contribution. 

All I can do is listen to and support my sons while they work through the stuff with their dad (my ex husband). Give them advise and let them know I understand. 

All I can do is tell the judge the facts and how I feel about my ex boyfriend and his request to dissolve my protective order. And the Judge will decide what to do. 

All I can do with the voice in my head that repeats unkind words that was said to me is to quiet it down with the truth. I am not those things. 

All I can do is control me. Control my reactions, feelings and self talk. All I can do is look up and say Lord, please help me with these things in my life. Guide my footsteps, words and thoughts. Provide wisdom, courage, strength and grace.

I have no regrets because I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. 

I will not worry about things I can not control because God is in control and he knows the rest of my story and will walk with me to that place. 

I will lean on my faith in Gods promise to me. 

 
My journey to serenity continues…

I painted the pictures used in this post and used Font Candy to add the text.