Keep Calm and…

This recovery thing is hard work. It’s all consuming in some ways because I am trying to reprogram my default reaction to be something new, something healthy when codependency has been all I’ve ever known. And how everyone knows me. 

I think a few of my non recovery friends are tired of the 12 step speak. They are not used to me being so open about my faith.  They don’t get it. And I’m ok with that. 

 
I am busy working my program. Busy unraveling a lifetime of events that got me to this place and learning how to be a better me with the new knowledge and understanding. 

A few years ago, I worked with business loans and we would get appraisals done for building loans and one line item always stuck out to me….’the highest and best use’ It’s about evaluating what’s the purpose, given the location, can it be changed and be something else?. So recovery is becoming to me an awesome way for me to figure out my highest and best use. 

I mentioned in an earlier post that goals have been hard for me, I can’t see that far down the road. In recovery, it’s one day at a time and some days it’s one hour or one minute at a time.

Goals to me are scary because there are things out of my control, what if I fail? What if I take longer? Codependency is about control. I have avoided even thinking about goals. 

No goals had caused me to not know where I’m going. No plan. Just making it to the end of the day, white knuckling it. 

In my recovery, I am learning to let go. I am learning to just listen to my heart and write about whatever God has put in my heart. Trusting God. I can’t control the things around me. My life was unmanageable when I was trying so hard to do so. Only God can restore me to sanity.

Its ok that not all my friends get why I’m in recovery. It’s not there’s to get I suppose and if we are still friends during this journey they will get to see the best version of me, the highest and best use of me and if we are not, that’s ok too. They were part of the beginning of the ride. 

Blogging is really helping me think about me and what I want and need and I can just ramble and think things through…like tonight. Keep calm and blog on. =]] 

My journey to serenity continues…

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Keep Calm and…”

  1. Control ia an illusion but God is real.
    I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
    Galatians 2:20

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I remember the surprise I felt when I read about how we addicts want to be masters of every aspect of our life. We want to write the script, direct the actors, set the lighting, and so forth. I thought, “Wait, being in control is bad?!” I’m still learning to let go of my false assumption that I’m in control of anything. I still try to control things. I’m a bit of an opposite on the goal front. I love goals. I love to achieve things. It drives me forward. But I also hate to fail. So I come unglued inside when things don’t go according to plan. I’ve been trying to set goals that are smaller and okay if I make a mistake. I’m building a detached garage right now and I was getting angry that I wasn’t getting enough done each day. My wife reminded me the was no schedule. Whatever I get done each day is good. I’m trying to be at peace with that and let go of my control.

    A friend shared a thought the other day on his blog, he said, “I’m trying and I give myself permission to fail.” That seemed like a good idea. But now that I’m writing it out to you I wonder if it isn’t another form of control. I.e. If I fail it’s okay because I said it would be okay. I failed but I’m still in control.

    Hah! Sounds like I still have some work to do 😊. I’ll try not to make it a goal. I’ll just try my best and whatever comes I’ll take it.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s