This recovery thing is hard work. It’s all consuming in some ways because I am trying to reprogram my default reaction to be something new, something healthy when codependency has been all I’ve ever known. And how everyone knows me.
I think a few of my non recovery friends are tired of the 12 step speak. They are not used to me being so open about my faith. They don’t get it. And I’m ok with that.
A few years ago, I worked with business loans and we would get appraisals done for building loans and one line item always stuck out to me….’the highest and best use’ It’s about evaluating what’s the purpose, given the location, can it be changed and be something else?. So recovery is becoming to me an awesome way for me to figure out my highest and best use.
I mentioned in an earlier post that goals have been hard for me, I can’t see that far down the road. In recovery, it’s one day at a time and some days it’s one hour or one minute at a time.
Goals to me are scary because there are things out of my control, what if I fail? What if I take longer? Codependency is about control. I have avoided even thinking about goals.
No goals had caused me to not know where I’m going. No plan. Just making it to the end of the day, white knuckling it.
In my recovery, I am learning to let go. I am learning to just listen to my heart and write about whatever God has put in my heart. Trusting God. I can’t control the things around me. My life was unmanageable when I was trying so hard to do so. Only God can restore me to sanity.
Its ok that not all my friends get why I’m in recovery. It’s not there’s to get I suppose and if we are still friends during this journey they will get to see the best version of me, the highest and best use of me and if we are not, that’s ok too. They were part of the beginning of the ride.
Blogging is really helping me think about me and what I want and need and I can just ramble and think things through…like tonight. Keep calm and blog on. =]]
My journey to serenity continues…