I’m feeling a bit sad tonight.
It was a year ago this week that the 6 months of chaos began. A year ago tonight I had no idea what was about to happen. Looking back I feel like such a fool that I didn’t see it coming.
We were preparing for my sons birthday. We went shopping for gifts and talked about the fact that we were going out to dinner with my ex husband. I’ve always had done that so it was perfectly normal to me. XXXXXX had just found out his hours were cut at work because they had lost a contract. We talked about plan B for work and he had an interview lined up and we talked about starting his own business as well.
For some people this would have been this thing called life but to an alcoholic who was not really working his program and I was the only person he had to rely on, it was a brewing storm behind the curtain and I was still completely clueless.
There was BIG Elephant in my living room and I had no idea and didn’t see it.
I’ve repeated these first few days over and over in my head. I’ve spent a lot of time beating myself up for not seeing it.
My sons all remember how awful it was that XXXXXX drank to the point he was passed out on the sofa on my sons birthday. He was so drunk I told him he couldn’t come with us for dinner. And he was so drunk that when we got back from dinner, I took the cake and presents up to my bedroom and my son opened his gifts and we cut the cake on my bed.
I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. I know so much more today than I knew 364 days ago.
My advise to myself tonight is to be gentle to myself in these memories. I really didn’t know.
It’s like a movie playing in my head. I just want to yell, kick him out and let him walk away and let him figure it out. Don’t chase after him. I know it hurts today but the pain of the next 6 months is so much worse.
Just breathe. Tears rolling down my face.
I’m a week away from being in a program for 90 days. And I started attending a 12 step group about 45 days before that but really committed to myself to let go and let God almost 90 days ago. I’ve come pretty far in my understanding of codependency. Its were I have been. It’s the only way I knew to try and help. I thought I was helping.
I’m owning my part, that’s all I can do.
I want to make new memories for the week and the next year so next year I can play a different movie in my head.
But tonight I’m sad and will likely cry myself to sleep.
My journey to serenity continues…
I painted the picture used in this post and used Font Candy to add the text.