My Truth

 YOUR FAULT VS YOUR PART

I went to my Celebrate Recovery meeting last night. Over the past almost 100 days the people who attend have become such an amazing source of support, love, understanding and wisdom. There is so much to be said about being around people that are where you are headed. 

I learn so much in every meeting. I learn so much before and after the meeting during time of fellowship. 

I had a conversation with 2 others about codependency and then we talked about sometimes when you are talking to someone not in recovery about what’s going on in our life they want to help fix it. And sometimes you just want to have someone listen and not help. Just listen. 

I said that’s the best part about coming to a meeting and sharing. During the sharing time, it’s an opportunity for someone to share about whatever is going on in their life. Good, struggle, a praise or a concern. No one can interrupt you. No one can ‘help’ you fix it. No one can say what you are feeling is stupid. And sometimes all someone needs is to say out loud what they are feeling. Sometimes giving a feeling a voice is all you need. Sometimes all you need it to think something out loud and work it out yourself. 

During the core meeting the teaching was about taking your inventory and the parts of doing an fearless inventory. One section is ‘my part’. So during the conversation after the meeting, we talked about the difference between Your Fault and Your Part. Fault is an acknowledgement of guilt. 

  

While Your Part is how your actions contributed to it. Being in an addict/codependent relationship, it’s a dance of action and reaction between the two people. 

I was happy to hear and understand this distinction because it gives me permission to stop feeling so guilty and shameful about last year. Yes I played a part, my reactions were clearly unhealthy and codependent, but it was not my fault. 

My journey to serenity continues….

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My Truth

Perfect Practice Makes Perfect…

I haven’t written in a few days. I’ve been super busy, was pushed outside my comfort zone and was overtired. The last few days may also have even been a test…to see how I’d react to disappointments and feeling uncomfortable in a fairly safe place. 

I had a work event. It was local and I was asked to attend and be at our table. The company I work for was a lead sponsor so the owner was pulled away several times to do this introduction or announce that or whatever. I’m good friends with an attendee who came in from out of town so I crashed in her room for the weekend. 

5 Things I Reminded Myself Of This Past Weekend That Took Me Outside My Comfort Zone.

#1. I am super shy until you know me and then I’m super comfortable. The conference started with breakfast. I had a list of people that I was supposed to connect with over the 3 days. I only knew 20 people of the 250 in the room. So I got to play a role. I got to be rep from vendor X, who knows her shit because I do. They didn’t know that I’m shy. That I was in an abusive relationship, that I struggle with codependency. When I felt myself sliding back into wanting to be in the background, I took a deep breath, I sat up straight or moved from where I was and talked to the next person. 

#2. This one is close to but different than #1. The first one was about how I felt. This one is how I presented myself. Tim Gunn once said ‘you can’t control how you are percieved but you can control how you are presented.’ I was dressed professionally but not overdressed for the crowd.  I’ve been told that I can ‘rock a headband’ even with short hair so I picked my favorite one. I felt good about how I was presenting myself. 

#3. I was asked to go back to the office for several hours during the day sessions on Friday to help with something there.   At first I was disappointed because I wanted to be at the event and there was a session or two I wanted to attend for personal development. Being willing to roll with it and being flexible, it showed the managers that I willing to do what I need to do to support the business. And I know they appreciated it. 

#4. The only session I got to sit in was the opening session. The speaker was really funny and encouraged interaction. He talked about the stories we tell ourselves. Stories to fill in the blanks rather than asking questions to find out the truth. I’ve known this for a long time when it comes to children. That children will full in the blanks to their own detriment. If only I’d finished my homework, mom and dad wouldn’t be mad at each other. So please please please ask questions. Be brave enough to be true to yourself and when your are making assumptions, ask questions and get answers to the blanks. 

#5. When someone makes you uncomfortable it’s totally the right thing to do for you to politely excuse yourself and circle back around later. I don’t think I need to expand too much on this one. Except to say that I feel really good that I protected myself and my feelings by walking away during a situation because it was not the right time or place or crowd. But I did circle back around and talked to the person about what happened and why I removed  myself from the situation. 

  

WOW, that’s some awesome stuff to practice over the last few days. I don’t know if 4 months ago I would have reacted the same way in conflict or outside my comfort zone. I would have shut down. 

Back in high school I was the basketball manager and the coach would say ‘it’s not practice makes perfect it’s perfect practice makes perfect’. So this weekend was my little attempt to practice. You can’t get to perfect practice until you start to practice at all. 

One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.  Push yourself in small safe places to practice new found or developing skills. Little steps right now feel amazing and more like giant steps. 

My journey to serenity continues….

My Truth

Will my heart ever be the same???

Will my heart ever be the same??? 

I have forever been changed from the unhealthy relationships I’ve been in.

I have forever been changed by the love and support God has shown to me.

But what has changed between the last unhealthy relationship and now…..I have changed. 

I have had enough and I am willing to try to live life differently. 90 days ago, I said out loud that I am powerless over being codependent. 

 

 90 days of truly believing that only God can restore me to sanity. 90 days of turning my life and will over to the care of God. 

91 days ago, there was some small part of me that was wanting to talk to and somehow figure out a way to repair my relationship with my ex boyfriend, who hurt me in so many ways. 91 days ago I was still hiding the truth from myself and everyone who loves me about that happened last year and the pain I was in. 

91 days ago, I had to make it stop. My life and mind was so out of control trying to control everything but controlling nothing.  Wanting it to end but clinging to what I thought was. 

90 days ago I said YES to me. 90 days ago I said YES to digging deep on how I got to that place and how I never want to be there again. 

90 beautiful days of distance between where I was and where I’m heading. 90 days closer to finding the real authentic Mar and who I am meant to be.  

Will my heart ever be the same…..no, it won’t. That heart only understood disfunction, control, codependency and unhealthy boundaries. And I’m not there anymore. 

My journey to serenity continues….

I created the artwork used in this post. If you are wondering I painted the background black, hot glued crayons in the shape of a heart and used a hair dryer to melt the crayons. It’s really messy so do it outside with cardboard all around =] 

My Truth

Finding my new normal

Finding my new normal feels a little strange in some ways. It’s a little lonely too. 

I’m running the kids around like usual. Working as usual. 

I’m working my program….almost 90 days! Tomorrow is 90 days!!!

This is my new normal.

I wish I had more time with friends. Everyone is so busy with work and their life. It’s hard to find time. 

I wish I had time to paint. Not sure why I don’t…..well actually I do. I’m busy almost every night so weekends are full of house work and trying to recharge from the work week. 

I need something to look forward to. 

I am going to take my own advice and enjoy where I am, be present where I am. 

My journey to serenity continues…

My Truth

The Other Serenity Prayer

i needed this today…..maybe you do as well. 

The Other Serenity Prayer

By Eleanor Brownn 

God, grant me the serenity to stop
beating myself for not doing
things perfectly, the courage to 
forgive myself because I’m 
working on doing better and the 
wisdom to know that you already 
love me just the way I am.  

When you are tired it’s easy to be your own punching bag. I’ve been running on empty for so long I don’t think I know much else. 

Heading to bed. Early for me, it’s before 11. 

Night. Be kind. Especially to yourself. 

My journey to serenity continues…

My Truth

Why is asking for help so hard???

I wrote this post the other day but when I posted it, it posted my first draft and I had made a ton of edits. Don’t know what happened and so I deleted it and am going to try again. I actually like this one better than the first, don’t you love how things work out. 

*****************************

Like everyone, I have several roles in life. 

I am a daughter. Sadly my parents have passed away. They struggled with alcohol. 

I am a sister. I’m the youngest and the distance of my siblings, it made me more like an only child. I spent lots of time with my parents and their friends. I’m close to 2 of my 5 siblings. 

I am a single Mom. My amazing boys are the love of my life. We spend tons of time supporting each other from theatre to marching band to scouts. My fine young men make me so proud. 

I am an employee. I have a good job. I enjoy it. Some days I love it. There have been fewer love it days lately. I know I’ll love it again….or get a different job which ever comes first. 

Managing my life and the schedule of 3 busy boys with school, hobbies and jobs. Plus I go to Celebrate Recovery and Bible study is hard.

I rearly ask for help. I’ve run myself ragged dashing here and dropping off one person to run here to drop off the next do it again in reverse order. 

I’ve been single parenting it for 6 years and last fall was the first time I asked for help people moving. My son was in cast in a play and I couldn’t get him to rehearsal and me to Bible study on time. I really wanted to do both so I asked my brother to help and he was happy to do so. 

My plate is full and sometimes it’s overflowing. I feel like I fly without a safely net. Security is all I’ve ever wanted and nothing I’ve ever had.

Last week my car broke down. I called my go to car guy (everyone needs one of these) who is working on fixing it for me. And another friend offered to let me borrower a spare car until my car was fixed so that I can continue to people move. 

The ultimate act of asking for help is the day I walked into a Celebrate Recovery meeting. I was going to Al Anon for nearly 2 months but I really wasn’t ready and I was missing something. 

I walked into that meeting knowing no one. Not knowing anyone who had ever gone to CR.  Held at a Church I’ve never been to.  

But what I quickly found was that I felt at home. Welcomed. Loved. 

In my second meeting, I took a 24 hour token. I was ready. Ready to ask for help. Help from God. Help from others who have been there. I stood up and declared that I struggled with codependency and was the daughter of alcholics and that I couldn’t do this on my own and that I was worth it. 

Why is asking for help so hard? 
Does it mean I failed?
Does it mean I’m not capable?
Does it mean I’m not able to manage? 
Does it mean I’m not enough? 

No it’s doesn’t mean any of those things. We are made to help each other. God wants us to help each other. God does not want us to struggle. 

There is power is asking for help not shame. There is strength is accepting help not weakness.  And there is the ultimate self care and self love knowing that asking for help also gives to the person helping you and fills a need in them as well. 

Helping someone else feels amazing. 

Don’t be afraid to ask for help! I’m getting better at it. 

My journey to serenity continues…

I painted the picture in this post and used Font Candy to add the text.

My Truth, What Does The Bible Say???

Like a rose trampled on the ground…

Tuesday nights have become my favorite night of the week. Why? Because that is my Celebrate Recovery (CR) meeting night. I’m going to make an effort and add Friday night as well. Friday night is a different location. I always feel so much better after a meeting. Grounded. Loved. At peace. 

Here is part of my favorite song of the night…

 Above All
Michael Smith

Crucified
Laid behind a stone
You lived to die
Rejected and alone
Like a rose
Trampled on the ground
You took the fall
And thought of me
Above all 
 

 

Jesus sacrificed everything for me (and for you.) He paid the price for me (and for you) 

As I shared in yesterday’s post, this week a year ago was the beginning of the end . I’ve spent far too much time in the last 2 days reliving and beating myself up for not seeing what was going to happen. 

A conversation last night revealed to me that maybe just maybe God was protecting me from seeing it sooner because this needed to happen. And maybe just maybe it’s what was happening for my ex as well as me. I know God was working in my life and his. And as addiction took over his life and my codependency took over mine, this was what was needed to happen. 

I’m not saying that God wanted me to be hurt in all the ways I was but having been in THAT place and now not being there but being here working a program. That THAT got me to want to give my codependency to God. To trust His plan for me. To understand that I have had a my life long history of unhealthy relationships. 

What does the bible say about dwelling on the past…

Philippians 3:13-14 
Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.


2 Corinthians 5:17-18 
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation. 

What is old has passed away and the new has come. Reminds me of a caterpillar and changing  becomes a butterfly. I want to become that butterfly. I can be that butterfly. I am that caterpillar and I am that butterfly.

 
I have this tattoo on my shoulder, sometimes I forget because I can’t see it. 
Fly high little butterfly, the view is better up there. 

My journey to serenity continues…

The pics used in this post are mine. That rose was given to me during a very dark day last year and I felt like a rose trampled on the ground. And the Fly high butterfly tattoo is on my right shoulder.