A month ago, I was given an assignment from my sponsor to come up with 100 words that represented who I am.
Yes, it took me a month to come up with the 100 words and I asked my friends for help and I used the thesaurus. But I chose words that really resonated with me and are to my core, who I am.
This excercise has been really good for me while I started to work on step 4. Some positive self talk to balance the other self talk of working out situations from my past. Balance is key!
So here is the funny thing, last year I did something similar with my ex boyfriend. I made a list of words written in pink that I put on a brick wall that I drew. This was good and bad words. There were some words that I didn’t want anyone to see so I used a sharpie and colored those bricks black. The title was Mar’s Wall Of Truth, Live in the Pink.
This was done at the start of one of my ex’s binges and he was doing something like it but in writing. Here is the not so funny part, I met up with him and showed him what I had done. He looked at it and pointed out the words I misspelled and questioned me about some of the other words I had chosen. I was crushed and hurt that this was how he chose to work on our relationship. His addiction was in full force and my codependency was in full swing and made excuses for his hurtful behavior.
For a lot of people someone pointing out a spelling mistake may not be a big deal. For me it is. I had learning disabilities as a kid and had tutors at home, summer school, pulled out of class for extra help, given extra time to take tests, the list goes on and on. But most of all I was teased and bullied for being slower. In a split second something I was doing with the man I loved and who said he loved me, made me feel stupid and unimportant and worthless.
So this time, I was very reflective and honest and genuine with myself and found words that together were me. (Haha I used those 3 words in my list)
I found an app that makes word clouds and I have created 5 word cloud pictures with my 100 words. I’ve ordered prints so that I can keep them on my desk at work and to put in my step 4 journal.
I noticed that a word is misspelled but I decided rather than going back and redoing the entire thing (the app doesn’t save the words that I’ve found) I’d leave it, because that’s all part of who I am!
Here are a few of my word clouds. (Note the program repeats the words several times)
My journey to serenity continues…