it’s been a busy week and I have not blogged.
Wanted to check in real quick and let you know I’m doing well.
I’ve been digresting what I’ve written about so far for my Step 4 and working out the next situation I’m writing about. I’ve shared it with my sponsor.
Amazing how I see the connections now that I didn’t see before. How one situation led me to the next.
One thing I’ll share with you is the impact one of my brothers had on me that I’ve carried with me my entire life. I don’t want to share the entire story but I will share that he told me for my entire life that I was found in a trash can and they felt sorry for me and took me home. For YEARS I was told this. While locigically I know this is not true, it changed something in me to where I have always felt alone, left out, different, not wanted and that people felt sorry for me. He used these words to control me. To put me down. To isolate me. Later in life, I have put myself in situations where I felt alone, isolated, different, not fitting in and where others put me down.
Guess what? It’s official, it’s out in the open. Those words no longer have control.
I know that’s it’s not true and it never was. I know that God loves me just how I am. I know my parents loved me and now that they have passed they know what he said and did to me. I spent my entire childhood protecting someone who was abusing me because I would be the one in trouble or that they would send me back to a family that didn’t want me to begin with. Even as an adult, he has been mean spirited, put me down and called me names. I had chosen not put myself in contact with him. Including not going to family events just to avoid him. However I know what to say to him now and while for right now I choose not to seek him out, I know our paths will cross at a family wedding or other event.
That’s no longer mine and really never was. It’s done. Its in the light. And I have a plan of what to say to him.
This week, I did get the tattoo I talked about last week and it’s a beautiful reminder to me and to who ever sees it. Looks a lot like what I drew and in that process, I did have the artist draw and redraw what I wanted because her first and second versions I didn’t like and would not have been happy with.
Celebrate Recovery Meeting tonight, I’m sure I will have more to share later, as I always learn something.
My journey to serenity continues…