We are only as sick as our secrets…

Meeting my sponsor before my CR (celebrate recovery) meeting tonight. 

I’m working Step 4. Hard work but well worth it. I’m actually working steps 4 and 5 at the same time. As I face (some for the first time) secrets I’ve held, I write about it and share with my sponsor. Gives me time to understand and deal with the feeling that come up. I’ve had a couple of Step 4 that I had no part in. But I’ve needed to work out those long lasting feelings that were a result from what happened to me. 

This is my journey and I am working it my way. With the help, guidance and support of my sponsor. I’m getting close to the 6 month mark since I committed to this journey. 

  

Such freedom found in sharing our secrets. Putting it in the light, makes it small and no longer holds power over me. 
Luke 12:2-3

Whatever is covered up will be uncovered and every secret will be made known. So then whatever you have said in the dark will be heard in broad daylight. 

When I commit to something, I’m all in. I knew back in February that I was finally ready to be all in. I was ready to stop the madness. There are still other parts of my life that have some madness but I’m just not there to be all in. I’ll know when I am, and so will you. 

My journey to serenity continues…

Powerless To Powerful…

Step 1 We admitted we were powerless over our additions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives have become unmanageable. 

Step 1 Is about admitting we are powerless. Powerless means:

P pride 
O only if’s
W worry
E escape 
R resentment 
L loneliness 
E emptiness 
S selfishness 
S separation 

Pride makes you think you are in control. What if’s create worry. Worry is a form of not trusting God. Staying in addiction is a way to escape the truth. 

All of the above creates resentment when things don’t happen in your timing or the way you wanted. Addiction creates loneliness because you won’t want others to know what’s going on. You are trying to fill your emptiness with addiction. Addiction makes you selfish because your addiction comes first. Addiction created separation from God and others. 

When you realize you are powerless, you understand that your life is unmanageable. 

This is what codependency makes you think…
Letting go of thinking I could control outcome was the most difficult thing for me. Xxxx’s success in staying sober was a direct reflection of me. That’s what I used to think. If I loved him enough, if I helped him enough, if I trusted him enough he would stay sober. But he didn’t. And each time he fell, I dove in the way to soften his fall. But what happened is I hurt myself and my relationships with other hiding what was really going on and helped him avoid consequences. 

Being codependent, it’s what I thought love was. It was from a supportive place. It’s what I thought I should do. 

It’s crazy talk now. Xxxx couldn’t stay sober because xxxx wasn’t ready to deal with his issues. He has battled this his entire life. I thought I could be the one who gave him a chance to start over. I could be the one to walk along side him to stay sober. My life could influence his. And at first it did but it didn’t last long. 

  
It brings me to my knees that I’m not there anymore. I am so grateful. I’m still working on forgiving myself for being there but I’m also so very grateful for being here, in a recovery program so that I can stop this crazy train from ever starting up again. 

There is power in letting go. Let go and let God. His perfect plan and in His perfect timing. 

My journey to serenity continues…

The powerful means section is from Celebrate Recovery materials the rest my my experience in being codependent. 

Step 1

Wanted to start to share parts the materials from the Celebrate Recovery program. Things that resonated with me. 

The best place to start is the beginning with the first step. 

 Step 1 

We admitted we were powerless over our addictons and compulsive behaviors, that our lives have become unmanageable. 

                    Step 1 is about being in denial.   

D disables our feelings
E energy lost
N negates growth
I isolates us from God
A alienates us from our relationships 
L lengthens our pain 

Being in denial last year kept me stuck in the most unhealthy relationship I’ve ever been in. I was in denial about what was going on and I lied to myself and everyone else. I talked about some things because I can’t hide it when I’m upset about something. But I didn’t share or I down played the worst of the worst. 

Being in denial absolutely disabled my feelings, I spent tons of energy in the wrong places, my personal growth stopped. I thought I was listening to God but was being pulled further and further away from Him. My other relationships were adversely harmed. And I stayed far too long.

BUT in recovery, I now know that depth of my denial and that I am powerless over codependency and my life was so unmanageable. 

My journey to serenity continues…

Friendships born out of recovery…

There is something special about friendships born out of recovery. 

I treasure the regulars at my Celebrate Recovery meeting. And I welcome newcomers and visitors.  

I learn something at every meeting about myself from someone else’s story. 

People on the room know many of my darkest corners of my heart and they love me anyway. They know of my struggles and bad decisions and they love me anyway. They hug me. They pray for me when I need it. They celebrate with me and for me.

There is a connection you make with those who are like minded and in recovery like no other. 

My sponsor has become my biggest cheerleader and supporter. I exchange text message of encouragement with several of the ladies in my small group. During fellowship before or after the meetings, the men are like my big brothes and they should stand in line to protect or help me if I asked. 

In my meeting this week we had a guest speaker who moved out of the country for a job last year and he shared about his recovery experience overseas. There were several people here I didn’t know but they were there to see the guest. I had to laugh when one of the leaders said ‘it’s a who’s who of an anonymous group meetings’ 

He shared about how much he missed this type of relationship with people in recovery. That he expected to be able to find a meeting any day of the week. But there is not. 

Feeling blessed this week for friendships and being able to go to a meeting everyday. 

I treasure the regular readers of my blog too. Your comments and encouragement means more to me than you know.

My journey to serenity continues…

Feel free to reach out to me via email thisgirlsjourney@gmail.com

Life lessons from unexpected places…

I have never been one to do what’s popular. Tv shows, sports, games, if it’s the ‘in thing’ I likely am not into it at all. I’ve pretty much always marched to my own drummer and sometimes my own drum line! 

There is this app/game named Flow. I don’t know how popular this game is but it’s a simple game of connecting colored dots. There are different sized puzzles. I play it when waiting in line or play it at work while I’m on the phone sometimes. I don’t work in a phone center but I spend a lot of time on the phone with clients and I answer a lot of same types of questions so sometimes I just need to keep my brain busy. 

You can look for meaning in just about everything. I wrote another blog post about life lessons from painting. So now I wanted to share life lessons I have been reminded of from playing the game Flow. 

  

#1 Getting from point A to point B is not typically a straight line. Wouldn’t life be boring if we did things that went easy and in a straight line? 

#2 There is more than one way to get a job done. I may do something differently than someone else, doesn’t make either way wrong. 

#3 Getting help from others who have already been there is totally a good thing. Asking for help is a great thing. No need to reinvent the wheel when you don’t have to. 

#4 You can always work more than one line at a time and sometimes it shows you the next path. Working multiple things helps put things into place.

#5 Sometimes if you are so off track, you can start over. You can. It’s ok to do that!!! 

So there you have it. Life is not a straight line, there more than one way to get ‘er done, ask for help, new paths are revealed and you can absolutely start over! 

Thanks Flow for the simple reminders. 

My journey to serenity continues…

The photo used in this post is a screen shot from a game I played using the app Flow. 

I’m always open to comments and feedback. Please like and comment or you can email me at ThisGirlsJourneyToSerenity@gmail.com

I changed my destiny…

Its been a few weeks since I’ve written. I’ve had a bunch of life destractions and I’ve had this blog post on my heart for weeks but just couldn’t get here. 

I’m committed to focus on what’s going right over what’s going wrong and get myself back on track in life and in my recovery. 

I heard this speaker a few years ago and follow her on Facebook. While I appreciate her words of wisdom, one of her things is ‘rewriting your story.’ It bugs me every time I read about it. 

Why does it bug me? 

It bugs me because you can’t rewrite your story. 

Would I love to go back in time and not be abused by one of my brothers? Heck yes. Would I love to go back in time and have parents what didn’t drink to cope with life. Heck yes. Would I love to go back in time and make different choices in high school when it came to drinking and other decisions? Heck yes! Would I love to go back in time and choose a different guy to marry? Heck yes! Would I love to go back in time to handle my marriage differently and not shut down like I did? Heck yes! Would I love to go back in time and have this wall I’ve built around me to keep people out? Hell Yes!  Would I love to go back in time and not get involved in  limited relationships because they are easy and safe? Hell Yes! Would I love to back in time and not date the guy I did least year which derailed my life? OH HELL YES! Would I love to back in time and tell the truth every time I told a lie? OH HELL YES! 

But here is the thing, I can’t go back and rewrite any of those things.

Many of those thing made me into the person I am today. Having not been there, I wouldn’t be here!

Having not been there, I wouldn’t be able to see the pattern of choices that didn’t make sense until now. Having not been there, I wouldn’t have my amazing sons who inspire me everyday. Having not been there, I wouldn’t understand how important it is for me and for others to share my story. 

If I kept on the road I was on…..I would not be in a good place. I’d likely be homeless. I wouldn’t have my kids. I’d be clinging to a guy who is in jail going no where fast. I would be drinking or worse. I would have given up on who I was meant to be. 

So what I did…..is I changed my destiny! I hit my bottom and I listened to myself and said I’ve had enough and I’m ready for a new way of life. It was not easy to try a different way, I fell back a few times and thought what I knew was easier. The lie was easier then the truth. 

But I said to myself, to God and to anyone who would listen that my life became unmanageable. 

I started with one moment at a time, making the next right choice. And those moments got longer and became one hour and then one day at a time. I unraveled my life from his and when my head cleared I was able to start my recovery. 

So now I’m in a recovery program, have a sponsor, working the steps and am on step 4. I struggle some days with memories of the past. I have to remember where that life was taking me and remind myself how far I have come and that I’m important to a lot of people. Most importantly, God has big plans for me. 

My journey to serenity continues…

Learning to dance in the rain…

It’s been a couple of weeks since I wrote a blog. I have missed writing and I’m so sorry for going ghost. 

It’s been a difficult couple of weeks but nothing to do with my recovery (thankfully). Between car trouble, house trouble, AC trouble, strained finances, strained relationship between my ex husband and our children and health stuff (nothing serious don’t worry) but what I have learned over the past few weeks is how to dance in the rain. 

  

Dancing in rain to me means that I may get knocked down but I never stay down. I’m am grateful and willing to pick up the pieces and keep moving. 

I am so blessed to have friends that before I can even finish the sentence, they were on their way to help me. I am so blessed to have these wonderful people in my life who love me and are willing to do what they are able to do to help me. From prayers to money to fixing something for me for cost to just fixing something for me. 

I have often heard that the devil shows up when  good things are happening. Not just good things are happening but great things are happening in my life and in my relationship with Jesus Christ. 

It is only by the grace of God that I am in recovery from a codependent abusive relationship. It is only by the grace of God that I am working on step 4 and understanding how I got in that place. And am understanding and healing all those parts of my heart.

I am forever changed by the relationship I was in last year and I am forever changed by the grace, mercy, wisdom and love that God has given to me once I was ready to turn everything over to Him and trust His plan for me.

Dancing in the rain, it’s a beautiful thing. 

My journey to serenity continues…

Much love and light 

Mar