Its been a few weeks since I’ve written. I’ve had a bunch of life destractions and I’ve had this blog post on my heart for weeks but just couldn’t get here.
I’m committed to focus on what’s going right over what’s going wrong and get myself back on track in life and in my recovery.
I heard this speaker a few years ago and follow her on Facebook. While I appreciate her words of wisdom, one of her things is ‘rewriting your story.’ It bugs me every time I read about it.
Why does it bug me?
It bugs me because you can’t rewrite your story.
Would I love to go back in time and not be abused by one of my brothers? Heck yes. Would I love to go back in time and have parents what didn’t drink to cope with life. Heck yes. Would I love to go back in time and make different choices in high school when it came to drinking and other decisions? Heck yes! Would I love to go back in time and choose a different guy to marry? Heck yes! Would I love to go back in time to handle my marriage differently and not shut down like I did? Heck yes! Would I love to go back in time and have this wall I’ve built around me to keep people out? Hell Yes! Would I love to go back in time and not get involved in limited relationships because they are easy and safe? Hell Yes! Would I love to back in time and not date the guy I did least year which derailed my life? OH HELL YES! Would I love to back in time and tell the truth every time I told a lie? OH HELL YES!
But here is the thing, I can’t go back and rewrite any of those things.
Many of those thing made me into the person I am today. Having not been there, I wouldn’t be here!
Having not been there, I wouldn’t be able to see the pattern of choices that didn’t make sense until now. Having not been there, I wouldn’t have my amazing sons who inspire me everyday. Having not been there, I wouldn’t understand how important it is for me and for others to share my story.
If I kept on the road I was on…..I would not be in a good place. I’d likely be homeless. I wouldn’t have my kids. I’d be clinging to a guy who is in jail going no where fast. I would be drinking or worse. I would have given up on who I was meant to be.
So what I did…..is I changed my destiny! I hit my bottom and I listened to myself and said I’ve had enough and I’m ready for a new way of life. It was not easy to try a different way, I fell back a few times and thought what I knew was easier. The lie was easier then the truth.
But I said to myself, to God and to anyone who would listen that my life became unmanageable.
I started with one moment at a time, making the next right choice. And those moments got longer and became one hour and then one day at a time. I unraveled my life from his and when my head cleared I was able to start my recovery.
So now I’m in a recovery program, have a sponsor, working the steps and am on step 4. I struggle some days with memories of the past. I have to remember where that life was taking me and remind myself how far I have come and that I’m important to a lot of people. Most importantly, God has big plans for me.
My journey to serenity continues…