Well when it comes to recovery and working the steps, theres not really a finish line. I still have work to do but I am not far from being done with Steps 4/5.
I can see the finish line. I’m doing Step 4 on my Mom. It’s the hardest one of all because she’s my mom and was my best friend. She learned to cope with or avoid coping with life by drinking. I’ve had some really good conversations with my aunt and 2 brothers to help fill in the gaps of information I just didn’t know about her because we didn’t talk about it. She had a hard up bringing. She watched an alcoholic cope with life in an aggressive way. She was not aggreessive. She just in denial and if we didn’t talk about things, there was nothing wrong.
I’m so close to being done, I can see the next step, I know what this step has done for me and my life. But at this stage of the process, I’m tired.
I was thinking tonight about another time in my life when I felt this way and figured God reminded me of this for a reason and I should share it.
I too have had times in my life that if I got so busy with ____, I didn’t have to deal with what was going on. I just never chose alcohol, I chose other things. Work, kids, food, other people’s needs.
So after I separated from my husband in 2009, a coworker was diagnosed with breast cancer. So without much over thinking it, I decided to sign up for the a breast cancer walk. 2 days, 35 miles. Raise some money. Focus on someone else so I didn’t have to focus on me and my marriage falling apart.
I was out of shape and had 6 months to train. I walked everyday at lunch. Lots of 3-5 mile walks. Many evenings and weekends I walked longer distances.
If I remember right, I trained just over 200 miles. On the same pair of shoes. I was a newly single parent, money way tight and one pair of $100 shoes was all I could afford. (All the prep stuff tells you to have 2 pairs and switch them out) 2 weeks before the big weekend, my heals were killing me but I picked up some inserts and I was good to go again.
I had also taken a personal development class around the same time and the speaker did a 5k or 10k I can’t remember now but shared about how her goal was not to get in the bus of shame and be driven to the end of the route.
Bus of shame, that’s a really bad thing. I don’t want to do that either. No bus of shame.
So it’s now walking weekend. Feeling pretty good about my training. I hadn’t yet walked more than 18 miles or so but I got this.
The first 8 miles were easy. Feeling good. Has lunch. Decent pace. The inserts in my shoes had slipped and they started rubbing my feet raw. By mile 13 I took the inserts out and threw them away.
At mile 17, with tears in my eyes I told my friends I had to go get on the bus. The bus of shame of all things. I was feeling pretty awful that I had failed. I met a couple of pretty awesome ladies on the bus and we are still Facebook friends today.
The bus was not shameful. I have no idea how many people were on it, but tons of conversations about why or who we were walking for. So much love and support on the bus. Songs and laughter. No shame.
I was feeling better, stronger, rested when we got to mile 23. I got off the bus. And walked the remaining 3 1/2 miles to the day 1 finish line.
It’s even in the Bible. And it’s become one of my favorite passages.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
I have just worked for months on a life time of feelings and situations. Making connections that I had never made before. Listening to my heart, letting that little girl inside me be heard for the 1st time. Forgiving myself and others. Understanding God was always there even when my faith was quiet and I was shameful for decisions I had made. He was waiting for me. Letting go of what I can’t control.
I needed time to process all that has happened in the past 7 months. All the progress I’ve made in be past 4 months.
I’m not stalled out, I just need to rest for a little bit. But then, I will finish what I started.
I love when God puts things on my heart and I listen.
My journey to serenity continues…