I’ve moving along in my step 4 and last night I was feeling hurt by what happened last year with my relationship with XXXX.
I starting writing and went from zero to 100 on feeling hurt by just writing his name down.
I know I will feel so much better when I’m done but I wanted to pause and just sit with feeling this way for a moment.
I am hurt in fact I was pretty pissed off about all that happened when I started writing last night.
As I continue to write tonight, I realized that God does not waste our pain and I have learned so much about myself in this process.
I know I was in that place for a reason. Decisions I made. Consequences for the decisions that I made. God was not surprised at my decisions.
God nudged me along the way. I hid and lied to others the truth of what was going on. I hid and lied and justified to myself, what was really going on. But God was waiting for me, when I was ready.
I kept thinking, maybe THIS was the time that it would work. But it wasn’t. No sooner did those thoughts enter my mind, they were crushed by another binge.
My x was sick in his addiction and not capable of more at that time. He taught me that was able to be loved when he was sober. He taught me I was able to give love on a very deep level when he was sober. And I am forever grateful for that understanding now. I wanted nothing more than to get back to that place with XXXX but that was not part of Gods plan for me or him.
Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
If I was not in that terrible place, I would not have the understanding and healing that I have today.
God was not surprised that I ended up there and that now I am here.
I blog and share my story for His glory. The people that he sent to walk along side me. The people that I have been sent to, to walk along side them…..its a beautiful thing that we are connected and in fellowship to lift each other up.
My journey to serenity continues…