Pain not wasted…

I’ve moving along in my step 4 and last night I was feeling hurt by what happened last year with my relationship with XXXX. 

I starting writing and went from zero to 100 on feeling hurt by just writing his name down. 

I know I will feel so much better when I’m done but I wanted to pause and just sit with feeling this way for a moment. 

I am hurt in fact I was pretty pissed off about all that happened when I started writing last night. 

As I continue to write tonight, I realized that God does not waste our pain and I have learned so much about myself in this process. 

  

I know I was in that place for a reason. Decisions I made. Consequences for the decisions that I made. God was not surprised at my decisions. 

God nudged me along the way. I hid and lied to others the truth of what was going on. I hid and lied and justified to myself, what was really going on. But God was waiting for me, when I was ready. 

I kept thinking, maybe THIS was the time that it would work. But it wasn’t. No sooner did those thoughts enter my mind, they were crushed by another binge. 

My x was sick in his addiction and not capable of more at that time. He taught me that was able to be loved when he was sober. He taught me I was able to give love on a very deep level when he was sober. And I am forever grateful for that understanding now. I wanted nothing more than to get back to that place with XXXX  but that was not part of Gods plan for me or him. 

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

If I was not in that terrible place, I would not have the understanding and healing that I have today. 

God was not surprised that I ended up there and that now I am here. 

I blog and share my story for His glory. The people that he sent to walk along side me. The people that I have been sent to, to walk along side them…..its a beautiful thing that we are connected and in fellowship to lift  each other up. 

My journey to serenity continues…

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4 thoughts on “Pain not wasted…”

  1. This morning I was reading about step 3 in “12 Steps and Traditions” and it said God is on the other side of the door waiting to help us out. All we have to do is unlock the door for him and push it open. It feels daunting because we’re unsure how to unlock it and whether we can open this big scary door of unknown.

    Until we do and we realize the key to the lock is simply our willingness. That’s it. And it takes just a bit to crack the door open. And if we keep being willing, the more open the door is.

    Until our ego kicks back in and we forget how the door was opened and we want our willingness back because we don’t want to “lose who we are.”

    But then we remember we liked it better with the door open and that sharing our willingness brought us more freedom and peace than anything else we had tried before.

    I loved that analogy. I see myself seesaw back and forth too. But when I’m in the moment and have fully given my will to God, that is when I know peace. True peace. And I am happy.

    I hope you continue to find your peace and that you have moments of happiness … that get longer and longer 😊

    Liked by 2 people

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