I wanted to revisit this letter to XXXX.
The first letter I wrote him in a blog post gets hits almost every day. And is in my top 2 of viewed posts. https://thisgirlsjourneytoserenity.wordpress.com/2016/04/15/letter-to-my-alcoholic-ex-boyfriend/
I have read it many many times and I am surprised by my understanding even back then about what was my part and what was his. I guess I really was ready to live life differently now and admit my life was unmanageable.
Because it gets so many hits I often wonder who is reading it? Is it someone like me struggling on the merry go round? Is it someone like XXXX, looking for understanding of the dance we once were pros in? I guess I’ll never know who it is or they are but I hope my words are helping them to understand themselves or help them understand where they have been or are and know they are not alone. Not alone in the insanity. Not alone in feeling broken. Not alone in the feelings of this is just how it’s going to be. Not alone in wanting it to stop and not alone in recovery!
I have done my step 4 on XXXX and I shared it with my sponsor. I feel differently about that time last year. I understand so much more about where I was. And where he was in his addiction.
If you have read my blog for a little while now, you know I have a protective order against him.
XXXX is now out of jail. And how I feel today about if different than how I felt even 2 weeks ago when he was moved from one to another that was just a few miles away. I know it’s because of Step 4.
Isn’t that amazing. Gods perfect timing for me to be so much stronger now.
September 13, 2016
Thank you for time you loved me like no other. The time in the beginning where we enjoyed the simple daily things that life had to offer. For the time that you allowed me to love you and for reminding me that I am lovable. Time was simple and it was pretty easy to take care of and love each other.
Then your addiction was in control of you, you were not. Your addiction controlled your mind long before it controlled your actions. I tried to make your falling a softer landing because I thought that is what I was supposed to do.
I wanted to get back to where we were before alcohol took over, that I didn’t see how I was harming both of us in the process of trying to fix everything. I’m sorry that I didn’t know a different way.
Things that happened were awful. Awful for both of us but just awful in different ways. Many things you don’t remember. Many things are clouded by an alcohol fog.
We both have lived out consiquences for our actions and reactions. And it’s time to turn the page with grace, love and forgiveness.
I now understand how I got in that place. I’ve connected the dots and it all makes sense now.
I wanted to wish you all the best. That we both always remember that God is in control and that we accept the things that we can not change. That we have the courage to change the things that we can and we have the wisdom to know the difference. That we always life one day at a time. Enjoying one moment at a time. That we remember that hardships are pathways to peace. That we take as Jesus did, this sinful world for as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that He makes all thing right, if we surrender to His will. That we may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy forever with you in the next.
Grow in grace and wisdom
This girls journey to serenity