Dear Younger Me…AKA little Mar….
Oh Little Mar, I am so sorry for the things that happened to you. The things you were told were unkind and just not true. These things changed how you thought about yourself and how you thought everyone else thought about you. The things that happened were unspeakable and wrong in so many ways. But all not your fault.
Hurt people hurt people and you were an easy target because you were younger and looked up to him.
We may never know why these things happened but they did. And not giving him a pass but he was also a kid, what happened to him that he thought this was ok?
I see you like watching a movie, this little girl that just wants to fade into the background and be unnoticed. This little girl that is struggling to focus in school because of what is going on at home. Feeling shame and that she has done something wrong. And is to afraid to tell.
It’s ok that that you didn’t tell. Really it is. No one is mad at you for not telling.
Then as you hit your teens, it’s how you showed boys that you liked them. Got myself into situations that I couldn’t get out of. Young men took advantage of that for their own self. And again never told. it’s ok that you didn’t tell. Keeping secrets was just part of life.
But it’s not always going to be like that. Because of recovery, we are healing those broken little parts. I got you and we are going to be better than anyone ever imagined. God has a plan for our life. Our pain is not wasted. We are going to stand up and tell our story. And we are going to help someone else in the process.
The thing you love to do as a kid, you still love to do today. Drawing and being creative. Take classes and learn something new. It fills you up and takes stress away and replaces it with pride of creating something. Accomplished. Excited. Happy. And it came naturally. School was so hard. And this was something that I could be shown and then I could do it.
No more secrets. Secrets keep you sick. We are just going to keep doing….Mar…..because she is pretty awesome in spite or maybe even because of it all.
My journey to serenity continues…