Dear Codependency –
I didn’t know much about you until late in 2015. But you had been a part of me for a long time.
It’s how I learned to deal with life. And 2015 was a perfect storm.
It was such a surprise to me but I woke up daze, confused and heartbroken and then I discovered the truth about you.
When you (codependency) ruled my day, I….
- Had an unreasonable sense of responsibility for his actions.
- Needed to be needed and jumped in that role naturally. He needed me and I needed to feel needed.
- Didn’t ask questions because I don’t want to know the answer. The fantasy of what I wanted it to be was more important to what it actually was.
- Tended to do more that my share. Over achieving doing more or making up for his lack of ability to do it himself.
- Would rather have felt awful then be alone.
- Avoided making decisions and allowing someone who was deep in addiction to make decisions for me.
- Lied to cover up when he was drunk and failed to keep his promises.
- Would rather feel nothing and take care of him other feeling how out of control it was.
- Fear of being judged by others for decisions I knew were not in my best interest.
- Was so trapped in denial that I didn’t see any of the above.
The first few months of learning about the dance that codependents and addicts do, I was full of embarrassment and shame. How could I do this to myself and my family.
Then the more learned and started to dig deep in how did this happen? How did I ever get to into this situation? How did this become ok?
And the pieces of my life started to come together. I understood how and why. When I got this tattoo on my shoulder several years ago it was because I felt broken and pulled apart. Now it’s about putting the pieces of me back together.
So codependency, thank you for time but try not to waste anymore of mine. You kept me safe in some ways and harmed me in other.
I’ve figured you out and am leaving you behind and moving forward with my head held high. I’m learning new ways to cope with life and figuring out what a healthy version of me looks like.
Driving away and seeing you in the rear view mirror feels amazing.
All the best.
This Girls Journey to Serenity ….