My Truth

Remodeling my heart…

A little back story…

In Mid 2015, I was in a relationship with a dry alcoholic. With court pending and jail time likely and his work hours being cut, my dry alcoholic became a raging binging alcoholic. I kicked him out of my house to keep my kids safe but then I chased after him and tried to get back to what I thought we had. 

So the day I kicked him out, he found a house to stay in just a few blocks away. I’m going to refer to that house as 142 Any St. 

142 Any St looked like any other house on the street for the most part. A little worn down. A little neglected if you looked. 

Because I desperately wanted to save what I thought we had, I spent time there. Trying to save my ex from himself. 

The energy inside the house was chaos. The first time I walked up the side walk i actually felt afraid of what was going on inside. The people that lived there were all addicts. 

Quickly, I understood how the house worked and I had a role to play in the house too. Functioning Disfunction of sorts but mostly Disfunction. 

The police were there pretty often. On one occasion, I asked if I could leave and the officer interviewed my outside next to my car to find out what happened that night as I was the only sober one there. He asked me why I was there. And I told him that for some stupid reason. I love the guy passed out upstairs. 

A couple of toxic people moved out….well the truth is, they went to  jail. But then they were gone, the energy changed. And the 3 left in the house worked together to clean up the inside and a little on the outside. But they were hostages in their addictions. 

One of the last times I was in the house was the day after one of people living there fell down the stairs and died.  I was there the night before because she had called me and asked for my help. I went over and helped her. And a few hours later she was gone. 

The two people left were my ex and the husband of the women who passed away. The house was bank owned and was sold so within a month or so everyone was out of the house. My ex was in jail, I had a protective order against him and I’m not sure what happened to the husband of the women who passed. 

So now let’s fast forward to today. 

I don’t like to drive that way and pass this house because of everything that happened there. But the other day, I drove that way for some reason. I knew the house had been remodeled. Inside and out. It was bright and looked happy…..if a house could look happy. There was new yard art and it looked like little ones may live there too. The energy in that house has shifted but draining chaos to happy young family chaos. 

So this got me thinking the last few days. Back in 2015, just like 142 Any St,  I too looked like everyone else for the most part, but was worn down and neglected and my energy my chaos. 

And now, being part of Celebrate Recovery and really working the 12 steps. Being willing and vulnerable and pushing past the hard stuff, I have remodeled my heart. 

Like that house I am different inside and out. And I’m sure hoping that I look happy and feel my positive chaos become I feel that way. 

Stay on this ride with me, the best is yet to be. 

My journey to serenity continues…

PS the picture in this post is not the house I just wanted to have an illustration to go along with this post =] 


3 thoughts on “Remodeling my heart…”

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