Trust God 

My sister in law passed away on June 1st, at her celebration of life the Celebrant shared this poem with us. 

Jenny’s poem. 

Trust God’s wisdom to guide
Trust his goodness to provide
Trust his saving love and power
Trust him every day and hour
Trust him as the only light
Trust him in the darkest night
Trust in sickness
Trust in health
Trust in poverty and in wealth
Trust him living – dying too
Trust him all the journey through


Struggling with codependency, letting go and trusting God is hard. And shows up in places that I sometimes don’t expect. 

With the loss of a dear friend and father figure. I need to let go and trust God. 

What does the Bible say about Trusting God… Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5)

Finding recovery in unexpected places. 

My journey to serenity continues…..

Life is short…..missing my friend

Yesterday I texted my friend Mike….’hope all is well in your corner of the world.’ I’ve sent this message many times to him as to others. 

To my shock, Mikes wife texted me back that Mike had passed away from a massive heart attack 13 days ago. She was so sorry for having to tell me by text. 

I am just beside myself with grief. 

I read through all of the text massages between Mike and I and wanted to share…..

Mike was an engineer and worked for NASA for a long time. He owned every tool you could imagine and many he owned 2 or 3. 

We became friends when the high school did Fiddler on the Roof and we built the cart for the show together. Well he designed and built it and I handed him tools. but it was easier with 2. I asked him questions about why he did things in that order and he liked my curiosity about how things worked. 

Mike had no idea what he got himself into when he offered to repay me for helping with the cart, he would work on my car for the cost of parts. Over the years I can’t even count how many times he worked on my car. Always wanting to save me money, he would take things apart and replace only what was needed to be replaced. Sometimes that worked and sometimes not so much and he would end up replacing the entire part. 

Most of the time I was there when he worked in my car. And he always explained stuff to me and I happily listened and asked questions and handed him tools. 

When he was done he’d say ‘I have one question for you. Who da man?’ And I’d say ‘YOU ARE’. 

Mike came to all the plays the boys were in both at school and with community theatre. 

We talked about family and I know how much he loved his kids. Keith who died at 13 from a brain tumor. And he would beam when he talked about his daughter. 

Mike wanted to stay connected to his son and was very active with the high school drama even though Keith never made it to high school. His daughter was active in theater, she was a senior when my son was a freshman. (Keith would have been a sophomore) the year that Keith would have graduated, Mike went to help set up the chairs. They had a chair for Keith but Mike couldn’t stay. It was just too hard. I think he just wanted to make sure no one forgot about Keith. 

I laughed at some of the text messages we exchanged. I’d say ‘ok awesome’ and he wrote back ‘what no sauce’ ‘Ok ok awesomesauce.’ I’d say back. Or in one of our last text conversations he said I was doing pretty well on my own and while money won’t buy happiness, happiness won’t buy groceries and to hang in there. 
Earlier this year I told him that my man picker was broken and I wasn’t going to date anyone. He said….I have a theory…..that I should park in front of a hardware store, barber shop, auto part store and the like (just not a bar) and put my hood up. And the man who comes to help me is observant, caring and capable…..or he could just want to wear your skin as a suit. There’s always that element of surprise. Thanks Mike for the advise. 

I’ll miss you Mike. You were a blessing to me for a long time. Thank you so much for you did for me. I am so very grateful for the time we had together. You will never be forgotten. 

I feel like someone stole a security blanket. I knew he was always a text away. My heart hurts that he is not anymore. 

Until we meet again…..

My journey to serenity continues…

Standing in Solidarity

As you may recall, I attend Celebrate Recovery which is a blended issue group. Anyone with any hurt habit or hang-up that separates you from God and want to change is welcomed with support, grace and love. 

Those who struggle with food, alcohol, drugs, codependency, anxiety, pornography and the like are all represented in the room. From every walk of life. And in every stage of recovery. We support one another in what we struggle with with much love, encouragement and grace. 

About 10 days ago, one of my fellow CR attendees lost her battle with her addiction. She struggled and was a fighter. She loved the Lord and trusted Him and His plan for her life. She touched many of our lives and I am grateful for the times her and I chatted before a meeting. 

Last night we honored her in only the we could. We had our meeting. The first 30 minutes we have a band play song and last night was no different. Songs filled with hope and trusting God plan for each of us. We laughed and cried and shared stories of our relationships with her and how she touched our lives. 

We stood in solidarity with her and with each other. 

According to Webster’s Dictionary, solidarity is defined as…

sol·i·dar·i·ty noun

unity or agreement of feeling or action, especially among individuals with a common interest; mutual support within a group

synonyms: unanimity, unity, like-mindedness, agreement, accord, harmony, consensus, concurrence, cooperation, cohesion, fraternity, mutual support; 

“our solidarity is what gives us the credibility and power to make changes”


My recovery family means so much to me. I would not be in this place in my life without their support, grace and love. They have taught me what friendship looks like, in the room and outside the room too. 

To my recovery sister – I know like I know like I know that you are free from your pain and struggle. You are with the angels, rejoicing in our victories and saving me seat in the most amazing meeting that I cannot even imagine filled with support, grace and love. 

My journey to serenity continues….

Thank you google images for the pic used in this post. 

That space between…

I don’t know what to call it, I’m sure it has a name. But that space between when something happens and your reaction to it. 

In a split second, the committee in my head hold an emergency meeting, deciding who is heading up the reaction. Is Anger in charge? How about Fear, is she in charge of this situation? Fear wants me to be safe so will isolate. How about Happy or Joy? 


During that space between between there is a lot going on. 

If you had asked me 18 months ago how would you react to ———. And if you asked me today how would you react to the same ———-. I’d like to think that my reaction would be different.

In fact, I more than I’d like to think and here is why…..

Before recovery, I was reactive. Often with tears because every was overwhelming. Or I would have tried to figure out how to fix it without upsetting anyone. Very often putting my needs last. And sometimes just walking away and isolating. 

Now, almost 18 months of WORKING a program, my reactions to similar situations are different. I’m much more neutral. Skills I’ve learned like boundaries or expressing my actual feeling in a healthy way. 

I can now say no, and it’s a complete sentence. I don’t have to justify or explain it. It’s just no…..what the hell, that’s a real thing! Who knew! LOL

Those emergency committee meetings in my head, they still happen and sometimes Angry and Fear want to be in control but now it’s different. I now have a team of recovery friends I can reach out to and ask for help. Get a reality check. Or just get support. 

That space between, I like that space. There’s a lot of good stuff that happens in that space between. 

My journey to serenity continues…

A soft place to fall

I’ve been a fan of Dr Phil for a long time….like since he was on Oprah back in the day. 

Along with ‘so how’s that workin’ for ya’, another of his catch phrases is ‘we all need a soft place to fall.’ I always loved that one, the idea of being a soft place to fall for someone else. 

I realized that I misunderstood what being a soft place to fall really looked like for a really long time. 


I used to see it as making someone’s landing softer by fixing their problem for them. For example calling in sick for somesone because he was still drunk and couldn’t make the call themselves. Or doing something for someone else before they have even asked. Or I even paid a utility bill for someone who’s water was cut off and I didn’t tell them I did it. 

But what this did was it prevented the other person from having to deal with the consequences of their actions or lack there of or even letting them figure out when they should ask for help. 

I would often quietly take care of it. Not for the recognition. Not because I wanted to be thanked for doing it. And not even for them, it was really for me. For me to feel like better about being a good person. How selfish and ridiculous is that.  This actually makes me feel awful about all the times I interjected myself under the illusion of being helpful. 

Gosh this isn’t at all where I thought this post was going. I guess it’s a good thing I’m heading to my step study meeting. 

It’s so hard to see when you are being codependent when you are in the middle of doing it. 

My intentions were always from a loving place and I never wanted to harm anyone from growing from an experience. But I know I have. 

We all need a soft place to fall. I see this so different now. It’s not my place to just go fix stuff. Sometimes sitting on my hands is what I need to do, and let things play out. Boundaries help keeps me working my program. I can still be a soft place to fall with boundaries and waiting. 

I need a soft place to fall. I don’t have to do everything myself and am learning when I need to ask for help. 

I’ve got to jump off here and get to my meeting. So until next time…….

My journey to serenity continues…

On This Day….

I have a love/hate relationship with the On This Day section of Facebook. 

It’s actually one of the last things I do just about everyday. I typically go to sleep after midnight so I check to see what happened on that day in my Facebook account. 

It makes me happy so see pictures of the past of the kids doing activities they love. Or remembering the exact day pets were adopted. Or words of wisdom I have shared over the years. 

But there is a darker side of my On This Day list. It makes me sad or bring up situations and feels like they just happened. 

So I am always pretty real on Facebook. It’s not just my high-light reel, I keep it real. The good, the bad and the ugly. 

If you haven’t been reading my blog for long you may not know for sure what got me to the beautiful place of recovery. And I’m sharing more in this post than I have before about this addict/codependent relationship I was in. 

***I give details that I haven’t before so if you may be triggered, please stop reading and go read one of my other posts or skip down to the last 2 paragraphs.***

2015 was a very difficult year. The year started out with reconnecting with a high school friend who was starting his life over and needed someone to take a chance on him. He was a dry alcoholic and very newly sober which I didn’t realize it at the time. 

He told me all the things I so desperately needed to hear and molded his life around mine. I looked past the warning signs because how I felt and it made everything else fade into the background. 

July 2015 was particularly difficult. In May. I kicked him out he began binge drinking and squating in a house a few blocks away. In June, I took him to court drunk because he knew he was not leaving that day. He wrote me letters everyday and called me all the time. He talked about that we were meant to be together and he loved me like no other. I went to see him in jail every weekend and cried in the waiting room wondering how did this become my life. He told me about a book he read, something about men carrying their gold and silver sword for their family. And that he could not do that for me from jail. That if I bonded him out of jail, he would not only pay me back but it was also investing in our future. 

A month to the day, I knew it was wrong thing to do but I did it anyway.  I got a loan and bonded him out of jail. With all the hope and promise that life had to offer. This fantasy life that could be. 

I got a hotel room because the next day I had to go get kids from 2 diffferent camps and the plan was to tell the kids the next day that he was moving back in with us after 3 months of not. 

I went and got the kids from camp and came back to the room to find him drunk trying to order a pizza on my tablet. What a fucking hot mess he was. I should have walked away. But I was crazy Codependent and still couldn’t see what was going on. I burst into tears and yelled where is your gold and silver sword. I’m risking everything and you are fucking drunk, really!? He wanted to drink one last time and stop on his terms. 

I told the kids and they packed up and left. I was heartbroken. 

I let my ex stay with me a few day while the kids were with their dad and I was devastated. 

A few days later…..he continued to drink by the way….shocker……I woke up to find him on top of me, he had just hit me in the face. It took everything I had to continue to block him and get him off of me. I yelled and screamed his name to stop. He said he was dreaming and he fell back asleep and I sat curled up on the floor in fear. I asked to pack his shit and leave, that I couldn’t do this. I had to figure out how to get my kids back. 

Now mid July, he left, the kids were still gone and not talking to me. 

I was so broken. I cried for hours. Until I had no tears left in me. I was sobbing. I wanted my pain to end and considered ending my life to make the pain stop. I started to write a note and I had a knife by my side. I even thought about going to the hospital but figured I’d loose the kids forever if I did that. The thing that stopped me was actually a conversation with my oldest son 2 years earlier when a classmate committed suicide. It’s only transfers the pain to someone else and you don’t fix a temporary problem with a permanent solution echoed in my head. I dried my tears and did the only thing I knew to do, chase after my ex. 

Ugh. These memories are so hard to feel again. But this year is better than last year and this year I have even more skills and tools than last year. 

I took out my tool kit from my  3 Circles Method post and keeping that close during the next few weeks while these memories pop up. I have to have a plan to not get into a dark place. 

My advise to myself or anyone else that has these types of memories is to be gentle on myself/yourself. I was doing the best I could at the time with what I knew and felt. And now, I would make a different choice but there is no sense in beating up who I was because I’m not that girl anymore, i’m this girl now!!! 

My journey to serenity continues…

That’s not mine….return to sender

I have not written about it in a while but my kids are not talking to their dad. 

It’s a sad situation all around but one I cannot control. It’s sad because everyone is hurting and when people hurt, I feel it deeply too. My heart aches that my boys are hurting and my heart aches that my ex-husband is hurting too. 

My boys see a counselor and continue to work out their feelings and how they want to handle this with their dad. Sorting out their feelings, understanding boundaries and working on life as teenagers and all that brings with it. 

My ex and I have had a decent co-parenting relationship since we divorced up until the boys each decided that they didn’t want to talk or see him anymore. 

On their own, they wrote him a letter. 

I understanding their hurts because I had the same ones. Over time I have gotten to the place that he is who he is. And I stopped having expectations that he is who I needed him to be and just accepted him for the person he is. 

Since being in my program, I have forgiven him for many things and now understand my part too.  

I can not fix the relationship between them. It’s not mine to fix. My ex knows how to push my old Codependent buttons but it doesn’t work anymore. And that frustrates him. 

He called me the other day and there was blaming and finger pointing in my direction. He is not yet in that place to see and own his part.  So he projected all of his anger about the situation at me. 

ITS NOT MINE, RETURN TO SENDER

Part of the serenity prayer comes to mind……and the wisdom to know the difference. I really do not want them to hurt, but this is not in my control. And is not for me to change. 

I encourage the boys to see the humanness of making mistakes. I encourage the boys to give a voice to how they feel and to create boundaries. And we talk about understanding and forgiveness. 

I pray for God will intervene in His timing to make this situation better for everyone. Only in the way He can. I could say more specific requests but it’s not what I want, it’s what each of them needs. Only God knows that and can begin to heal these relationships. So I am lifting this situation up to Him. 

My journey to serenity continues…