I have a love/hate relationship with the On This Day section of Facebook.
It’s actually one of the last things I do just about everyday. I typically go to sleep after midnight so I check to see what happened on that day in my Facebook account.
It makes me happy so see pictures of the past of the kids doing activities they love. Or remembering the exact day pets were adopted. Or words of wisdom I have shared over the years.
But there is a darker side of my On This Day list. It makes me sad or bring up situations and feels like they just happened.
So I am always pretty real on Facebook. It’s not just my high-light reel, I keep it real. The good, the bad and the ugly.
If you haven’t been reading my blog for long you may not know for sure what got me to the beautiful place of recovery. And I’m sharing more in this post than I have before about this addict/codependent relationship I was in.
***I give details that I haven’t before so if you may be triggered, please stop reading and go read one of my other posts or skip down to the last 2 paragraphs.***
2015 was a very difficult year. The year started out with reconnecting with a high school friend who was starting his life over and needed someone to take a chance on him. He was a dry alcoholic and very newly sober which I didn’t realize it at the time.
He told me all the things I so desperately needed to hear and molded his life around mine. I looked past the warning signs because how I felt and it made everything else fade into the background.
July 2015 was particularly difficult. In May. I kicked him out he began binge drinking and squating in a house a few blocks away. In June, I took him to court drunk because he knew he was not leaving that day. He wrote me letters everyday and called me all the time. He talked about that we were meant to be together and he loved me like no other. I went to see him in jail every weekend and cried in the waiting room wondering how did this become my life. He told me about a book he read, something about men carrying their gold and silver sword for their family. And that he could not do that for me from jail. That if I bonded him out of jail, he would not only pay me back but it was also investing in our future.
A month to the day, I knew it was wrong thing to do but I did it anyway. I got a loan and bonded him out of jail. With all the hope and promise that life had to offer. This fantasy life that could be.
I got a hotel room because the next day I had to go get kids from 2 diffferent camps and the plan was to tell the kids the next day that he was moving back in with us after 3 months of not.
I went and got the kids from camp and came back to the room to find him drunk trying to order a pizza on my tablet. What a fucking hot mess he was. I should have walked away. But I was crazy Codependent and still couldn’t see what was going on. I burst into tears and yelled where is your gold and silver sword. I’m risking everything and you are fucking drunk, really!? He wanted to drink one last time and stop on his terms.
I told the kids and they packed up and left. I was heartbroken.
I let my ex stay with me a few day while the kids were with their dad and I was devastated.
A few days later…..he continued to drink by the way….shocker……I woke up to find him on top of me, he had just hit me in the face. It took everything I had to continue to block him and get him off of me. I yelled and screamed his name to stop. He said he was dreaming and he fell back asleep and I sat curled up on the floor in fear. I asked to pack his shit and leave, that I couldn’t do this. I had to figure out how to get my kids back.
Now mid July, he left, the kids were still gone and not talking to me.
I was so broken. I cried for hours. Until I had no tears left in me. I was sobbing. I wanted my pain to end and considered ending my life to make the pain stop. I started to write a note and I had a knife by my side. I even thought about going to the hospital but figured I’d loose the kids forever if I did that. The thing that stopped me was actually a conversation with my oldest son 2 years earlier when a classmate committed suicide. It’s only transfers the pain to someone else and you don’t fix a temporary problem with a permanent solution echoed in my head. I dried my tears and did the only thing I knew to do, chase after my ex.
Ugh. These memories are so hard to feel again. But this year is better than last year and this year I have even more skills and tools than last year.
I took out my tool kit from my 3 Circles Method post and keeping that close during the next few weeks while these memories pop up. I have to have a plan to not get into a dark place.
My advise to myself or anyone else that has these types of memories is to be gentle on myself/yourself. I was doing the best I could at the time with what I knew and felt. And now, I would make a different choice but there is no sense in beating up who I was because I’m not that girl anymore, i’m this girl now!!!
My journey to serenity continues…