One thing I have learned first hand from 12 step recovery meeting rooms has to do with judgment.
While I was spinning out of control on the codependency/addict merry go round, others didn’t understand what was going on and why I was acting like a crazy person.
I’d ask for advise (while knowing what I should do) but frozen in being able to take action to change what was going on. And the merry go round went around and around and around again. In some ways it felt safer to do what you know.
I felt like a crazy person. I didn’t understand what was going on. How did this become my life?
Part of codependency is about what others may think of me if they knew what was going on. So I would take care of things and make it easier for others. I’d paint the picture of it not being THAT bad. Why? Because I didn’t want to be judged in a negative way or for those around me that I cared about to be judged. The shame I felt that if everyone knew, they would be disappointed in me somehow. Because I was disappointed in myself.
But then I had to DO something and DO something different because I did not want to spin around one more time. With a ton of work and willingness, my heart started to heal and things started to make sense and more connections were made and my heart healed a little bit more.
For me when I first started to go to meetings, I felt a lot of things but being judged was not one of them. As I heard others stories and where they were, I didn’t for a second judge them. I felt compassion and empathy and just wanted to love them along their journey.
What a beautiful gift to share with others in recovery who also at one point may have felt shame for their behavior. Being in a space of not being judged. Being in a safe place to share the darkest of their days. Learning to heal and grow and learning to trust yourself and others around you again. Beautiful thing for sure.
In the Book of Matthew 7: 2-5 it says this about being judgemental…...Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?’
Wowzers, pretty clear. Why do people do that? Because it’s easy. It’s easy to point out others flaws or sins and not look at yourself and owning your part.
Reminds me of recovery sayings like….
Stay in your own lane.
Keep your side the street clean.
Keep your spoon in your own bowl.
Or in Romans 3:23 you will find….’For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,’
Yeah hello, everyone has fallen short and who am I to think that my sin is less sinful than someone else’s. Or that this persons sin is so much worse on the sin scale. (Is that a thing?) Makes me laugh to think of times I thought that about someone or a situation. Because I didn’t understand that this is not how it works.
I would not trade my best day on the codependent/addict merry go round for my worst day off it!!!
I think this is actually called grace. Going to a year and a half of meetings, I have learned to give grace because grace has been given to me.
I have learned not to judge because they didn’t judge me.
My journey to serenity continues….