Pretty sure it was an Alanon meeting that I heard the C’s of recovery…
I didn’t cause it
I can’t change it
I can’t control it
but I don’t have to contribute to it
These are powerful statements. They are powerful to someone who struggles with codependency.
I know there were times that I felt I was responsible for someone else to turn to their enter the addiction of choice here because of something I may have said, expectations I may have had they they could never meet or something I did. But this doesn’t give the addict permission to be abusive or to shift the blame or even use. People say stuff that is hurtful, people have expectations and people do stuff I don’t like too.
I now know while I felt overly responsible to change or fix it, I really shouldn’t have. And it’s was never my position to do so. Struggling with codependency, I felt that it was my job. It was part of the dynamics of loving that person.
I have said many times in other posts that the worst part for me to realize is that I prevented the other person from growing from and being responsible for their actions because the act of fixing was from a loving place. For example: Cleaning up a glass they broke so they don’t get hurt…but what if I let them clean it up and they might cut themselves. Or calling to change an appointment for them because they were still passed out or drunk….but what if they had to figured out how to reschedule or even have to pay for a missed appointment.
These are consequences are part of life. I’ve cut myself cleaning up glass or missed an appointment. Why was it ok for me to have to deal with the consequences but not the addict.
Trying to control everything is EXHAUSTING. Controling the addict……walking on egg shells. Controling what others think of the addict or me…..painting a different picture of what is going on or lying about it. Trying to control the future. Trying to control the world around me and worrying about every little aspect.
And you don’t have to contribute to it….not any more you don’t. When the music starts, the merry go round starts to turn, when the addict chooses to use, you have a choice. Do you start the dance too? Do you jump on or off the merry go round? You don’t have to. You can choose to take care of you. To surround yourself with people and things you love. No one said you had to dance or even get on the merry go round that you don’t even like.
Looking out the fence of my backyard, wondering what was on the other side. Thinking this is what I deserved and what my life was just going to be. I didn’t cause it, I couldn’t change it. I couldn’t control it. And I stopped contributing to it!!!
My journey continues…
I painted the picture used in this post and used Font Candy to add the text