My Truth

Play Book for Being Human

There have been seasons of my life that I have wished there was a play book. A book with choices and outcomes so that if I choose this, I would know that that would happen. Or if I chose that than I can skip forward 50 pages and the outcome would be this. 

Wouldn’t that be amazing. 

Well actually I don’t think it would. 

But while in every season as obstacles and opportunities come to pass, there are choices that hold unknown outcomes. Until the outcome happens. Praying I’ve made the right decision. Trying to stay out of the what if’s. Until we know. 

This is called trust. It’s called trusting God will and desire for my life. This is called faith. 

While there is not a play book, there is a book. Perhaps you have heard of it…..

Psalm 34:4 “I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears” 

Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” 

Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

The best thing about this book you ask? The author of this book loves the reader. 

My journey to serenity continues…

My Truth

ever felt like you are in a personal prison???

Ever felt like you are in a personal prison? I have. Ever heard that expression that you are a slave to your addiction? 

Did you know it’s even in the Bible? 2 Peter 2:19

They promise freedom, but they themselves are slaves of sin and corruption. For you are a slave to whatever controls you.

The addict is all consumed and control by the next fix. It’s all about the next hit and who that impacts and what is going on around them is completely irrelevant. 

And the codependent is all consumed with the addict and trying to control what is going on. We each were in our own personal prison. 

Being with a binge drinking alcoholic, I have witnessed this craziness of control that alcohol had over people in my life. That it makes no sense looking in that he would go buy the $3 small bottle of whatever and then have to go get more later. Why not buy a bigger bottle? Because he couldn’t. He thought that this time he would the last one and only need this much. It turned out, it was not enough and he was right back at the store getting more.  

And then my crazy behavior trying to make it easier for him. Looking in that it makes no sense that I would pay to turn the lights back on or buying bottled water when the water was cut off. 

This prison we were both in. 

Once we hit our true bottom, and we are ready. And here’s the thing that no one tells you or you are just unable to see until you are in your bottom and you know your life is out of control and you know you are a mess and can’t do this alone……

The prison you were in. 

The door you have been staring at for so long. 

Feeling trapped. 

Feeling like you have no choice. 

Feeling like this is how my life is going to be and as good as it gets.  

The door has been unlocked the entire time and you are free to leave! 

My journey to serenity continues

What Does The Bible Say???

the funeral of a man I never met

Tonight I went to a funeral of a friend of a friend. When one hurts we all hurt. I went to support my friend and her family. 

While I didn’t know the man who died, I have known and loved many like him. His story was uniquely his but threads of every addicts story woven throughout. 

Amazing Grace,  wow what a powerful beautiful song. 

Amazing Grace, How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now am found
T’was blind but now I see

T’was Grace that taught my heart to fear
And Grace, my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

Through many dangers, toils and snares
We have already come.
T’was grace that brought us safe thus far
And grace will lead us home,
And grace will lead us home

Amazing grace, Howe Sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now am found
T’was blind but now I see

Was blind, but now I see.

This man lived through many dangers, toils and snares. And lived his life as best as he could with what he had. And now he sits with the Angels free from pain (both physical and mental). His brokenness is healing in heaven. 

And just as it’s described in Psalm 23:1-6.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell[a] in the house of the Lord Forever. 

I have always loved this Psalm. It has always made me feel safe and protected and cared about. My favorite parts are: He restored my soul. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies and My cup runs over. 

This relates so amazingly well with recovery…..

He restored my soul……In heaven we are restored, healed no longer hurting and broken. Steps 1-12! 

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies……for me this means that each of us is so special to God and He has prepared a table before us. Meaning each of us has a place at the table individually in spite of what anyone else thinks about us. We each deserves and have a place at Gods Table. I see Steps 4 and 10 all over this one. 

My cup runs over……is all about abundance. Abundance of love, mercy and grace. Abundance that I can’t even imagine. Step 12, sharing with others. 

So much to learn and think about tonight from the funeral of a man I never met. I am grateful. 

My journey to serenity continues…..

My Truth

Staying out of the extremes…

Staying out of the extreme emotions or situations for me is now called boundaries. Extreme feelings can be dangerous territory. 

So I have a plan in place for when those extremes enter my world. 

Today I have struggled a bit. Lots on my mind. Lots on my plate. 

Looking at what’s on my mind and place and deciding what is in my control and what is not. Lifting up those things that are not in my control to God to manange. Looking at what’s left.  

I am familiar with these feelings of being overwhelmed or sad and when those feelings are extreme that is when it becomes a slippery slope towards depression. 

So I have things in place to help me put on the breaks. These boundaries keep me safe and keep me from getting into a a dark head place. After all, walking around my head unattended is never a good thing. 

So here are a few things that keep me out of the extremes:

  • Reach out to my sponsor 👭
  • Reach out to other friends in recovery 👭👭👭
  • Pause and meditate about what is going on
  • Use the essential oil diffuser (I’m loving the orange 🍊 and clove I have on tonight)
  • Do something for someone else
  • Do something for yourself 🙋
  • Go for a walk 🚶🏻‍♀️
  • Take pictures of flowers 🌺 or something else that makes you happy 
  • Have a cup of tea or coffee ☕️ 
  • Sit outside and just listen to nature 🌳
  • Make something yummy to eat🍝
  • Read the Bible
  • Listen to music 🎼
  • Paint 🎨 
  • Design my next tattoo 
  • Take a bath 🛀🏻 
  • Take a nap 😴 
  • Go for a drive 🚗
  • ——— fill in the blank and do something that makes you happy 😊 

These things help me get to the next good day! Hope some of these things help you get to the next good day too. 

My journey to serenity continues….

My Truth

You know you are codependent when….

You know you are codependent when….

  • You fix other people’s problems without being asked
  • Saying no, has 10 reasons attached to it and in the end, you say yes
  • You have 4 solutions for someone else’s problems before they are finished telling you what’s wrong
  • When you are more involved in someone else’s life than they are
  • You recognize unhealthy behavior but give them a pass because they need you
  • You put their needs above your own
  • You are not addicted to a substance but rather addicted to a person who is addicted to a substance
  • You feel more responsible for others then they do
  • You have a hard time making decisions and rely on others to make decisions for you
  • You feel guilty in doing any kind of self care
  • You feel guilty for others bad behavior
  • You say I’m sorry, when you don’t need to
  • When your life flashes in front of your eyes, you realize it’s everyone else’s

As someone who struggles with codependency, I have done everyone one of the above. And I did all those things from a loving place. It was how i thought I was supposed to love someone. But it got completely out of control.

In all of my prior relationships, I felt and acted the same way but maybe in more of a watered down version. My relationship with xxxxxxxxx was the perfect storm because his addiction got so out of control so quicky.

I am grateful for my understanding now of not only my struggle but also understanding addiction and addicts. And while I have a greater level of empathy for anyone who struggles I will never allow myself to get into another similar relationship.

My journey to serenity continues…

My Truth

I will love you, until you love yourself again.

Dear Wanting Soul…

This letter is for you. You who love an addict (no matter what they are addicted to) and your life is out of control and you are wondering how this became your life. 

You who are wanting things to change. You desperately are wanting things to change. You don’t know how. You don’t even know where to start because everything is a freaking mess. You hate living like this. You are tired. And you are wanting but you don’t even know what you want. You just know it’s not this. 

I see you. 
I know your pain. 
I was you. 

Before I started attending a recovery program, I felt like I was drowning. I couldn’t breathe. Trapped in a situation that I didn’t cause or even understand and I can’t fix it. 

I felt defeated, run over and used and sad that this is what my life had become. I was embarrassed and ashamed. How did this happen? 

Walking into a meeting when you feel so undeserving is so hard. But there is this wanting that pushes you to do it anyway.  That Wanting has been nudging you for a while now. Maybe you are like me and have gone to a few meetings but you have one foot in and one foot out of the program. Curious. But not fitting in, not buying in because you really are just not ready to be ready to change. 

Let that wanting win. Listen to that little voice inside you and wants to change. Keep listening. Keep going. Keep putting one foot in until you are ready to go in with both feet. 

Go to a meeting. Because you will find someone like me. Who was once just like you. 

And I don’t remember if my sponsor actually said this but it’s sounds like her and like something she would say ……I will love you, until you love yourself again.

I could breathe again. 
The healing began the minute I walked into my first Celebrate Recovery meeting. Because I was ready and desperately wanted a change. 

I thought I was there for someone else but I was there for me. God knew. He goes before me. He knew I would be there that night and He made sure the right people were there for me. He knew all I needed and what my soul wanted was for someone to love me until I could love myself again. 

So Wanting Soul, I know you are afraid. I was too. I know you want to change but you are afraid of that too, I was. But go anyway. Listen to that nudging. Take a chance on yourself and do it for you because you are worth it. 

I’ll see you there. XXOO

My journey to serenity continues…

I took the picture used in this post and used Font Candy to add the text