Category Archives: What Does The Bible Say???

running on empty…

I feel like I’ve been running on empty for a very long time and especially lately. for different reasons but empty all the same. 

Sparks of recharging but short lived. 

I have felt overwhelmed about all parts of my life for a long time. Trying to keep all the parts moving within reason. 

I am planning on making some time this weekend and get a plan together for a few things that need to be taken care of. 

  

Plan your work, work your plan.   

I have often thought about time and energy spent on different parts of life as tanks. My relationship with God tank, my relationships with my kids tank, my personal development tank, my friends tank, my enjoyment at work tank, my financial tank as examples. I draw tanks and label them. On a scale of 1 empty to 10 super happy where do I feel I am in these different places. 

How I choose to spend my time and energy is my decision. Sometimes some things need to take a backseat and less of my attention. 

Spending time and energy on my recovery from codependency and really healing from prior bad relationships takes time, energy and willingness. I’m so there but it’s exhausting. 

Hoping this 3 day weekend will allow me to recharge, reevaluate and recover a little bit more. 

John 16:13 
When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.

Proverbs 21:5 
The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance, but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty.

James 1:5 
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.

My journey to serenity continues…

Finding Hope in Healing…

I looked up the definition of HOPE. Hope is to trust in…..wait for……look for…..or desire for …..something or someone ……..beneficial in the future.

There was a time not long ago that I had hope in  my own ability to get a situation were I wanted it. The more I tried, the further from hope I got. 

If you are new to my blog, first welcome and thank you for reading and second what you should know is I struggle with codependency. I was in a relationship with an alcoholic. 

We struggled for months and months with our addictions and our lives were completely out of control. With his encouragement, I kept waiting for him to hit his bottom and at each thing that turned out not to be his bottom, I was pulled further into a life that was not my own. 

It ended in the worst of ways. He went to jail and I went to the courthouse and got a protective order. Heartbroken and confused about how this all happened. 

  
I started attending a 12 step program about 6 months ago. I really felt hopeless when I first started. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I was so broken inside. 

With the grace of God, I kept attending meetings, tried different nights, started talking to people and found out about the program I now attend and just adore. 

I know that God goes before me and put people in my life to help me with my understanding of codependency and recovery. 

God had restored my hope and my hope rests in him. 

What does the Bible say about hope?

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you. declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Hebrews 11:1
Faith is the assurance of things you have hoped for, the absolute conviction that there are realities you’ve never seen. 

Isaiah 41:10
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

My journey to serenity continues…

Like a rose trampled on the ground…

Tuesday nights have become my favorite night of the week. Why? Because that is my Celebrate Recovery (CR) meeting night. I’m going to make an effort and add Friday night as well. Friday night is a different location. I always feel so much better after a meeting. Grounded. Loved. At peace. 

Here is part of my favorite song of the night…

 Above All
Michael Smith

Crucified
Laid behind a stone
You lived to die
Rejected and alone
Like a rose
Trampled on the ground
You took the fall
And thought of me
Above all 
 

 

Jesus sacrificed everything for me (and for you.) He paid the price for me (and for you) 

As I shared in yesterday’s post, this week a year ago was the beginning of the end . I’ve spent far too much time in the last 2 days reliving and beating myself up for not seeing what was going to happen. 

A conversation last night revealed to me that maybe just maybe God was protecting me from seeing it sooner because this needed to happen. And maybe just maybe it’s what was happening for my ex as well as me. I know God was working in my life and his. And as addiction took over his life and my codependency took over mine, this was what was needed to happen. 

I’m not saying that God wanted me to be hurt in all the ways I was but having been in THAT place and now not being there but being here working a program. That THAT got me to want to give my codependency to God. To trust His plan for me. To understand that I have had a my life long history of unhealthy relationships. 

What does the bible say about dwelling on the past…

Philippians 3:13-14 
Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.


2 Corinthians 5:17-18 
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation. 

What is old has passed away and the new has come. Reminds me of a caterpillar and changing  becomes a butterfly. I want to become that butterfly. I can be that butterfly. I am that caterpillar and I am that butterfly.

 
I have this tattoo on my shoulder, sometimes I forget because I can’t see it. 
Fly high little butterfly, the view is better up there. 

My journey to serenity continues…

The pics used in this post are mine. That rose was given to me during a very dark day last year and I felt like a rose trampled on the ground. And the Fly high butterfly tattoo is on my right shoulder. 

A  VERY Thankful Heart…

It’s funny how God answers prayers differently than expected but answered all the same. 

Last night there was a beautiful sky at sunset. I couldn’t see the sun from where I was but I loved the colors and clouds in the sky. 

I didn’t have anyplace to go in a hurry so I pulled over and with much amazement looked at the different colors and cloud formations. 

I thanked God for the beautiful sky and was reminded how GREAT God is. Then thought and prayed about court today. I was very anxious about having to see my ex boyfriend. So I said, please Lord I need you. I can’t bear the thought of seeing him. It’s hurts my heart to have to go to court and see him. I got a sense that he wasn’t going to be transported. But kind of brushed it off as wishful thinking. 

My ex is currently in jail (unrelated to me) and would have needed to be transferred to attend court. I am on the state notification system so am called when his custody status changes. I hadn’t gotten a call yet. Weird I thought. He should have been transferred by now. 

This morning I checked the service to make sure I didn’t miss anything and he was still in jail 2 1/2 hours away. Wonder what that means. 

One of my friends called me on the way to court and said ‘Mar, God doesn’t give us what we can’t handle. You got this’

I had an attorney to come to court with me. 

So I go to the attorney’s office and she tells me that she has another case in the next courtroom at the same time and we would just have to deal with the timing of the 2 cases. 

The other case was called first and she told me to just tell the judge and she will hold the case. 

My case was called. I went in the empty courtroom and sat down and said, my attorney is in courtroom B. The judge said, you don’t need an attorney for this. It’s ridiculous. We are going to start without her. 

‘Ok’ I said. ‘Is he here?’

‘No, we are going to call him.’ She said. She could see the relief on my face. 

He got on the phone and and the Judge recapped his motion to dissolve and the reason. She then asked me if I wanted it dissolved and I said ‘No, I don’t want the protective order dissolved’ 

‘Then we are done. motion denied’ 

Both my prayers were answered. I didn’t have to see him today and my protective order remains in place. 

It is with a VERY thankful heart I pray these words from the Bible:

1 Thessalonians 5:18
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Psalm 107:1
Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!



This is me.   I’m Mar and I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ and I struggle with codependency. 

And this is what a very thankful heart looks like. 

And now I’m off to meet with my sponsor and my Celebrate Recovery Meeting. 

My journey to serenity continues… 

Message in a bottle…

A letter of encouragement to myself. 

Mar, 

First please know that last year wasn’t our fault. We had 46 years that took us to this moment in time. Please know that we are stronger than you would ever admit to anyone least of all yourself. Our intentions during that time were from a positive caring place. And know that I am so proud of us. 

Second, I am so sorry he hurt us. In all the ways he did. It wasn’t our fault, it’s his. Let go of that burden. He owns that shit. If it were not for his actions none of this would have happened the way it went down.

Keep writing, it’s helping to get all these feelings and experiences up and out. Let it be heard from the roof top what happened and how hard we are working to heal all those parts of our heart. And sharing our journey  is helping others, it is. Read the comments other people are posting. 

 
At times it feels so heavy to keep carrying all this with you. Remember worry does not change outcome . Leave our hurts and burdens at Gods feet. He is in control. Let Him take care of it in His perfect timing. 

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Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Lamentations 3:25 The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.

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Have you noticed how many people have said how nice it is to see your smile again or back to yourself. Or the person who told said I was like a different person than last year. 

Keep up the great work. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep reading. Keep going to meetings. Keep hanging around people in recovery. Keep talking. Keep your head up. Keep seeking God.

Now you have to do us a favor. 

I know I’m right because I’m crying writing this…..it’s time…..it’s time to feel that you are enough. Perfectly imperfect just how you are today. Know that we always were enough. 

 You know how you see and feel about the boys….making mistakes, growing, figuring out who they are, so proud it makes you cry….THAT is how God sees His precious daughter Mar.

Always-

Me

My journey to serenity continues…

I painted the pic used in this post and used Font Candy to add the text. =] 

You ARE the 5 people you hang around…

Do you not like where your life is???

Do you wish you were in a different place in your relationships or finances or weight???  

Have you ever looked around and wondered how did THIS become my life???

 

I have answered yes to all of these. 

Then I looked around the people I was hanging  with last summer, I discovered that they were in the middle of their addiction or irresponsibility or denial of what was going on. 

I thought…. I wasn’t drinking, not doing drugs, not on public assistance (not that there is anything wrong with it when you need a hand up, just not using it as a life style), not scamming for the next fix, not job searching, sorta, maybe, tomorrow I will, living in an awful place that the owner was in jail and the bank was going to foreclosed on it at some point so why not live there.  And yet there I was in the middle of it. The only one with a job. The only one with a car. The only one with a relationship with my kids. The only one with a roof over my head that was mine. They needed me and for some reason I needed to feel needed. 

The police were called to that awful place all the time. One night I was there when they were called and was wondering why because it was one of the quieter calmer nights. Shortly after the police arrived, I asked if it was ok that I leave. They asked me some questions. When my interview was over, the officer asked me what the hell was doing there? It was almost like a movie ‘what’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this’. I answered ‘the guy passed out on the floor upstairs in the front bedroom, for some stupid reason i love him and need to get out of this place’.

Pump the breaks. What the hell am I doing. 

I have not talked to anyone from the house is a long time. One passed away in the house. She fell down the stairs and cracked her head on the concrete floor. I was there the night before. And it rattled the house into sobriety for a few days. Three were or are still in jail (one being my ex boyfriend) and one fell off the face of the earth, I fear his fate as well.

Those 5 people were a mess in their addictions. And I became a different kind of mess with them.

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What does the Bible say about the people we hang around???

Proverbs 22:24-25 Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.

Proverbs 13:20 Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.
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Now the 5 people that I hang around are sober, working a program, have great jobs, have wonderful supportive friends and family, have a relationship with God, and helping others with what they are passionate about. Not to say life is easy for these people but they sure are not filled with the chaos and harm to ones self and others. 

So who am I becoming…sober from codependency, working a program, have great job, have wonderful supportive friends and family, have a relationship with God, and am helping others by writing this blog and sharing my story. Not to say life is easy now but my life sure is not filled with the chaos and harm to ones self and others life it once was. 

Lots can happen when you change who you hang with. 

My journey to serenity continues…

The graphic was made with the help of google images and an app called Font Candy to add the text.