What Does The Bible Say???

the funeral of a man I never met

Tonight I went to a funeral of a friend of a friend. When one hurts we all hurt. I went to support my friend and her family. 

While I didn’t know the man who died, I have known and loved many like him. His story was uniquely his but threads of every addicts story woven throughout. 

Amazing Grace,  wow what a powerful beautiful song. 

Amazing Grace, How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now am found
T’was blind but now I see

T’was Grace that taught my heart to fear
And Grace, my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

Through many dangers, toils and snares
We have already come.
T’was grace that brought us safe thus far
And grace will lead us home,
And grace will lead us home

Amazing grace, Howe Sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now am found
T’was blind but now I see

Was blind, but now I see.

This man lived through many dangers, toils and snares. And lived his life as best as he could with what he had. And now he sits with the Angels free from pain (both physical and mental). His brokenness is healing in heaven. 

And just as it’s described in Psalm 23:1-6.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell[a] in the house of the Lord Forever. 

I have always loved this Psalm. It has always made me feel safe and protected and cared about. My favorite parts are: He restored my soul. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies and My cup runs over. 

This relates so amazingly well with recovery…..

He restored my soul……In heaven we are restored, healed no longer hurting and broken. Steps 1-12! 

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies……for me this means that each of us is so special to God and He has prepared a table before us. Meaning each of us has a place at the table individually in spite of what anyone else thinks about us. We each deserves and have a place at Gods Table. I see Steps 4 and 10 all over this one. 

My cup runs over……is all about abundance. Abundance of love, mercy and grace. Abundance that I can’t even imagine. Step 12, sharing with others. 

So much to learn and think about tonight from the funeral of a man I never met. I am grateful. 

My journey to serenity continues…..

My Truth, What Does The Bible Say???

running on empty…

I feel like I’ve been running on empty for a very long time and especially lately. for different reasons but empty all the same. 

Sparks of recharging but short lived. 

I have felt overwhelmed about all parts of my life for a long time. Trying to keep all the parts moving within reason. 

I am planning on making some time this weekend and get a plan together for a few things that need to be taken care of. 

  

Plan your work, work your plan.   

I have often thought about time and energy spent on different parts of life as tanks. My relationship with God tank, my relationships with my kids tank, my personal development tank, my friends tank, my enjoyment at work tank, my financial tank as examples. I draw tanks and label them. On a scale of 1 empty to 10 super happy where do I feel I am in these different places. 

How I choose to spend my time and energy is my decision. Sometimes some things need to take a backseat and less of my attention. 

Spending time and energy on my recovery from codependency and really healing from prior bad relationships takes time, energy and willingness. I’m so there but it’s exhausting. 

Hoping this 3 day weekend will allow me to recharge, reevaluate and recover a little bit more. 

John 16:13 
When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.

Proverbs 21:5 
The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance, but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty.

James 1:5 
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.

My journey to serenity continues…

My Truth, What Does The Bible Say???

Finding Hope in Healing…

I looked up the definition of HOPE. Hope is to trust in…..wait for……look for…..or desire for …..something or someone ……..beneficial in the future.

There was a time not long ago that I had hope in  my own ability to get a situation were I wanted it. The more I tried, the further from hope I got. 

If you are new to my blog, first welcome and thank you for reading and second what you should know is I struggle with codependency. I was in a relationship with an alcoholic. 

We struggled for months and months with our addictions and our lives were completely out of control. With his encouragement, I kept waiting for him to hit his bottom and at each thing that turned out not to be his bottom, I was pulled further into a life that was not my own. 

It ended in the worst of ways. He went to jail and I went to the courthouse and got a protective order. Heartbroken and confused about how this all happened. 

  
I started attending a 12 step program about 6 months ago. I really felt hopeless when I first started. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I was so broken inside. 

With the grace of God, I kept attending meetings, tried different nights, started talking to people and found out about the program I now attend and just adore. 

I know that God goes before me and put people in my life to help me with my understanding of codependency and recovery. 

God had restored my hope and my hope rests in him. 

What does the Bible say about hope?

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you. declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Hebrews 11:1
Faith is the assurance of things you have hoped for, the absolute conviction that there are realities you’ve never seen. 

Isaiah 41:10
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

My journey to serenity continues…

My Truth, What Does The Bible Say???

Like a rose trampled on the ground…

Tuesday nights have become my favorite night of the week. Why? Because that is my Celebrate Recovery (CR) meeting night. I’m going to make an effort and add Friday night as well. Friday night is a different location. I always feel so much better after a meeting. Grounded. Loved. At peace. 

Here is part of my favorite song of the night…

 Above All
Michael Smith

Crucified
Laid behind a stone
You lived to die
Rejected and alone
Like a rose
Trampled on the ground
You took the fall
And thought of me
Above all 
 

 

Jesus sacrificed everything for me (and for you.) He paid the price for me (and for you) 

As I shared in yesterday’s post, this week a year ago was the beginning of the end . I’ve spent far too much time in the last 2 days reliving and beating myself up for not seeing what was going to happen. 

A conversation last night revealed to me that maybe just maybe God was protecting me from seeing it sooner because this needed to happen. And maybe just maybe it’s what was happening for my ex as well as me. I know God was working in my life and his. And as addiction took over his life and my codependency took over mine, this was what was needed to happen. 

I’m not saying that God wanted me to be hurt in all the ways I was but having been in THAT place and now not being there but being here working a program. That THAT got me to want to give my codependency to God. To trust His plan for me. To understand that I have had a my life long history of unhealthy relationships. 

What does the bible say about dwelling on the past…

Philippians 3:13-14 
Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.


2 Corinthians 5:17-18 
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation. 

What is old has passed away and the new has come. Reminds me of a caterpillar and changing  becomes a butterfly. I want to become that butterfly. I can be that butterfly. I am that caterpillar and I am that butterfly.

 
I have this tattoo on my shoulder, sometimes I forget because I can’t see it. 
Fly high little butterfly, the view is better up there. 

My journey to serenity continues…

The pics used in this post are mine. That rose was given to me during a very dark day last year and I felt like a rose trampled on the ground. And the Fly high butterfly tattoo is on my right shoulder. 

My Truth, What Does The Bible Say???

Message in a bottle…

A letter of encouragement to myself. 

Mar, 

First please know that last year wasn’t our fault. We had 46 years that took us to this moment in time. Please know that we are stronger than you would ever admit to anyone least of all yourself. Our intentions during that time were from a positive caring place. And know that I am so proud of us. 

Second, I am so sorry he hurt us. In all the ways he did. It wasn’t our fault, it’s his. Let go of that burden. He owns that shit. If it were not for his actions none of this would have happened the way it went down.

Keep writing, it’s helping to get all these feelings and experiences up and out. Let it be heard from the roof top what happened and how hard we are working to heal all those parts of our heart. And sharing our journey  is helping others, it is. Read the comments other people are posting. 

 
At times it feels so heavy to keep carrying all this with you. Remember worry does not change outcome . Leave our hurts and burdens at Gods feet. He is in control. Let Him take care of it in His perfect timing. 

*************

Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Lamentations 3:25 The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.

*************

Have you noticed how many people have said how nice it is to see your smile again or back to yourself. Or the person who told said I was like a different person than last year. 

Keep up the great work. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep reading. Keep going to meetings. Keep hanging around people in recovery. Keep talking. Keep your head up. Keep seeking God.

Now you have to do us a favor. 

I know I’m right because I’m crying writing this…..it’s time…..it’s time to feel that you are enough. Perfectly imperfect just how you are today. Know that we always were enough. 

 You know how you see and feel about the boys….making mistakes, growing, figuring out who they are, so proud it makes you cry….THAT is how God sees His precious daughter Mar.

Always-

Me

My journey to serenity continues…

I painted the pic used in this post and used Font Candy to add the text. =] 

My Truth, What Does The Bible Say???

You ARE the 5 people you hang around…

Do you not like where your life is???

Do you wish you were in a different place in your relationships or finances or weight???  

Have you ever looked around and wondered how did THIS become my life???

 

I have answered yes to all of these. 

Then I looked around the people I was hanging  with during the  summer of 2015. I discovered that they were in the middle of their addiction or irresponsibility or denial of what was going on. 

I thought…. I wasn’t drinking, not doing drugs, not on public assistance (not that there is anything wrong with it when you need a hand up, just not using it as a life style), not scamming for the next fix, not job searching, sorta, maybe, tomorrow I will, living in an awful place that the owner was in jail and the bank was going to foreclosed on it at some point so why not live there.  And yet there I was in the middle of it. The only one with a job. The only one with a car. The only one with a relationship with my kids. The only one with a roof over my head that was mine. They needed me and for some reason I needed to feel needed. 

The police were called to that awful place all the time. One night I was there when they were called and was wondering why because it was one of the quieter calmer nights. Shortly after the police arrived, I asked if it was ok that I leave. They asked me some questions. When my interview was over, the officer asked me what the hell was doing there? It was almost like a movie ‘what’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this’. I answered ‘the guy passed out on the floor upstairs in the front bedroom, for some stupid reason i love him and need to get out of this place’.

Pump the breaks. What the hell am I doing. 

I have not talked to anyone from the house is a long time. One passed away in the house. She fell down the stairs and cracked her head on the concrete floor. I was there the night before. And it rattled the house into sobriety for a few days. Three were in jail but today I do not know where any of them are. 

Those 5 people were a mess in their addictions. And I became a different kind of mess right along with them.

*************

What does the Bible say about the people we hang around???

Proverbs 22:24-25 Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.

Proverbs 13:20 Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.
*************

Now the 5 people that I hang around are sober, working a program, have great jobs, have wonderful supportive friends and family, have a relationship with God, and helping others with what they are passionate about. Not to say life is easy for these people but they sure are not filled with the chaos and harm to ones self and others. 

So who am I becoming…sober from codependency, working a program, have great job, have wonderful supportive friends and family, have a relationship with God, and am helping others by writing this blog and sharing my story. Not to say life is easy now but my life sure is not filled with the chaos and harm to ones self and others life it once was. 

Lots can happen when you change who you hang with. 

My journey to serenity continues…

The graphic was made with the help of google images and an app called Font Candy to add the text.

My Truth, Sober Living, What Does The Bible Say???

Seasons…

I love when periods of time of life are described as seasons. 

I’ve been thinking about what season my life is in. I am recovering from an abuse relationship. I am understanding how my codependent nature contributed to that relationship and how it kept me stuck. I am mourning what could have been. I am learning to forgive, trust and love myself again. I am seeking a relationship with God. I am in a season of growth. I am in a season of time to build up. I am in a season of speaking and share my story. 

*************

What does the bible say about seasons?Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace. 

*************

No matter the season, be present where you are. 

Know that God uses us to shine light on each other’s darkness. Knowingly or unknowingly, He is using my story and your story for others. The bible is full of storys about what season someone was in and those stories help us today. There was fear and shame and joy and promise.

  
I have had some sad seasons. Loss of my parents, loss of a 18 year marriage. Loss of material things. Loss of self. Loss of a what I thought could be. Having been in these seasons, they have made me the person I am today. Still growing, still rebuilding, still flawed but also loving and caring and enough just the way that I am. 

Don’t wish a season away. Be present. 

My journey to serenity continues…
PS I painted the picture used in this post

My Truth, What Does The Bible Say???

Beauty in Brokenness

There have been times when I have felt broken. Defeated. Damaged. Crushed. Hurt. Sadness over the loss of hopes, dreams and what could have been. 

What I have learned during those times is that those feelings do not last forever and there are lessons to be learned. It is so very hard to remember these truths when you are middle of those feelings. 

Finding the beauty in brokenness.  

 
What does the bible say about brokenness? Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Last year highlighted my codependency nature, it was been a part of who I am as long as I can remember. Codependency is about control. Controlling the things around me. Giving up control, surrendering to God’s will has changed my life the last few months.

I could be resentful and angry about last year….I could be but I choose not to be. I choose to find the beauty in brokenness. Knowing that I am stronger today than yesterday and stronger for having been in at awful place. 

There is a song by Jon Guerra Stained Glass. he sings in part….

show me what you see
when you look at me
show me what is real
more than what i feel
we have stains, it’s true
but when your light shines through 
we all look like stained glass windows to you

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QhfpgrqgAso  

God sees me, the person that he wants me to be, stained, broken. hurt and being put back together only because of His grace and love. 

Broken is beautiful because when the pieces are back together a new better version of me is created. 

My journey to serenity continues….

My Truth, Sober Living, What Does The Bible Say???

This Thing Called Grace…

I am overwhelmed by the positive responses, love and support to my first blog post. 

There truly is so much power and healing in sharing yourself with others. It is only by the Grace of God that I am in recovery. 

You now can see strength and courage but what I have felt was shame and embarrassment. And what saved me is this thing called Grace. 

******************************

What does the Bible say about SHAME 1Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

  
What the Bible says about GRACE           2Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.



*****************************

While religion was an important part of my childhood, as I hit my late teens it was not important to me. And my faith became quiet. As I grew older, I felt something was missing in my life. After I got divorced in 2011, I began seeking for what was missing. 

I didn’t know at the time but what I was lacking was a relationship with God. 

I went Church Shopping. I did a few Bible studies but didn’t click with the people in the group nor did I feel I fit into the Church. But I kept seeking. I found a Church home in 2014. I loved what they were teaching. It’s what I was looking for. They were teaching the Bible. They encouraged to join a group and study together. Which is what I did.

I was walking the path that God had planned for me. Or so I thought. 

In 2015, smoke and mirrors covered the truth of the path I was on. I was convinced this was part of Gods plan. And then life happened and the man I was with changed in what seemed like a second. I ignored the warning signs and got caught up in his addiction. Trying to save him from himself became my job. 

Codependent much? 

When I finally hit my bottom, I not only walked away, I ran. 

The Grace and love that God has shown me from friends and family walking along side me during this time brings me to my knees.

I can never repay the countless people who knowing and unknowingly supported me. But what I can do, is share my story. I can celebrate my recovery. I can shine my light bright. So bright that I shine on someone else’s darkness.