How to stay on track…

Hi my name is Mar. I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ and I struggle with codependency.  

 
I attend a 12 Step program, Celebrate Recovery. I love attending. I feel encouraged, learn skills and am with others who are struggling with hurts, hang ups and habits.  

What I love most is what I learn from others experience. What is unique is this program is for anyone with ANY hurt, hang up or habit. So no matter the addiction we all share together and it’s amazing how much we are all the same. What got us to this path to something being unmanageable is the same and the work you need to do get out is all the same. 

There are lots of 12 step programs. Don’t give up on the first one. Try a different night, try a different group. Don’t give up. 

Keep going back, it works if you work it and YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

My journey to serenity continues…

Thank you google images for the pic and font candy for the text that I created.

Making a mess into a message…

God has put on my heart to share my journey and make my mess a message. 

I took this canvas and drew a heart the size of the canvas and wrote all my hurts about my relationship last year. 

I painted over it in my favorite colors.

I took a class last year at my Church titled A Glorious Mess. 

So I added I am a glorious mess to remind myself to glorify God in all things and share my story with others. 

 
 Thank you for reading and supporting me along this journey. I hope you find strengh and hope in my story and it helps you in your journey.

Luke 8:39 “Return to your home, and declare how much God has done for you.” And he went away, proclaiming throughout the whole city how much Jesus had done for him.

My journey to serenity continues…

You ARE the 5 people you hang around…

Do you not like where your life is???

Do you wish you were in a different place in your relationships or finances or weight???  

Have you ever looked around and wondered how did THIS become my life???

 

I have answered yes to all of these. 

Then I looked around the people I was hanging  with last summer, I discovered that they were in the middle of their addiction or irresponsibility or denial of what was going on. 

I thought…. I wasn’t drinking, not doing drugs, not on public assistance (not that there is anything wrong with it when you need a hand up, just not using it as a life style), not scamming for the next fix, not job searching, sorta, maybe, tomorrow I will, living in an awful place that the owner was in jail and the bank was going to foreclosed on it at some point so why not live there.  And yet there I was in the middle of it. The only one with a job. The only one with a car. The only one with a relationship with my kids. The only one with a roof over my head that was mine. They needed me and for some reason I needed to feel needed. 

The police were called to that awful place all the time. One night I was there when they were called and was wondering why because it was one of the quieter calmer nights. Shortly after the police arrived, I asked if it was ok that I leave. They asked me some questions. When my interview was over, the officer asked me what the hell was doing there? It was almost like a movie ‘what’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this’. I answered ‘the guy passed out on the floor upstairs in the front bedroom, for some stupid reason i love him and need to get out of this place’.

Pump the breaks. What the hell am I doing. 

I have not talked to anyone from the house is a long time. One passed away in the house. She fell down the stairs and cracked her head on the concrete floor. I was there the night before. And it rattled the house into sobriety for a few days. Three were or are still in jail (one being my ex boyfriend) and one fell off the face of the earth, I fear his fate as well.

Those 5 people were a mess in their addictions. And I became a different kind of mess with them.

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What does the Bible say about the people we hang around???

Proverbs 22:24-25 Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.

Proverbs 13:20 Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.
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Now the 5 people that I hang around are sober, working a program, have great jobs, have wonderful supportive friends and family, have a relationship with God, and helping others with what they are passionate about. Not to say life is easy for these people but they sure are not filled with the chaos and harm to ones self and others. 

So who am I becoming…sober from codependency, working a program, have great job, have wonderful supportive friends and family, have a relationship with God, and am helping others by writing this blog and sharing my story. Not to say life is easy now but my life sure is not filled with the chaos and harm to ones self and others life it once was. 

Lots can happen when you change who you hang with. 

My journey to serenity continues…

The graphic was made with the help of google images and an app called Font Candy to add the text.

THIS SHIT JUST GOT REAL…

I know some of my friends are wondering how did Mar ever find herself in this position or why didn’t she see it coming???

Well the truth is, I have often thought that same thing.  

The best way to explain it is this….

If you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, the frog would jump out. But put a frog in a pot of the perfect temperature water and s l o w l y turning up the heat, what happens is suddenly the frog is in a pot of boiling water and is trying to figure out what to do and what the heck is going on. 

 

So there I was wondering what the heck happened, my kids are hurt and were not heard, the man I saw my future with lied about everything and when I told him to leave me alone he started stalking me. I couldn’t focus at work, I couldn’t keep track of my bills because my attention was elsewhere. 

My codependency nature was totally out of control and I was failing on all fronts. 

Trying to control everything but controlling nothing. Being in denial about what was really going on. Having lack of boundaries and speeding past stop signs. Being told all the things I needed to hear. Being told that things will be different just hang on and don’t leave him. Being told that this was part of Gods plan for us and to trust him rather than the exit ramp it was and trusting myself. I was trying so hard to hold onto what I wanted it to be and not to what it was. 

  
The combination of all those things became my pot of boiling water. I am grateful that I got out. But I didn’t do it alone. God, prayers and friends saved me and I am forever humbled by the grace and love that was given to me. 

My journey to serenity continues….

I created the graphics in this post with the help of google images and the font candy app. 

When life kicks you…

Felt a little kicked this week but I will NOT let the actions of others derail my progress. 

Stuff with my ex husband (and his relationship with our kids) and ex boyfriend (him taking me to court to dissolve my protective order) has been stressful but DID NOT spin me out like it may have just a few months ago. 

You can kick me but know it’s just going to make me stronger and push me forward!!! 

And soon enough you’ll get tired of kicking because I’m not reacting like I used to and what a great feeling this is!!!

 
 My journey to serenity continues…
PS while I did not paint this graphic, I did design it =] 

Seeing things a different way…

Do you see a tree line with a reflection?

Do you see a guitar? 

Do you see a tree line with a reflection that happens to look like a guitar? 

This was an actual picture but I wondered if it was real. A friend of mine posted it on Facebook and I knew I had to paint it. It is just so beautiful and simple. I love this painting. 

 

Now that I am past the daily chaos that was. I can look back at my life and am starting to see things a different way. 

My recovery from being codependent is still in its early stages. 

I am still embarrassed that I lived this way. I am still hurting. But everyday I get a little stronger. 

  
I am learning to let go and forgive myself. That process is very hard. I am responsible for so many things running amok. In an earlier post I said I wish I had a super power and could rewind time but I don’t so I can’t. 

But what I did do is that I’ve made a list of things I am responsible for and a list of things I wasn’t. Makes it clear where I need to put some energy in for forgiving myself and what I need to let go. That’s not part of my story. That’s someone else’s crap to deal with. I’m leaving it for them to deal with, known or unknown. Its not mine. 

It’s easy to take someone else’s inventory, but there is self love and grace and wisdom in taking our own. I get that now. I see it differently. 

Part of why some of this is hard for me is I don’t have closure. My parents have passed, my ex husband….well is my ex husband and it would not be a productive conversation. And my ex boyfriend….well I have a protective order. I guess is all part of Gods plan. That I will find my closure a different way. 

My journey to serenity continues…

I painted the pictures in this blog post. =]

I am…

I am enough…

There was a time that I felt that I wasn’t enough to get my ex to stop drinking. 

But that was his issue not mine. I am enough.   
I am resilient…

Because I have survived some difficult dark days. 

  
I am Perfectly imperfect…

Because life is messy and I have made mistakes. 

  
My story is not over! 

I am a work in progress and God has a wonderful plan for me! 

  
Sharing my story is an important part of my journey to serenity. Take this ride with me, the best is yet to be!!!

My journey to serenity continues…

I painted the pics in this post