Hi my name is Mar and I am codependent.
We all come into any relationship or friendship with ‘stuff’ from our prior relationships and how we learned to cope with life.
Some stuff is good while other stuff, well not so much.
I come to the table being a fixer. I am a home owner and run the household and solve problems by myself. I am a single parent and help my kids resolve conflict and manage schedules by myself. I have bills to pay and I manage my money by myself. I work for a service company and with every phone call, I resolve a problem or answer a question. I am a fixer.
I got into a relationship with an alcholic who at the start was dry but not sober. But I didn’t know the difference at the time.
A dry alcholic is someone who is not drinking but may be in denial that they have a problem and is just one step away from drinking. Or someone who is substituting one addiction for another like over working or over eating and not dealing with the underline issues.
While sobriety is a journey where the person deals with the underline cause of the addiction and has a support system and tools to cope differently when life happens.
Suddenly I was dealing with all my monkeys (house, kids, job) plus someone else’s problem monkeys that were running amok because he started drinking (drinking, lost his job, not paying support, court dates) when life happened.
His first reaction was to find the bottom of a bottle….for days and days then it was weeks and weeks which turned into months and months. During this time there were glimpses of wanting to change. Wants and actions were not speaking the same language. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s hard. Really really hard. There are a million steps and decision points between wanting and doing. Picking him up after detoxing at the hospital for him to drink again as soon as his could his hands on it was inconsistent for sure. Support and tools are available when the person makes the decision to use them.
My first reaction was to drop my monkeys and try to round up and fix his and get them back in control. Clearly I’m a terrible monkey trainer. As a result, my monkeys started to run amok and I had one mucky circus going on.
Now that I am no longer in this relationship, I’m back to dealing with my monkeys. I have to say my monkeys and my circus is much easier to deal with now that I have support and tools to help keep them that way.
I am powerless over being codependent. I believe that only God can restore me to sanity. I know Gods got this and me! I understand myself better. I know I’m a fixer. But I have learned to accept the things I cannot change….the courage to change the things I can….and the wisdom to know the difference.