Beauty in Brokenness

There have been times when I have felt broken. Defeated. Damaged. Crushed. Hurt. Sadness over the loss of hopes, dreams and what could have been. 

What I have learned during those times is that those feelings do not last forever and there are lessons to be learned. It is so very hard to remember these truths when you are middle of those feelings. 

Finding the beauty in brokenness.  

 
What does the bible say about brokenness? Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Last year highlighted my codependency nature, it was been a part of who I am as long as I can remember. Codependency is about control. Controlling the things around me. Giving up control, surrendering to God’s will has changed my life the last few months.

I could be resentful and angry about last year….I could be but I choose not to be. I choose to find the beauty in brokenness. Knowing that I am stronger today than yesterday and stronger for having been in at awful place. 

There is a song by Jon Guerra Stained Glass. he sings in part….

show me what you see
when you look at me
show me what is real
more than what i feel
we have stains, it’s true
but when your light shines through 
we all look like stained glass windows to you

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QhfpgrqgAso  

God sees me, the person that he wants me to be, stained, broken. hurt and being put back together only because of His grace and love. 

Broken is beautiful because when the pieces are back together a new better version of me is created. 

My journey to serenity continues….

Love after Love

2015 was filled is bad decisions and me trying to hold onto a relationship that was overtaken by addiction and codependency. 

Nonsense and foolishness ruled my day. 

Once the dust settled, the healing started. The one person I needed to forgive the most was myself. I’m still working on that. It breaks my heart to know how my actions impacted me and my family. 

If I had a super power I would rewind time. So I could go back to the night he asked me to move in with me. I would ask a lot more questions and I would have trusted my gut and said no. 

Since I don’t have super powers, I had to just start from where I was and make the decision to put one foot in front of the other. 

I struggle sometimes when I am reminded of the good times we had. Doing the simple day to day things. That were all lost because of his addiction and my codependency. And simple day to day was no more. 

I heard this poem and saved it well over a year ago. Before any of this started. Proves to me again that God goes before me and He knew that one day I would cling to these words…that I found it at the exact time I need to. 

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LOVE AFTER LOVE

by Derek Wilcott

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

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I have greeted myself at my own door with elation. I am feasting on life. I am so worth it. I am filled with love and joy. 

I have started to forgive myself and love myself again. 

NOT my Circus. NOT my Monkey…

Hi my name is Mar and I am codependent. 

We all come into any relationship or friendship with ‘stuff’ from our prior relationships and how we learned to cope with life.  

Some stuff is good while other stuff, well not so much. 

 I come to the table being a fixer. I am a home owner and run the household and solve problems by myself. I am a single parent and help my kids resolve conflict and manage schedules by myself. I have bills to pay and I manage my money by myself. I work for a service company and with every phone call, I resolve a problem or answer a question. I am a fixer. 

I got into a relationship with an alcholic who at the start was dry but not sober. But I didn’t know the difference at the time. 

A dry alcholic is someone who is not drinking but may be in denial that they have a problem and is just one step away from drinking. Or someone who is substituting one addiction for another like over working or over eating and not dealing with the underline issues. 

While sobriety is a journey where the person deals with the underline cause of the addiction and has a support system and tools to cope differently when life happens. 

Suddenly I was dealing with all my monkeys (house, kids, job) plus someone else’s problem monkeys that were running amok because he started drinking (drinking, lost his job, not paying support, court dates) when life happened. 

    

His first reaction was to find the bottom of a bottle….for days and days then it was weeks and weeks which turned into months and months. During this time there were glimpses of wanting to change. Wants and actions were not speaking the same language. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s hard. Really really hard. There are a million steps and decision points  between wanting and doing.  Picking him up after detoxing at the hospital for him to drink again as soon as his could his hands on it was inconsistent for sure. Support and tools are available when the person makes the decision to use them. 

My first reaction was to drop my monkeys and try to round up and fix his and get them back in control. Clearly I’m a terrible monkey trainer. As a result, my monkeys started to run amok and I had one mucky circus going on. 

Now that I am no longer in this relationship, I’m back to dealing with my monkeys. I have to say my monkeys and my circus is much easier to deal with now that I have support and tools to help keep them that way. 

I am powerless over being codependent. I believe that only God can restore me to sanity. I know Gods got this and me! I understand myself better. I know I’m a fixer. But I have learned to accept the things I cannot change….the courage to change the things I can….and the wisdom to know the difference. 

  

This Thing Called Grace…

I am overwhelmed by the positive responses, love and support to my first blog post. 

There truly is so much power and healing in sharing yourself with others. It is only by the Grace of God that I am in recovery. 

You now can see strength and courage but what I have felt was shame and embarrassment. And what saved me is this thing called Grace. 

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What does the Bible say about SHAME 1Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

  
What the Bible says about GRACE           2Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.



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While religion was an important part of my childhood, as I hit my late teens it was not important to me. And my faith became quiet. As I grew older, I felt something was missing in my life. After I got divorced in 2011, I began seeking for what was missing. 

I didn’t know at the time but what I was lacking was a relationship with God. 

I went Church Shopping. I did a few Bible studies but didn’t click with the people in the group nor did I feel I fit into the Church. But I kept seeking. I found a Church home in 2014. I loved what they were teaching. It’s what I was looking for. They were teaching the Bible. They encouraged to join a group and study together. Which is what I did.

I was walking the path that God had planned for me. Or so I thought. 

In 2015, smoke and mirrors covered the truth of the path I was on. I was convinced this was part of Gods plan. And then life happened and the man I was with changed in what seemed like a second. I ignored the warning signs and got caught up in his addiction. Trying to save him from himself became my job. 

Codependent much? 

When I finally hit my bottom, I not only walked away, I ran. 

The Grace and love that God has shown me from friends and family walking along side me during this time brings me to my knees.

I can never repay the countless people who knowing and unknowingly supported me. But what I can do, is share my story. I can celebrate my recovery. I can shine my light bright. So bright that I shine on someone else’s darkness. 

Once upon a time…

  there was a girl named Mar who grew up to find herself dazed and confused with a broken heart and a protective order against a man who she thought was everything she was looking for. 

I’m starting my story at the beginning of the end of a codependent relationship which just so happens to also be the beginning of my recovery journey. 

I found my life to be completely out of control and unmanageable. My life was spun out of control covering for, taking care of and putting my alcholic boyfriends needs above everything else. 

If only I loved him more, he would stop. If only I believed in him more, he would stop. If only I trusted him completely, he would stop. If only. If only. If only. 

Late summer of 2015 I was told  I’m sorry so many times that those words began to have no meaning. I covered the bruises with long sleeved shirts and lied to everyone about the black eye. 

In early October, after a series of text messages and phone calls of asking him to leave me alone.  He texted me at all hours of the day and night hurtful and hateful things. He called me from several phones he had access to. He trespassed and entered my home when I was not there. He scared my son and I had no other choice but to get the police and courts involved. If only he had listened and just left me alone. 

Where is your bottom I said over and over and over again as things kept escalating. 

But the truth is I had reached my bottom. 

After a couple of trips to the courthouse and many many tears I walked out of the courthouse with a protective order and a broken heart because I was just not enough (well that’s how I felt at the time) I was dazed and confused as to what the hell just happened to me. At that time, I didn’t realize that I was codependent.

Since December 2015 I have been going to a 12 step program. I have been reading and understanding where I’ve been and how I got there. I have been reading the Bible. I have been talking to people in recovery. 

I am early in my recovery. I am not an expert in any way shape or form in 12 step programs. I am not a therapist nor do I play one on TV. 

I’m just a girl who is on the journey to serenity. Who knows there is power in sharing my story. Who has already learned and grown so much in the past 4 months. 

And wants you to know…..I am enough. And I always was enough. 

My codependent nature clouded my judgment and belief in myself. I looked past things I shouldn’t have and didn’t ask enough questions when in my heart I knew I should have. 

I’m learning to trust myself again. 

I’m learning to forgive myself. 

I’m learning to love myself again.