6 years ago on Facebook, I posted one simple word. ‘Broken’. When I read it, I was immediately pulled back to that time. Where I was. How I felt. And what was about to happened. I was broken.
I had plan. I wrote THE letter. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore.
I was suicidal and afraid to tell anyone cause I didn’t want my kids to be taken away from me while I was thinking of taking myself away from them.
But I stopped.
I sat in those feelings today for just a little while. So sad for who I was at that time. I wanted to hug her and say, ‘it’s going to be ok. Better than ok in-fact. It may not feel that way right now but I promise you God has a plan.’
Thank you Jesus that I stopped. I had already been seeking God. And trying to figure out what happened to my life.
Well it took me 6 more months to find myself again and get spiritually, mentally and emotionally strong enough to say enough is enough. Enough of the madness. Enough of the lies. The lies I was told and lies I told others to cover up how broken and lost I left. Enough of the living in fear of where I was and where I was going. Enough of being in denial. Enough of trying to save someone from themselves and their addiction.
Feb 2016 I went to my first Celebrate Recovery (CR) and I have never looked back.
From working the 12 Steps and 8 Principles of CR, I have learned so much about myself and how I learned to cope with life with codependency and why. I have gained awareness of my behaviors and now have new ways of coping.
I have learned so many amazing Bible verses and now actually read the Bible. And I apply them all the time.
For example, there are days that need to put on the Armor of God and well maybe I should be putting on these 7 pieces of armor everyday. Ephesians 6: 13-17 “Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”
And I strive to live up to The Fruits of the Spirit. These are the 9 attributes of someone who is living in accord with the Holy Spirit. Galatians 5:22-23 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.”
When my mind wonders and I’m feeling down, I am reminded of what to think about in Philippians 4:8-9 “In conclusion, my friends, fill your minds with those things that are good and that deserve praise: things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable. Put into practice what you learned and received from me, both from my words and from my actions. And the God who gives us peace will be with you.”
I’m grateful for being in this place today and the direction I am going. I am grateful that I stopped 6 years ago. And I am grateful for the last 6 years and every step along the way.
I am grateful for being perfectly imperfect but working every single day to become who God always knew I was.
My journey to serenity continues…