Yesterday I spent a few hours with friends from Celebrate Recovery. We had a picnic at a flower farm.
What a beautiful, special, blessed day it was.
Many of us posted pics and thoughts about how nice this time together was especially since we had not been together in person since mid-March.
Recovery friends are referred to as Forever Family. Reflecting on yesterday, forever family is the perfect way to describe way to identify these people to me.
I created an photo album online titled ‘This is CR’ The description says. Celebrate Recovery has changed my life and has taught me how to walk along side others with love. It’s not just a meeting once a week, it’s how I do life and how I do life with others.
I didn’t realize how much I really missed being with my CR family in person for the last few months until seeing so many of them yesterday.
Looking back, some of my favorite days were ones with my Forever Family. Painting, a birthday party, axe throwing and a picnic at a flower farm to name a few.
It’s not just a meeting once a week. It’s real relationships. People who you want to spend time with. People you admire. People who know your junk and love you anyway. People I know their junk and don’t judge but love them for who they are today.
It’s not just a meeting once a week. It’s a way of living life with others in a healthy way.
Stay on this ride with me, the best is yet to be.
My journey to serenity continues…
Ps the pics in the post are my pics from the different CR forever family gatherings
In this world of uncertainty that we have found ourselves in, I started feeling anxious and overwhelmed while at the grocery store tonight.
I walked down aisle after aisle and found empty shelves and choices were limited. I was hit in the face with how real this is. The restaurant in the same parking lot was empty and the coffee shop was dark.
I felt that I needed to remind myself of all the tools and new ways of coping with life when life happens that I have learned from WORKING a recovery program. Cause life is happening right now and while it’s a little unsettling, I know that this will not last forever and God is in control.
I used my tools right away, which was kinda cool that it came so naturally. I reached out to my sponsor and talked to her about how I was I was feeling and why I felt this way. And I found out, that she was feeling the same way. Having a sponsor, accountability partner or trusted friend to talk to is just so important. I know I am not alone in my feelings.
Here are some other things that are on top of my toolbox:
🔨 Eating well. Comfort food is called that for a reason. Often is not the best choice but sure makes me feel good. Adding healthy options like a salad or veggies is a plus. I also tend not to eat and go for long periods of time without eating. So I need to keep planning meals so it’s something I don’t have to think about. I have it written down and know what to do next without having to think about. Making smart food choices will keep me healthy.
🔧 Take meds. Always take your meds as prescribed. It might be a good idea to take a vitamin too.
🔩 Exercise. Now that gyms are closing to practice social distancing, there are still lots of options. Can be as simple as going out for a walk. Or going up and down the stairs at home. Or there are tons of online resources on YouTube for workouts at home. If you have a gym membership, they may even have resources on their website or Facebook group. Or how about putting on your favorite music and just dancing!
🔨 Read. Lots of options here too. From the serenity prayer to the 12 steps and 8 principles (Celebrate Recovery) Can all be found on the CR app or online. The Holy Bible app is another really good one to download. There are many suggestions on the home page of the one I use has references hope and anxiety or I can search programs. Or I have even googled ’what does the Bible say about —- ’ to find really good verses on that topic or feeling. Can always read other stuff too but there are my go.
🔧 Journal. Journaling can help you sort out your feelings. Ask yourself, have I felt this way before? When? Why am I feeling this way? How did I cope last time? Did that help? Why or why not. Tons of journaling books available if you need props too.
🔩 Get creative. I enjoy painting but I recently discovered diamond painting which is kinda mindless yet fun. Sometimes I struggle with ideas on what to paint so diamond painting takes the pressure off. Think about what you enjoyed doing as a kid. Did you like to color, crossword puzzles or draw? Give those a try again. You may find a new (old) hobby.
🔨 Write a thank you or thinking of you note. Send an email or text and check on someone else. Let them know you are thinking about them. Set up a call and share a cup of coffee by phone.
🔧 Do and act of kindness. I cleaned out a cabinet over the weekend and found a few board games that we hadn’t used in years. So I posted on my neighborhood Facebook group and set them outside. They were gone within an hour.
🔩 My 100 things list. One of the first things my sponsor had me do was write a list of 100 positive words that described myself. This took me a month and I asked my friends for help and I use the thesauruses. But when it gets in my head that I am not enough, I reread these words to remind myself who I really am.
If you need a place to start, here are some things God says about us from a Bible study I did:
I am blessed
I am chosen, forgiven, favored and accepted
I am made in Gods image
I am His child
I am victorious and strengthened by Him
I am healed, new, delivered, set free and redeemed
I am complete
I am fearfully and wonderfully made
I am His masterpiece
And I am loved
🔨 Listen to Music. Have a playlist on your phone or listen to on of your favorites on YouTube and that song will lead to the next and you just may find a new favorite one.
🔧 You can meditate – there’s an app for that too. I use the free version of ABIDE. It’s a prayer meditation style app which has a list of topics from anger, anxiety to fear or hope. These are short just 2-5 minutes meditations.
Using these 🔨 🔧 🔩 will keep me connected. Connected to God. Connected to myself and my program and connected to others.
This is my final thought.
From Philippians 4: 8-9
And now dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right and pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.
And the God of peace will be with you….another word for peace is serenity. And the God of serenity will be with you.
Stay well. Stay positive. Take things one day at a time. Stay connected and go wash your hands.
I was drowning in his addiction. It was all consuming. It impacted every part of my life. I didn’t know how to stop the merry-go-round of addict and enabler.
I knew it wasn’t right but I kept going back. Kept waiting for him to hit his bottom. I knew I was hurting myself but I ignoring that part and only focused on him. Seeing myself from the outside, screaming don’t go see him….cut him off….walk away. But I couldn’t hear it.
I would have those thoughts and then think, this is the time. This is when he hits his bottom and we would bounce up from there. That I would walk away and this time he would get sober and stay sober. I’d think back to the good days and want those days back. That if I walked away, I’d miss it and not being part of it.
There’s not only the fact that I prevented him from growing and learning from his actions and the consequences from those actions. But I was also putting myself in harms way. My poor decisions were impacting the world around me and I couldn’t stop it.
Until I hit my bottom. I walked away and have never looked back. I kept putting one foot in front of the other. Kept making the next right choice for me. I was craving more for me and for my life.
As I worked through this I had to ask myself some hard questions. How did THIS become my life. How WAS it ok with me to not only put myself in this relationship but why did it stay ok? That this is a good as it gets and what I deserved? Was I so lonely that THAT life became ok? Why did I NEED to be needed and being needed meant love. Why did that feel like love? HOW and WHY did my worth become based on fixing someone else. So many hard questions that key to the answers were threaded back in my entire life.
I was drowning in his addiction.
But I’m not drowning anymore. I have bounced up from my bottom. I have found myself. I found it wasn’t ok. I found that that was far from as good as it gets. I found I deserved so much more. I found that it wasn’t that I was lonely, it was that was the path I was on. If it wasn’t him it would have the next guy who was an alcoholic.
I found I don’t need to be needed. I found that love doesn’t have to look like that. I found that my value is not in fixing someone else but in who I am and who I am to God. I found that had I not been there, I wouldn’t be here. I would take my worst day now over my best day there.
And being here, I am finally living into who I was always meant to be. I have a relationship with Jesus Christ. I serve in ways that use my God given gifts and talents. I walk along side others with healthy boundaries. I ‘do life’ with an awesome support system. And I am grateful.
If you have followed my blog for a while you would know that I attend Celebrate Recovery (CR) and have for four years now.
Along with the 12 steps and the biblical comparisons, CR also has 8 principles. These principles are based on the beatitudes. While all the steps and the principles are amazing on their own and how they work together, principle 2 sticks with me.
Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him and that He has the power to help me recover. (Step 2) “Happy are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4
The first part is easy for me. Earnestly believe that God exists. I know that God exists and that He is working in my life every day. I trust His plan for my life and know that all things work together for my greater good.
The next part is my favorite part of this principle, that I matter to Him. There have been many times in my life that I didn’t feel like I mattered. That I was not heard. That I wasn’t enough. That my opinion didn’t matter.
That I matter to God….is a little overwhelming to even think. That God sent His son to die for my sins. That God works all things for my greater good. That God wants a relationship with me. That God has prepared a place for me. That I matter to Him. God has never turned away from me, I was the one who turned away. He was right there all along. Waiting for me to turn back. He met me where I was because He was there waiting for me because I matter to Him.
The last part of this principleis and that He has the power to help me recover. In principles 1, 2 and 3 and steps 1, 2 and 3, is all about I can’t, He can and I need to let Him.
I am powerless. I have control over very little. Really I only have control over my own actions and reactions. There have been times that I didn’t make good decisions. Not based on my greater good.
God has the power to help me recover and I need to let Him.
That I matter to Him. He hears me. He knows I am enough. My opinion matters to Him.
I think I’ve stumbled on my new normal. Lots going on and some changes too but I’m finding that I’m using tools I’ve learned and been applying to my life.
My day starts and ends in prayer. Been doing that faithfully since the start of the year. Every morning I call a friend and we pray together. I’ve never done that before. It’s pretty cool. It’s a wonderful way to start the day.
I’ve ended the day in prayer off and on for a while but now doing this constantly. Gratitude for the day and whatever specifically happened that day and doing a daily inventory occupy that time.
My new normal is full of tools that I’ve been developing for the last 4 years. They are starting to be a natural response and easier to tell someone what I need or to set a boundary.
I have an awesome support system in place. I turn to them when I need to process or support. Just to check in or just to say hello.
I am choosing to let go of a few things in my life that keep me busy and while it fills my tank there are parts that I don’t enjoy and it drains me. I did a lesson at CR a week or so ago on powerlessness. In the lesson, it says when our pain is greater than our fear, that we when we make a change. And while there is not pain in this situation, it takes my energy. So as I figured out that the drain on my life was at a faster rate then what it filled. It was time to make a change.
This is already making room for me to say yes to other things that fill me up. And be around more people with similar interests and that want to do stuff together.
I’m just going to enjoy this new normal and see what God has planned for me in this next chapter.
I recently did a questionnaire that puts in order 24 character strengths. I went into the questionnaire not knowing the names of the strengths.
I was not surprised by my top 5. They are: gratitude, appreciation of beauty and excellence, kindness and generosity, capacity to love and be loved and spiritually, sense of purpose and faith.
We often think and talk about our character defects and not character strengths. So doing this work gives me some great incite into who I am and how I am showing up in the world. The other cool thing is the other strengths can be worked on and improved and moved up the list.
Something I can only contribute to recovery, is having an attitude of gratitude. There have been times in my life that I have felt unworthy. Ungrateful. And not seeing the gifts there are from trials, hard days and even conflict. Over the last couple of years, I have developed a very strong sense of gratitude. So I was not surprised that this is my top strength.
According to The Positivity Project gratitude’s parent virtue is transcendence and this strength allow people to rise above their troubles and find meaning in the larger universe. Gratitude is sometimes resisted due to not wanting to experience a sense of indebtedness. However, gratitude is less about feeling indebted and more about being aware of the consideration, kindness and generosity of others.
I am approaching my 4 year of working a recovery program, Celebrate Recovery (CR) I’m giving my testimony at two different CR’s in the next few weeks. Tonight I am reflective of who I was walking in the doors of CR for the first time and who I am today AND JUST HOW FAR I HAVE COME.
And I find myself just so grateful.
Grateful for where I was. Grateful for those who came along side me. I am grateful for those who stuck with me and for those who walked away. I am grateful for the work I’ve done to find myself. I am grateful for friendships that are not like any other I have ever had. I am grateful for making my recovery a priority for the last 4 years.
I am grateful that I can admit that I am powerless. I do not have it all together. I do not have to try and control all of it. I am not responsible for all of it. I am not that powerful and it’s not my job.
I am grateful that my higher power loves me. That I matter to Him and that He wants to have a relationship with me. That He works all things together for my greater good.
I am grateful that I make the decision everyday to turn my life and my will over to the care of God.
I am grateful for fearless inventories. And identify my part and see character defects because I will grow from this information.
I am grateful for being able to admit to God, to myself and to someone I trust, my wrong doings.
I am grateful that I am a work in progress and am ready to have God remove my defects of character.
I am grateful that I can humbly ask Him to remove my shortcomings.
I am grateful for identifying those that I have harmed and become willing to make amends with them.
I am grateful for making direct amends when ever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.
I am grateful for continuing to take personal inventory and promptly admit when I am wrong.
I am grateful for prayer and meditation. Praying for knowledge of His will for my life and the power to carry that out.
And I am grateful for getting to carry this message to others and practicing these principles in all of my affairs.
I am grateful for the 12 steps and learning how to apply them to me and my pain and hurts.
I’m not a big believer in New Years resolutions mainly because I have not been successful in past years. At first it’s motivating but it soon fades.
But I am a believer in words and how powerful they are for me. So rather than say, I’m going to join a gym and workout everyday, I’d rather say my focus is on self care this year and see how that plays out. Maybe that’s an easy way out but it works for me.
In 2015I wrote ‘living life with drive and purpose, faith and integrity, grace and joy, consistency and always with kindness.’Those words are how I would describe my Dad. This was a hard year and I’m not sure how successful I was in all those words that year but then I got to start over with a new book with 365 blank pages.
So for2016I simply said ‘Trust His Plan’ and didn’t I ever.
I used words from my High School crest for2017, ‘Grow in grace and wisdom’ There was a lot of steady growth that year. Lots of understanding and healing.
For2018I wrote simply ‘I Love’.Which covered rediscovering and enjoying things I love and being open to finding new things to love.
My words for 2019were
This was about doing even more of what I love. Being around people I love. And stepping into new things coming my way with confidence.
I just looked through the photos on my phone for 2019 and I did a pretty good job with different, better and more.
So I’ve been thinking a lot about my words for 2020.
I kept getting messages about ‘light’. So I looked up in the Bible verses about light then more specifically people being light or people shining their light.
Here are 2 of my favorites: ￼
Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven. Matthew 5:15-16
No one lights a lamp and hides it in a clay jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, they put it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light. Luke 8:16
So that is exactly what I am going to do. I will continue to:
living life with drive and purpose, faith and integrity, grace and joy, consistency and always with kindness.
And I will always remember to Trust God’s Plan.
I will grow in grace and wisdom.
I will love.
I will keep searching for different, better and more.
But this new year, in fact new decade. These new roaring 20’s I will focus on:
Letting my light shine
Shining my light for someone else’s darkness.
And surrounding myself with like-minded HOPEDEALERS!
Cheers to 2020!
My journey to serenity continues.
Stay on this journey with me, the best is yet to be.
I created the graphics used in this post by using Font Candy.
If nothing changes, nothing changes. BUT if something changes and you stick with it….EVERYTHING changes!
I know first hand how that works. In many parts of my life.
If I continued to relate to someone with codependency, that relationship will stay dysfunctional.
If I continued to not have boundaries with someone, I will continue to be run over and feel unheard.
If I continued to be in denial about my health, I would continue to on the path to put myself of a health risk.
I recently read ….Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change. By Tony Robbins. It’s so true.
Change can be scary. What’sgoing to happen to me when I get healthy….less dependent….more assertive….speak the truth in love…..forgive them…..take off my mask….forgive myself…..will people like me….will I even like me?
Well let me say when I stepped out ofdenial with my health because my pain of staying the same was greater than my pain of change. And I made real changes. And stuck to them for the last 5 months, EVERYTHING had changed. I have now lost 47 pounds. My blood sugar and pressure are back in normal ranges. I have more energy. I am no longer in physical pain daily. I am happier. I am more confident.
As far as if others will like me…..I don’t care. It no longer matters to me if others like me or not. I don’t need to know. It’s actually none of my business. The right people will not only like me, they will love me.
And to answer the do I like me question….I love who I am becoming. I finally feel like I am becoming who I was always meant to be. I love serving others in a ministry that walks along side others who are in pain from life. And they have reached that tipping point of staying the same is more painful than pain of change.
Together we work the 12 steps. They are designed to take actions to achieve the goals of recovery – reconciliation with God, with yourself, with others and then serving and giving back….that’s how it works.
And then together we learn the Celebrate Recovery principals to develop new attitudes – attitudes of humility, vulnerability, honesty and gratitude….that’s why it works.
I love being perfectly imperfect. I make mistakes. And then I can correct them. It’s not a success only Journey. And when I fail, I can get back up. Failing just means I’m trying and not standing still.
If nothing changes, nothing changes but if something changes and you stick with it, everything changes!
My journey to serenity continues…
Ps parts of this post is inspired by a Celebrate Recovery lesson. You will find the most amazing people there. To find a meeting near you, go the Celebrate Recovery website.
I always loved the stop motion animation of Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer. I could relate to the misfit toys.
Poor Rudolph was different with his red nose and tried to hide it. And Hermey the Elf who just wanted to be a dentist because he was passionate about that over making toys. Off they go because they didn’t fit in. They couldn’t just be themselves. And trying to be something else just didn’t work our either.
And then they run into other misfits. Which I want to pause the story for a moment and define misfit. According to the Oxford dictionary, misfit is a noun meaning a person whose behavior or attitude sets them apart from others in an uncomfortable conspicuous way. Synonyms include outsider, weirdo, oddball and exception.
Ok now that we know who misfits are let’s go back to the story.
Charlie tells them that the lion collects unloved toys and brings them to the island.
Here are a few of the Misfit Toys:
King Moonracer – the winged lion
Charlie in the box
Train with square wheels
Water gun that shoots jelly
A bird that swims
A cowboy that rides an ostrich
Boat that can’t stay afloat
A plane that can’t fly
A doll named Sue
So these toys may be different, they may not be who others think they should be, they may think differently or even work differently. Maybe they don’t fit in to the norms.
This got me thinking about recovery and recovery groups. It’s made up of a bunch of people who maybe didn’t fit in. Maybe didn’t live up to what or who others thought they should. Maybe they think differently. Maybe felt unloveable.
You know who I have found in my 12 step group? These misfits? Outsiders? Weirdos? Oddballs? And the exceptions? They are strong and brave and caring and loving and are great listeners and are thoughtful and hardworking and are honest and are humble and non judgmental and are grateful and kind and offer hope. They are inclusive. And they are exceptional.
These misfits that others might have overlooked and dismissed and sometimes even written off. These misfits are my friends and they would stand in line to protect me. They would stop what they are doing and fold my hands and pray with me. They make time to listen and study together.
That misfit attitude that set them apart is an attitude of gratitude. The attitude that all things are working together for my greater good. That attitude of knowing that God does not waste pain. Misfit behavior that we welcome the new comer and walk along side.
So as far as I am concerned, misfits are amazing and they are all welcome here!
The serenity prayer has hit my heart again tonight but this time it’s……Taking as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have.
This sentence hits home all the time for me. Reminding me that I am not in control and I cannot control what others do/say/feel/respond. It reminds me that even Jesus couldn’t control this sinful world.
I had a conversation with one of my sons tonight about how his feeling were hurt. I reminded him that he is allowed to feel hurt. Then we talked about the situation from the other persons point of view and maybe they thought they were doing the right thing too and didn’t realize how he would feel.
I have many examples of this but I’ll illustrate this with this example…. Several years ago, I was invited to dinner with a small group. My brother and his wife would have typically been invited as well but this time they were not. My sister in law was very sick and in a wheelchair. It seemed better to not invite them given the circumstances.
My brother was hurt when he saw the pics posted on social media. From my point of view it seemed like it would be very difficult for them to come and from his point of view, he wanted the choice of saying it was too difficult.
You see there was a lot of things that my brother couldn’t control at the time and by me not giving him the choice to say yes or no, it hurt him.
I learned a valuable lesson from this experience.
I learned about not making decisions for others based on how I wanted something to go or how I would have it. Not that I didn’t want him there, that’s not it at all. I thought it was easier to not invited them because it was easier on them to not have to say no.
But in a world of not being in control, choices are really important. And taking someone’s choice away, well it’s just not right.
I’ve been a lot of thinking about this lately. Looking at things from the other persons point of view. It’s a really good perspective. Helps keep me grounded. That sometime someone’s insensitivity isn’t done intentionally but rather done from a place of caring or not realizing the impact it would have on us.
Taking as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have.
Accepting things as what it is, not as I would have it.
And then the serenity prayer goes on to say…TRUSTING that YOU will make all things right if I surrender to YOUR will.
I love the Serenity Prayer. So much wisdom and simple truth. I’ve written about this powerful prayer before but I wanted to focus on one part…courage to change the things I can.
Change takes courage. We sometimes get stuck in the familiar. While something is not ideal, it’s comfortable in some ways. Sometimes it’s the ‘devil that we know’. We don’t change because of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the what if’s. Fear of uncertainty. Fear to fail. Fear to succeed. Fear of judgement. Fear of disappointing others. The list goes on and on.
Fear is healthy. Its purpose is to give you pause. It’s a gut check. Is this safe to move forward? But when fear keeps you stuck, it becomes unhealthy.
Change takes courage.
There has been many times in my life I have been afraid to make to change. Stuck in places of my life that I was not happy about. But I have made changes and it’s better than I can imagine. And there’s even been a some times that the change wasn’t great and became a stepping stone to the next change. I guess it’s not always a one step process. I guess most things actually aren’t a one step process. After all life is not a success only Journey.
So there’s something not working in my life that I can change and now I have a choice to make. I need to make a change.
Courage to change the things I can.
Decisions on making a change does not have to be done alone.
Pray, ask for wisdom, courage and God’s will
Seek wise counsel
Talk to a professional
Ask for support from healthy and trusted friends and family
I am not alone even when there are times I feel like I am. I’m working on those 4 bullet points. Trying to find the courage to change the things I can.
I’m working ongiving a Celebrate Recovery lesson next week on Step 10.
I really enjoypreparing for lessons. I add myself to it with my life examples. I read things outsidethe prepared lesson for inspiration or deeper understandingor connection to the lesson. I get a lot out of
doing this for my own recovery process.
I had a trainer who always said at the start of a class, ‘You get what you give’. That always stuck with me. So the more I give to this process, the more I get. And then the moreI can give away to others.
I really like the Step 10 Prayer from AA Big Book. page 84-85
God remove the Selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear that has cropped up in my life right now. Help me to discuss this with someone immediately and make amends quickly if I have harmed anyone. Help me to cease fight anything and anyone. Show me where I may be helpful to someone else. Help me react sanely; not cocky or afraid. How can I best serve You – Your will, not mine
Truth is, I really like the AA Big Book step prayers in general.
I added this section to the lesson.
Do you track things you do daily? Like workouts or track food, track tasks or track taking medication, track recovery time or even likely the most common, track your weight?
Why do we do this?
Here are a few reasons that I came up with on why we track these things:
• If we don’t track, we will forget
• Find your baseline
• Reminds us how far we have come
• See improvements
• The psychological factor – creating a new habit
• Own your goals
• Celebrate Milestones
• Use the data to identify problems
• Keeps you accountable
• Tracking can push you to do more
• Keeping track, keeps you on track
One way to keep track of your good and bad behavior is to journal. A journal is a tool for you to review and write down the good and the bad things you did today.
I created a journaling page, that works for me becauseI never could find the right one. Some people prefer blank journals but that is too open for me, I need more structure. Somepeople like journals that ask questions and others may even rather use an app. There’s an app for that for sure! This tool has been a great help to my program no matter what type of journaling format used.
I have discovered behavior patterns that not otherwise been so obvious. Issues that I keep writing down again and again are something that needs to be addressed. Maybe with my sponsor or a counselor if needed. Then I am able to set up an action plan, with God’s help, to overcome them.
Here are screen shots of my Daily Inventory sheets. Take what you need and leave the rest! (The lines are wonky in these pics but you gettheidea!)
If you are not journaling as a part of your journey, give it a go and tell me how it works for you.
Witnessing someone self-destruct is one of the worst things in life.
My Facebook status 9.29.2016
A year ago today I posted about how awful it is to see someone self destruct and be completely helpless. I’m sure it was equally hard for my friends to see me during that time.
So glad I’m in this place now and not there anymore.
But I can also say that I am grateful for that awful time because I wouldn’t be here and I wouldn’t have some AMAZING people in my life. No need to name names, if you read this….you are one of them.
Being on the other side of this situation, I’d like to share my thoughts today 9.28.19.
4 years ago, I was a mess. A hot broken mess. The man I ‘loved’ was completely out of control and deep in his alcohol addiction. You know the term functional alcoholic well this was the total opposite. He was not able to function at all. Drinking from the second he woke up until he passed again. All day and night. For MONTHS. And I was putting myself smack in the middle of his chaos and making it my own. I was drowning in his addiction.
Here’s the ugly truth about that day….he was living in an abandoned house blocks from my house with 3 than, 2 than 1 one other homeless alcoholics. No power. No water. Buckets and pots and tubs in the backyard, collecting rain water to flush the toilet. Roaches and other bugs everywhere. I never bought him alcohol, not once but I enabled him in so many other ways. This was just another day.
He called me and sent me text messages all hours of the day and night. Starting out with I love you, please don’t leave me. I’m going to stop today. And as the day went on, it ended with leave me alone, fuck you. Rinse and Repeat. Day after day after day. Pulling me in, pushing me away. This dance. This terrible harmful dance.
I could not do this anymore. I’m about to hit my bottom. I was slowly going ghost. Slowly trying to disengage. But still wanting to be there. And as I was pulling away, the situation was escalating. I was terrified. Terrified of him. Terrified on being alone. Terrified that this would be the time he got sober and I walked away. I was watching him self destruct and I was powerless. I was failing. Failing him. Failing myself. This is snap shot of a day in the life of codependent loving an out of control alcoholic. And this was my crazy thought process.
Fast Forward 1 year later…9.29.2016
After a little more to this dysfunction central ‘relationship’ which included a protective order, it being violated, court and jail time (for him). Silence. Then I was lonely and missed the good things and I reached out when I shouldn’t have. The dance was restarting. And then I walked into a Celebrate Recovery meeting and everything changed for my greater good.
I then found a Christ Centered recovery group. Got a sponsor. Faithfully going to meetings. Working the steps. Healing had started. Connections were made as how I became codependent. It was a way of coping. Not coping well or in a healthy way but coping all the same. Things were making sense as my head cleared.
I already had figured out that had I not been that mess I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to heal so many things. And likely I would have looked for the next guy to fix. The next dysfunction.
Had I not been there I wouldn’t be here. And here had just begun.
Fast forward 3 more years…today 9.29.2019
It’s now 4 years later since that time of total chaos. I think back and do not recognize who I was and wonder how I thought it was ok to put myself in that position. I drive by that house everyday and most days I don’t think much about it but every now and then I remember those days with much sadness. If I could only go back and take myself by the hand and say trust me. But I wouldn’t have listened.
Today I am an active member of Celebrate Recovery. I am part of the leadership team. I am available to listen to others and their story, their journey. I still have a sponsor. And I am a sponsor. I am in a step study, my second one. I am surrounded by amazing people who are my biggest cheer leaders. I continue to learn how to have healthy relationships. I now understand that boundaries not only keep me safe but keep unsafe people out of my day to day to life.
I am so grateful for the chaos of 2015. My life is much more complete. The fact that I now have a relationship with Jesus Christ. That I lean on God’s word. That I trust His plan. That I ask for wisdom and strength. And that I am doing life with others in recovery has been the greatest gift to come from this time.