My Truth

Stability…

At work today I was listening to YouTube (as usual) and a TD Jakes clip played…

You didn’t get to pick what shaped your world. But you do get to pick what stabilizes it’

This to me is so timely and powerful. I have been looking for stability in my life for a long time. I’ve felt like I was white knuckling life got the last 20 plus years. All day. Everyday. Trying to control everything.

And what brought me the stability that I’ve been looking for? A little 12 Step Christ centered program called Celebrate Recovery.

I’ve found a new stride. My new normal. It’s a pretty happy place. Not without challenges. Not without struggles. Not without upset. That’s just called life. And because of that I’ve learned 12 stepping, living the 12 steps daily and by God’s Grace, I can cope in a new way.

Finding stability when life is always changing. Finding stability when the unexpected happens. Finding stability in an uncertain world.

No longer do I need to live in secret, silence or shame. No longer do I worry about what someone may think of my situation or of me. As a mother, sister or friend.

This stability that I thought was so far out of reach, wasn’t. And as I continue to let go of control and trust God and His plan for

my life, the more stable I have become.

And the more stable I become, the more I need to be stable.

Stay on this ride with me, the best is yet to be.

My journey continues…

Ps I painted the pic used in this post.

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My Truth

New off shoot blog…

Incase you were wondering…

I’m still working my program. And I have found my new normal for sure. Things are good. Hanging out and living in Steps 10, 11 and 12 is really nice but I am also keeping myself grounded by doing a second step study.

This is exactly were I should be. God has been preparing me all year to be exactly where I am.

Which brings up God’s timing. God’s timing is always perfect.

Never early.

Never late.

My recovery journey has grown an off shoot and I started a second blog to process and share about this part of my journey.

I will still be writing here. Recovery stuff is in my blood. It’s who I am now. It’s like I was bitten by a radioactive spider and it’s changed me from the inside out.

So if you are want, come check out my new blog and follow me there too. Smart (sugar free) Cookie

Stay on this ride with me, the best is yet to be.

My Journey Continues…

PS I am so grateful for everyone who reads, stumbles on, follows, likes and comments on my posts. Blogging helps me and I hope maybe it helps you too.

My Truth

🌻🌻🌻 Sunflowers and Me πŸŒ»πŸŒ»πŸŒ»

If you have followed me for a while you would know that things stir up in me in themes while I work on or process things.

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about sunflowers 🌻. Sunflowers are my favorite flower which is funny to me because I don’t like the color yellow.

The last few days I’ve done some reading about sunflowers 🌻 and I wanted to share some amazing things that I learned and these flowers and myself.

People associate sunflowers 🌻 with positivity, joy, strength, warmth, power and happiness.

This reminded me of something I read many years ago….’a flower doesn’t think of the flower next to it. It just blooms.’

It has been said that a sunflower 🌻 is a symbol of God’s love. It’s a symbol can also represent the unwavering faith that guides the soul. It’s bright and bountiful that tracks the sun β˜€οΈ and seeks the light. This special flower 🌻blooms in the heat of the summer and endorses.

In Greek mythology Clytie turns into a sunflower 🌻 after grieving the loss of her love, Apollo. Clytie is always facing the sun β˜€οΈ, looking for Apollo’s Chariot to return.

Here are some other words that sunflowers 🌻 stir up.

🌻 Faith

🌻 Worship

🌻 Life

🌻 Growth

🌻 Serenity

🌻 Light

🌻 Focus

🌻 Grace

🌻 Joy

🌻 Optimism

🌻 Warmth

🌻 Gratitude

🌻 Hope

🌻 Driven

🌻 Loyalty

🌻 Peace

🌻 Love

🌻 Wisdom

In many ways, for a long time I have not bloomed. I was taking care of others and didn’t have the time or ran out of energy. Sometimes I’ve been comparing myself to others and while they bloomed, I didn’t feel worthy.

As I continue on this journey to serenity, I’m starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel that a lot of words are who I am and I just need to keep my head up and keep seeking God’s will for my life.

My journey continues…

Ps I painted the pics used in this post

My Truth

What my phone says about me…

I listen to music a lot of the day. I love to hit random and see what happens. I’ve often thought about if someone listened to my play list, what would they think of me? Bouncing from 80’s punk to current Christian worship to show tunes to cover bands to everything between. Well everything between for me.

For whatever reason, I was looking at my pictures today. I started the day with over 4000 pictures beginning 3 years ago.

My very first pic is….

I love Friday the 13th because I was born on Friday the 13th

In May of 2016, I was just a few months into my recovery journey and learning about codependency. So there are lots of inspiring quotes and all of my early blog meme’s.

There are lots of family pics and present opening and dinner out during months with birthdays.

I have lots of nature pics, like of the squirrels who were running around the tree while I wrote out my step 4. Or a rain drop on a leaf. Pics of sunsets and clouds. Pics of flowers and butterflies too.

Pics of tree lines with the sun peeking from behind. Pics of the dog(s).

Screen shots of Bible quotes. Screen shots of painting inspiration and Tattoo inspiration.

Pics from events like a wedding and a graduation. Many scout camp outs. Lots of snap chat selfies.

And more recovery words of wisdom. Man some of these are gems!

I found I have pics of 6 people who have passed.

And I have pics of fun days like painting with friends and axe throwing with my work peeps. Pics with friends at concerts and out to dinner and CR training days too.

Pics of things I’ve used when giving a CR lesson.

Maybe I need to do this more often. Cause I don’t know what you may be thinking about me but this is what I learned about myself.

What my phone says about me…

  • You will find who I love
  • You will find what inspires me
  • You will find where I spend my time
  • You will find that I have a lot in common with my brother who passed 8 weeks ago when it comes to taking pics of nature. He just had a better camera =]
  • You will find that I love all things Recovery and CR
  • You will find I totally have a thing for hearts in clouds, rocks or leaves
  • You will find I also totally have a thing for owls and steam punk
  • And you will find, I have an eclectic selection of music

Now I have less than 4000 pics. I deleted some duplicates. And I deleted some things that seemed important at the time but are less important now

It’s been a hard 8 weeks since my brother died. Lots of ups and downs. Weeks ago I spent a couple of days looking at my brothers pic on social media and I’m glad I spent that time ‘with him’.

And I’m glad a spent some time with myself to discover/rediscover those things about myself.

My journey continues…

My Truth

One Moment At A Time…

Learning how to live one moment at a time Because sometimes one day at a time is too much.

The afternoon of April 6th while I was out with a group of friends, I got a phone call from my brother. I knew just from how he said hello, that something was wrong. He told me our other brother had a heart attack. He was in the hospital 2 hours away and to hang tight for more information.

In that moment, the world kept spinning around me but I was standing still. My mind was racing with who needed to be where and when, what was on my desk at work, how long it would take to drive there, how much money did I have if I needed a hotel, who’s with him, who needed to be where and when, how long will it take to get there, who’s with him, over and over and over.

The very familiar feeling of being completely out of control and numb. Feeling everything but it’s easier to feel nothing. Numb it out because this hurts far too much to think that my brother was so sick.

But I’ve worked so hard on not numbing out feelings. That new skills bubbled up….like naming feelings is better. Feeling them is hard but better. I was afraid and worried. And while I had control over nothing. So I had to do the only thing that I could do….trust God.

I started immediately understanding what living one moment at a time felt like and how I fragile life is.

I was asked to hang tight and wait for more information. I stayed with my friends rather than going home and crying by myself. I was there physically but my heart and head were not.

Sunday, my cousin drove us down to the hospital. Two of my brothers were in the visitors room and one had just left. As soon as I saw them, I started crying. It all felt like too much but I took a deep breath and we went in to see him.

Central lines, IV’s, tubes, wires, bags of meds hung and machines making rhythmic noises. All so overwhelming. So much to overcome.

In control of nothing.

Accepting one moment at a time.

Thy will be done.

I spent the next two days with him. Lots of ups and downs. We had a group text going to share updates. I felt like every time I sent an update, things changed.

Every time the machines rhythms changed, I looked to see. I’d rub my hand across his forehead and tell him how well they were taking care of him. I’d say his name and he would open his eyes.

Living one moment at a time.

Accepting one moment at a time.

Being part of every moment at a time

In control of nothing.

Just being there. Doing life together.

I went back home and my brothers rotated in and out over the next few days. There was very little time that he was alone.

Thursday was hard. Feeling like he was back sliding. Should I go back down. Should I wait. I decided to wait till morning and then decide.

Very early Friday morning April 12th, my sweet brother passed away. Grateful my brother was with him. No regrets I was not. The time we spent Sunday – Tuesday was special.

I learned to live one moment at a time.

I learned that even when not in control, I could still be there.

I learned just how fragile life is.

I learned that doing life together sometimes means doing death together too. And I am forever grateful the time we had together in his final days.

I love you kiddo. Until we meet again.

Photo Credit: my brother who passed. His caption for this photo on Facebook was ‘before my bubble burst’

More soon about him and the legacy he left his kid sister.

My Truth

Worry Does Not Change Outcome…

I took this picture outside my office window after a late afternoon storm. I love how the light changes from one area to another. Some darker than others and some with such bright light as sun peeks out from behind the clouds.

Rainbows represent God’s promise. His promise to be with us when we are afraid during a storm and that storms end.

I seem to have been overcome by worry here lately. Which reminded me that I struggle with codependency and that codependency is about control.

Trying to:

  • Control a situation.
  • Control what others know and think about a situation.
  • Control the outcome of a situation.
  • Control my pain.
  • Control others pain.
  • Control being out of control.
  • Control of owning all of situation, when it’s not all mine.
  • Control wanting to make amends when I’m I don’t even know what I’m sorry for doing or not doing.

It wasn’t until yesterday when a friend was facing a health crisis, that I said things to her that I needed to hear for myself.

I sent to her, remember:

  • God is in control.
  • God goes before and with you.
  • God knows the outcome.
  • Breathe.
  • You are so loved.
  • Worry does not change outcome.

Isaiah 41:10 Don’t be afraid, for I am with you! Don’t be frightened, for I am your God. I strengthen you – yes, I help you – yes I uphold you with my saving right hand.

So here I am at 2 am, ready to lift this situation I have found myself in with someone I love very much. God is in control, God is making a way, Thy will not my will, I just need to breathe and remember that I am loved even with this current struggle. And worry does not change outcome…..if I’m worried about or not, what’s going to happen is going to happen without my intervention.

I’ll have to look up the verse but someplace in the Bible it says….in my weakness, He is strong.

After all, am I really that powerful…..no no I’m not but He is.

My journey continues…

My Truth

It’s a season, not a sentence…

It’s been far too long since I have written. I have started many posts since my last one but are all unfinished thoughts. Not coming together easily. Which is how writing works for me.

I think I’ve posted about seasons before but I didn’t even go back and look. I write what’s put on my heart. Most often it’s what I need to hear in this moment. And the words just flow out of me. Sometimes so fast that I can’t type fast enough or catch that auto correct changed put to out (that one happens all the time)

So I love to refer to time periods as seasons. I’m in a season of waiting. Or I’m in a season of growth. Or I’m in a season of asking questions.

I love to refer to these times as seasons because it reminds me that these times are not permanent. They change. They bloom. And then they transform into something else. They are still. And then experience new growth. And they even are wonderful and warm and those seasons change too. But again not forever.

I have been in a season, maybe several the last few months. A season of contentment but still wanting more. A season of stillness but still wanting more. A season of what i thought was understanding and great communication but knowing something was wrong. A season of learning to ask for help and learning to accept it.

And now a season of exclusion and not understanding but trusting anyway. This is an opportunity to step back and let someone else work out their pain and hurts without my interference or influence.

And even with how hard this is and how much my heart is hurting,

I MUST remember this it’s a season, not a sentence.

I MUST remember that God is in control.

I MUST remember that while hurt people hurt people, healing people heal people. But it’s only when that hurting person seeks healing.

I MUST remember that what someone thinks or says about me, doesn’t make it true.

I MUST remember that recovery is about progress not perfection.

I MUST remember that 2 people can be in the same experience but see and feel things so differently.

I MUST remember to give grace when I love someone but disagree with them too.

My very first Bible study, 10 years ago now, was The Prodigal God. A 12 week study on the Prodigal Son. My brother teased me that it took 12 weeks to look at 21 Bible verses! But it was a deep dive on looking at everyone in the story. How was the Dad feeling? What was the other brother thinking when his brother returned. Anyway it was a cool study on relationships and feelings.

So I’ve been reflecting on how the Dad must of felt. Giving his son his inheritance and letting him leave. Not understanding or wanting this for his son. Not knowing where he was or what he was doing. Being concerned for his other son’s feelings. Did he watch every day for his son to return.

His must have known that it was for a season and not a sentence. And that seasons change.

My journey continues….