Tag Archives: forgiveness

I Love You Like No Other

When I started to date my ex boyfriend, he started love bombing the second we reconnected. 

We went to high school together. Knew each other but were not really friends back then. Fairly small graduating class, everyone knew everyone.

He was watching me and I didn’t realize it. He was grooming me from the start. Commenting now and then, sending messages. Learning about my likes and dislikes. 

Telling me ALL the things I so desperately needed to hear. He like the things I liked. He did things that he knew was important to me. He added to my life by helping around the house and yard. Also added new things to my life like healthier eating, working out and meditation. 

I felt loved, and cared about and that I had a true partner. But I was fooled. He would tell me that he loved me like no other. And all this love bombing clouded my judgement. I was surrounded by this fog that I couldn’t see but the fog, I ran past stop signs and warning signs. But I was living the best I could at THAT time. 

When he said I love you like no other, was he really saying that he was so desperate and he needed me to stay because no one would love him? Maybe. Did he really even love me? Probably not. 

Takers love a giver. And he was a taker. It was the perfect storm for codependency.  

I forgive myself for who I WAS at that time. I was doing the best I knew to do. 

Being in THAT place, was the best thing that ever happened to me. Had I not been here, I wouldn’t be here in THIS place. 

I could be resentful but who does that benefit? How would serve me in my life today, it wouldn’t. My ex boyfriend was also broken and coping with life the only way he knew how. 

Today I have a RELATIONSHIP with Jesus Christ. I have always believed in Jesus. I grew up going to Church but was going through the motions. TODAY, I seek God out. I read and meditate on His word. Today I TRUST His plan for me. Today I RELY on Him for strength and understanding. 

Today I have meaningful deep relationships with others in recovery. 

Today I can look back and be grateful for the lessons learned and for that time in my life with how painful is was, because of the changes that have happened since. 

It is only by the grace of God that I found the Celebrate Recovery program, I found a sponsor, i am working the program and I can say this and mean it to my core. 

My journey to serenity continues…

That’s not mine….return to sender

I have not written about it in a while but my kids are not talking to their dad. 

It’s a sad situation all around but one I cannot control. It’s sad because everyone is hurting and when people hurt, I feel it deeply too. My heart aches that my boys are hurting and my heart aches that my ex-husband is hurting too. 

My boys see a counselor and continue to work out their feelings and how they want to handle this with their dad. Sorting out their feelings, understanding boundaries and working on life as teenagers and all that brings with it. 

My ex and I have had a decent co-parenting relationship since we divorced up until the boys each decided that they didn’t want to talk or see him anymore. 

On their own, they wrote him a letter. 

I understanding their hurts because I had the same ones. Over time I have gotten to the place that he is who he is. And I stopped having expectations that he is who I needed him to be and just accepted him for the person he is. 

Since being in my program, I have forgiven him for many things and now understand my part too.  

I can not fix the relationship between them. It’s not mine to fix. My ex knows how to push my old Codependent buttons but it doesn’t work anymore. And that frustrates him. 

He called me the other day and there was blaming and finger pointing in my direction. He is not yet in that place to see and own his part.  So he projected all of his anger about the situation at me. 

ITS NOT MINE, RETURN TO SENDER

Part of the serenity prayer comes to mind……and the wisdom to know the difference. I really do not want them to hurt, but this is not in my control. And is not for me to change. 

I encourage the boys to see the humanness of making mistakes. I encourage the boys to give a voice to how they feel and to create boundaries. And we talk about understanding and forgiveness. 

I pray for God will intervene in His timing to make this situation better for everyone. Only in the way He can. I could say more specific requests but it’s not what I want, it’s what each of them needs. Only God knows that and can begin to heal these relationships. So I am lifting this situation up to Him. 

My journey to serenity continues…

Your past is meant to guide you……not define you! 

Awesome Celebrate Recovery meeting tonight. One couple celebrated 24 years of recovery today and they shared their testimony. 

It was a beautiful story of love and recovery and how God works in our lives. 

The husband ended their testimony with that events of the past do not define us. This got me thinking…

One part of my life that I am currently working hard on is the work life. 

If you are new to my story in 2015 I was in a relationship with a dry and then active alcoholic. My personal life was out of control and I let it effect my work life. I was demoted at work in July of that year and have been beating myself up ever since. 

I have let that demotion define me and have tried ever since to do whatever I needed to do to regain the trust from the management. Management has changed and I have had 4 positions since. They have moved me as there have been needs in different departments. 

I’m working a step 4 on my work life and working on forgiving myself. I’m working on seeing my value at work and understand that these things are taking me to the next place and it does not define me. 

My journey continues. 

This Girls Journey To Serenity 

PS I painted the picture used in this post. 

Open letter to little Mar

Dear Younger Me…AKA little Mar….

Oh Little Mar, I am so sorry for the things that happened to you. The things you were told were unkind and just not true. These things changed how you thought about yourself and how you thought everyone else thought about you. The things that happened were unspeakable and wrong in so many ways. But all not your fault. 

Hurt people hurt people and you were an easy target because you were younger and looked up to him.

We may never know why these things happened but they did. And not giving him a pass but he was also a kid, what happened to him that he thought this was ok? 

I see you like watching a movie, this little girl that just wants to fade into the background and be unnoticed. This little girl that is struggling to focus in school because of what is going on at home. Feeling shame and that she has done something wrong. And is to afraid to tell.

 It’s ok that that you didn’t tell. Really it is. No one is mad at you for not telling. 

Then as you hit your teens, it’s how you showed boys that you liked them. Got myself into situations that I couldn’t get out of. Young men took advantage of that for their own self. And again never told. it’s ok that you didn’t tell.  Keeping secrets was just part of life. 

But it’s not always going to be like that. Because of recovery, we are healing those broken little parts. I got you and we are going to be better than anyone ever imagined. God has a plan for our life. Our pain is not wasted. We are going to stand up and tell our story. And we are going to help someone else in the process. 

The thing you love to do as a kid, you still love to do today. Drawing and being creative. Take classes and learn something new. It fills you up and takes stress away and replaces it with pride of creating something. Accomplished.  Excited. Happy. And it came naturally. School was so hard. And this was something that I could be shown and then I could do it. 

No more secrets. Secrets keep you sick. We are just going to keep doing….Mar…..because she is pretty awesome in spite or maybe even because of it all. 

My journey to serenity continues…

You don’t heal a broken heart by pretending it’s not broken…

Penn & Teller did a show call Bullshit on Showtime from 2003-2010. I’ve always loved Penn & Teller. The show debunked a wide range of popular misconceptions. From talking to the dead to bottled water to pet love to the end of the world. Adult content for sure. Not for the easily offended.  And while I didn’t always agree with their point of view it was entertaining.

1.01 Season One Episode One was Talkng to the dead. My Dad had just passed away. John Edward was all over TV and I was curious. Knowing it was bullshit but curious. At the end of the episode Penn said ‘You don’t heal a broken heart by pretending it’s not broken’. Which I have never forgotten.

  

My heart is broken from my parents passing. I had lost both my parents by age 39. A blessing to have them so long a I did because know several people who lost their parents when they were teenagers. That fact doesn’t lesson my hurt but gives me perspective. 

My heart is broken from my ex-husband. He is who he is and was unsupportive and selfish. It breaks my heart every time he disappoints our children. Every time he changes plans at the last minute. Every time he says something mean spirited. Every time he says something unkind about me……he hurts our kids, my heart and his long term relationship with our kids. 

My heart is broken from my ex-boyfriend. He lied to me about who he was and what we were together. He told me everything that I wanted/needed to hear. He hurt me emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually and any other kind of ally word. 

My heart is broken from myself. I am mad at myself for allowing my life to get so out of control because of someone else’s addiction. 

I can’t heal my heart by pretending it’s not broken by these things. Talking/writing about these things puts them in the light. Puts them in perspective. Makes them small and not the giant pile of secret feelings in the closet. 

My journey to serenity continues…