Tag Archives: freedom

Dear Hurting Soul…

Dear Hurting Soul –

This letter is for you. You who love an addict (no matter what they are addicted to) and your life is out of control and you are wondering how this became your life. 

I see you. 
I know your pain. 
And I was you. 

Please know that you are not alone. 
Please know that you are not crazy. 
And please know life doesn’t have to be like this. 

You may be lying or hiding things from the addict or from your friends. You may feel overly responsible for the addicts actions or lack there of. You may be doing more than your share. You may be tired from this dance of fixing and taking care of the addict. You may be checking their phone to see what is going on. You may even be pissed off about broken promises. You may be hurting that you are not being heard. Or you may even be hurting that your addict is choosing their vise over you. You may feel all or some of these things. 

Can they change? Maybe. But right now, it’s not about them, it’s about you. I know, I get it, that feels really strange to have this about you. After all, you are not the addict. 

Hmmm or are you? The chaos that happens when the dance starts. The drama of it all. Feeling needed. 
When I went to my first meeting, I was shocked that we were supposed to talk about ourselves and not the addict. ‘I just want to fix him’, I remember thinking. What am I supposed to do to to help him? 

It’s not about them. It’s about you. 

You need support and your friends can’t help you with this. And to find a group to help you navigate this. And you need to find the right group for you! 

I went to one group for several weeks. I didn’t really click with them. That group, at that time of day happened to have a lot of parents of addicts. I couldn’t exactly relate to them and I didn’t feel like they were relating to me. But someone told me to go for 6 weeks and I would get to meet more people and get an idea of what that group was about. 

I’d recommend that if your schedule allows try different times for different groups. Don’t let one meeting make a decision for you. Meetings are made up with people and different nights or times can have completely different dynamics. 

I think I went for 5 or 6 weeks and felt it was not the right group for me. And I found the current group I’m with. And I love this group. 

If you are like me, you likely have looked up online where meeting are and the times. I did several times before I decided to go. 

Crossing those doors for the first time is scary. You don’t know anyone. You don’t know what to expect. You don’t know if you will be judged. 

You can do this because you are worth it. It’s time to stop the madness and choose you! Yep, now is the time.  Right here. Right now. Choose you! Choose peace. Choose to do something different and to stop the crazy dance. 

I know you are hurting and scared. I know you are because I was. 

But I promise, once you find the right group, you will find your people. And they will love on you and take your hand and say let’s do this together. 

You will find hope.
You will find people that understand 
And you will find an amazing healing journey to healing that soul of yours. 

Choose you! You are sooooooo worth it. 

Your journey starts now. 

My journey to serenity continues….

PS if you have gone to a few meetings and not sure what to do next, I’d recommend a post from last year that you may enjoy Just Start Rowing

Meeting you where you are….

One thing I love is that God meets us where we are. No need to perform before we start over. No check lists to check off. Doesn’t matter that it’s the 1st time or the 100th time we messed up, we have as many start overs that we need. And the one that matters is the last one. 

What does the Bible say about starting over…

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

See not only do I get to start over but I am also forgiven for the past mistakes. The old had passed and the new has come! 

What does the Bible say about the future…

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

My future is bright because of Gods grace and love. 

As I continue to heal and grow in recovery (it’s 18 months by the way) I love the direction my life is moving. I love the friendships that I have with others in recovery. 

I was thinking about how much this blog means to me and how I love to share about my recovery. And was also thinking about how I’ve been able to use my artwork in my posts. Art work that I made a year before my journey to recovery started. God knew that I would be in this place and be able to use both of these creative outlets. 

What’s next for me in my recovery? 

I’m finishing up a step study, we have a couple of weeks left. We are planning on staying together as a group and do another study together. I was also asked to co-lead the next women’s step study. I am now part of the leadership team for CR and I hope to start to do more for our group, like be able to teach now and then. I am working on a book about my experience in recovery! It’s an extension from my blog. I am in the process of writing it now. I started a local group of bloggers to support each other. We meet twice a month. It’s a fun group and we all blog different topics. 

God met me where I was and sent the right people to walk me out of the mess and chaos that was my life and now the more I trust His plan for me, the more amazing things are revealed to me. Because I’m ready now. I’m ready to share more with others about what God has done in my life! 

Stay on this journey with me….the best is yet to be. 

My journey to serenity continues…

Two sides of HOPE

Side one…..In the past I had…..

Hoped that he would change
Hoped that he would notice my pain
Hoped that he would keep his promises 
Hoped that he would stop drinking
Hoped he would choose me
Hoped that I would be heard this time 
Hoped that the family would be come first
Hoped that this time would be the time
Hoped that this time would be different
Hoped others didn’t notice
Hoped someone kinda would have noticed
Hoped I can fix it
Hoped I was doing the right thing…..knowing it was the wrong thing

                              Faith    HOPE      Love   Continue 

Side two……Now HOPE is different for me. 

I don’t hope in other people. Or even in myself. Don’t get me wrong, HOPE is all about positive feelings of expectation, trust and desire for a certain thing to happen. 

But today my HOPE is in God and trusting His plans for my life. From the many gifts He has given me not only to be my best self but to also live out the 12 steps and glorify Him in all of my affairs. 

My journey to serenity continues…

I designed this tattoo on my arm. Faith Hope Love and I choose to continue. 

What I’ve learned This Year

2016 has been just an amazing year of understanding, digging deep and letting go. 

The start of 2016,  I felt so broken. I felt lost and  alone. I felt that no one understood why I got myself into the mess that was 2015 and why I stayed so long. No one understood including me. I was afraid. Afraid of where I was, afraid of where I was going. I was frozen, afraid to look forward or back. 

I had stated to go to Al-Anon but was struggling to be completely be onboard with the program. I met with a women from my Church who shared her story at 2 events I attended and I knew she would help point me in the right direction. She told me to find a Celebrate Recovery and that program has a way of drilling down and they will help guide me on my journey. And I am so grateful that I listened. 

And now just days before the end of 2016….I feel like a completely different person. 

This is some things I’ve learned in 2016. 

I have learned to be STRONG, when all I wanted to do is cry. Crying is my default reaction when I feel overwhelmed. 

I have learned to be CALM, after my life was taken over chaos. 

I have learned to TALK about hard things. With my sponser, with my recovery family, with myself and with God.

I have learned to REST, when I need time to digest what I’m working on. It’s not a race. 

I have learned to BE POSITIVE when my mind is wanting to see only the negative. 

I have learned to SEE the joy that happens after a trial. 

I have learned to be HONEST with my sponsor, my recovery family, myself and with God. 

I have learned what HUMBLE means and what it feels like after I did my first teaching. 

I have learned to be GRATEFUL for all the things that I have and not focus on what I don’t have. 

I have learned to COPE with feelings. To allow myself to feel and move past those feelings. For so long I felt nothing.

I have learned to TRUST. Trust Gods plan for me and trust my recovery community with sharing my life with them. Trust myself to make healthy decisions.

I have learned to LISTEN because sometimes someone just wants to be heard and they don’t someone to fix something they just need someone to listen. 

I have learned to FORGIVE. And most of all forgive myself. After all God forgives me so who am I not to do the same. 

I have learned to have HOPE. Hope in recovey, hope in change. Hope for the future. 

I have learned to CELEBRATE small victories like boundries or reacting to a similar situation in a healthy way.

I have learned how to feel HAPPY again. 

I have learned how to FILL my own tank by doing things I love and I don’t have to rely on others to fill me up. 

I have learned about the FREEDOM that working the steps and the Celebrate Recovery program holds when you work it because I am worth it. 

What an amazing year of grace and love!!! 

My journey to serenity continues…

I painted to pic used in this post. 

What alcohol stole from me…and what it’s given me in exchange

Alcohol stole my mom from me because she died too soon because she learned that drinking as a way to cope with life. 

Alcohol stole time from my children and their dad because he chose to drink over spending time and energy with them. 

Alcohol stole a boyfriend from my life because he chose to drink over building a sober life with me. 

Alcohol stole a future of 2 people loving each other and sharing our recovery story to others. 

Alcohol stole a year of my life and replaced it with chaos, hurt and doubt. 

Alcohol lead me to find people in recovery and to celebrate with them. 

Alcohol lead me to understand my codependency. 

Alcohol freed me from being frozen in fear and trying to control things I couldn’t. 

Alcohol lead me to freedom. 

Dear Alcohol, your work is done in my life. I’ll take it from here. With God by my side, all things are possible. I am sharing my story. I will love again. 

My journey to serenity continues…

I painted the picture in this post and used Font Candy to add the text.