Tag Archives: Gods grace

Meeting you where you are….

One thing I love is that God meets us where we are. No need to perform before we start over. No check lists to check off. Doesn’t matter that it’s the 1st time or the 100th time we messed up, we have as many start overs that we need. And the one that matters is the last one. 

What does the Bible say about starting over…

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

See not only do I get to start over but I am also forgiven for the past mistakes. The old had passed and the new has come! 

What does the Bible say about the future…

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

My future is bright because of Gods grace and love. 

As I continue to heal and grow in recovery (it’s 18 months by the way) I love the direction my life is moving. I love the friendships that I have with others in recovery. 

I was thinking about how much this blog means to me and how I love to share about my recovery. And was also thinking about how I’ve been able to use my artwork in my posts. Art work that I made a year before my journey to recovery started. God knew that I would be in this place and be able to use both of these creative outlets. 

What’s next for me in my recovery? 

I’m finishing up a step study, we have a couple of weeks left. We are planning on staying together as a group and do another study together. I was also asked to co-lead the next women’s step study. I am now part of the leadership team for CR and I hope to start to do more for our group, like be able to teach now and then. I am working on a book about my experience in recovery! It’s an extension from my blog. I am in the process of writing it now. I started a local group of bloggers to support each other. We meet twice a month. It’s a fun group and we all blog different topics. 

God met me where I was and sent the right people to walk me out of the mess and chaos that was my life and now the more I trust His plan for me, the more amazing things are revealed to me. Because I’m ready now. I’m ready to share more with others about what God has done in my life! 

Stay on this journey with me….the best is yet to be. 

My journey to serenity continues…

I Love You Like No Other

When I started to date my ex boyfriend, he started love bombing the second we reconnected. 

We went to high school together. Knew each other but were not really friends back then. Fairly small graduating class, everyone knew everyone.

He was watching me and I didn’t realize it. He was grooming me from the start. Commenting now and then, sending messages. Learning about my likes and dislikes. 

Telling me ALL the things I so desperately needed to hear. He like the things I liked. He did things that he knew was important to me. He added to my life by helping around the house and yard. Also added new things to my life like healthier eating, working out and meditation. 

I felt loved, and cared about and that I had a true partner. But I was fooled. He would tell me that he loved me like no other. And all this love bombing clouded my judgement. I was surrounded by this fog that I couldn’t see but the fog, I ran past stop signs and warning signs. But I was living the best I could at THAT time. 

When he said I love you like no other, was he really saying that he was so desperate and he needed me to stay because no one would love him? Maybe. Did he really even love me? Probably not. 

Takers love a giver. And he was a taker. It was the perfect storm for codependency.  

I forgive myself for who I WAS at that time. I was doing the best I knew to do. 

Being in THAT place, was the best thing that ever happened to me. Had I not been here, I wouldn’t be here in THIS place. 

I could be resentful but who does that benefit? How would serve me in my life today, it wouldn’t. My ex boyfriend was also broken and coping with life the only way he knew how. 

Today I have a RELATIONSHIP with Jesus Christ. I have always believed in Jesus. I grew up going to Church but was going through the motions. TODAY, I seek God out. I read and meditate on His word. Today I TRUST His plan for me. Today I RELY on Him for strength and understanding. 

Today I have meaningful deep relationships with others in recovery. 

Today I can look back and be grateful for the lessons learned and for that time in my life with how painful is was, because of the changes that have happened since. 

It is only by the grace of God that I found the Celebrate Recovery program, I found a sponsor, i am working the program and I can say this and mean it to my core. 

My journey to serenity continues…

Pain not wasted…

I’ve moving along in my step 4 and last night I was feeling hurt by what happened last year with my relationship with XXXX. 

I starting writing and went from zero to 100 on feeling hurt by just writing his name down. 

I know I will feel so much better when I’m done but I wanted to pause and just sit with feeling this way for a moment. 

I am hurt in fact I was pretty pissed off about all that happened when I started writing last night. 

As I continue to write tonight, I realized that God does not waste our pain and I have learned so much about myself in this process. 

  

I know I was in that place for a reason. Decisions I made. Consequences for the decisions that I made. God was not surprised at my decisions. 

God nudged me along the way. I hid and lied to others the truth of what was going on. I hid and lied and justified to myself, what was really going on. But God was waiting for me, when I was ready. 

I kept thinking, maybe THIS was the time that it would work. But it wasn’t. No sooner did those thoughts enter my mind, they were crushed by another binge. 

My x was sick in his addiction and not capable of more at that time. He taught me that was able to be loved when he was sober. He taught me I was able to give love on a very deep level when he was sober. And I am forever grateful for that understanding now. I wanted nothing more than to get back to that place with XXXX  but that was not part of Gods plan for me or him. 

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

If I was not in that terrible place, I would not have the understanding and healing that I have today. 

God was not surprised that I ended up there and that now I am here. 

I blog and share my story for His glory. The people that he sent to walk along side me. The people that I have been sent to, to walk along side them…..its a beautiful thing that we are connected and in fellowship to lift  each other up. 

My journey to serenity continues…

Love languages…

I did more step 4 work today. 

Was writing about how my last relationship made me feel. And from those feeling when in the past I felt that way or didn’t feel that way and that’s why those feeling became so important to me.  I started to dig deep on writing about a time when everything was chaos, I was trying so hard to get back to where we were. 

What came to mind to me was the 5 Love Languages. If you have not heard of this before, here is a quick rundown. 

Gary Chapman had written several books about love languages. Be sure to google him for complete information. This is just my understanding of his theory. 

There are 5 basic love languages. This is how someone feels love. Everyone has a primary and secondary language. They are: words of affirmation, acts of service, recieving gifts, quality time and physical touch. If you understand someone else’s love language and you focus on interactions in that way, they will feel loved and it will improve your relationship. Any type of relationship. Parents, kids, friends, spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend. 

 
The point is to understand how they receive love, do that and your relationship will improve because they feel loved. 

Once I read about this, my relationship with my ex husband and ex mother in law all made sense. You see my ex mother in laws Love Language is Quality Time. And when we went to her house it was a day long event. I felt like I could never stop over for an hour, like we could with my mom. When we left, it was always a guilt trip that we were leaving already. 

For me, my primary Love Language is Act of Service. And while my ex husband told me he loved me, I never felt loved. In fact, I felt that I wasn’t important, an after thought because in my head, if he loved me he would do the dishes before I got home from working 2 jobs. He would do (fill in the blank) because he saw it needed to get done and not just wait for me to do it. 

And today while I was journaling about my relationship with XXXXXX, I was reminded about Love Languages. That XXXXXX and I talked about it. He knew what I needed to feel loved and he was really good at focusing on that when he was sober. And when his addiction took over his life, I wanted to badly to get back what we had because I never had that level of love before. 

It was a really good journaling sessions today for me. This was my view… 
 I was present. I listened to my heart. I sat with my feelings. and I am so grateful for giving myself this gift of time and understanding. 
Recovery from codependency is a gift. A gift to understand and heal. An opportunity to become a better me. For me and for those who love me today and who will love me in the future. 

And this understanding is only because of His Grace and For His Glory. I would not here if I was not there and I am living proof that  God can do great things for someone who just trusts Him! 

My journey to serenity continues….

Learning to dance in the rain…

It’s been a couple of weeks since I wrote a blog. I have missed writing and I’m so sorry for going ghost. 

It’s been a difficult couple of weeks but nothing to do with my recovery (thankfully). Between car trouble, house trouble, AC trouble, strained finances, strained relationship between my ex husband and our children and health stuff (nothing serious don’t worry) but what I have learned over the past few weeks is how to dance in the rain. 

  

Dancing in rain to me means that I may get knocked down but I never stay down. I’m am grateful and willing to pick up the pieces and keep moving. 

I am so blessed to have friends that before I can even finish the sentence, they were on their way to help me. I am so blessed to have these wonderful people in my life who love me and are willing to do what they are able to do to help me. From prayers to money to fixing something for me for cost to just fixing something for me. 

I have often heard that the devil shows up when  good things are happening. Not just good things are happening but great things are happening in my life and in my relationship with Jesus Christ. 

It is only by the grace of God that I am in recovery from a codependent abusive relationship. It is only by the grace of God that I am working on step 4 and understanding how I got in that place. And am understanding and healing all those parts of my heart.

I am forever changed by the relationship I was in last year and I am forever changed by the grace, mercy, wisdom and love that God has given to me once I was ready to turn everything over to Him and trust His plan for me.

Dancing in the rain, it’s a beautiful thing. 

My journey to serenity continues…

Much love and light 

Mar

THIS SHIT JUST GOT REAL…

I know some of my friends are wondering how did Mar ever find herself in this position or why didn’t she see it coming???

Well the truth is, I have often thought that same thing.  

The best way to explain it is this….

If you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, the frog would jump out. But put a frog in a pot of the perfect temperature water and s l o w l y turning up the heat, what happens is suddenly the frog is in a pot of boiling water and is trying to figure out what to do and what the heck is going on. 

 

So there I was wondering what the heck happened, my kids are hurt and were not heard, the man I saw my future with lied about everything and when I told him to leave me alone he started stalking me. I couldn’t focus at work, I couldn’t keep track of my bills because my attention was elsewhere. 

My codependency nature was totally out of control and I was failing on all fronts. 

Trying to control everything but controlling nothing. Being in denial about what was really going on. Having lack of boundaries and speeding past stop signs. Being told all the things I needed to hear. Being told that things will be different just hang on and don’t leave him. Being told that this was part of Gods plan for us and to trust him rather than the exit ramp it was and trusting myself. I was trying so hard to hold onto what I wanted it to be and not to what it was. 

  
The combination of all those things became my pot of boiling water. I am grateful that I got out. But I didn’t do it alone. God, prayers and friends saved me and I am forever humbled by the grace and love that was given to me. 

My journey to serenity continues….

I created the graphics in this post with the help of google images and the font candy app.