Tag Archives: loss

Life is short…..missing my friend

Yesterday I texted my friend Mike….’hope all is well in your corner of the world.’ I’ve sent this message many times to him as to others. 

To my shock, Mikes wife texted me back that Mike had passed away from a massive heart attack 13 days ago. She was so sorry for having to tell me by text. 

I am just beside myself with grief. 

I read through all of the text massages between Mike and I and wanted to share…..

Mike was an engineer and worked for NASA for a long time. He owned every tool you could imagine and many he owned 2 or 3. 

We became friends when the high school did Fiddler on the Roof and we built the cart for the show together. Well he designed and built it and I handed him tools. but it was easier with 2. I asked him questions about why he did things in that order and he liked my curiosity about how things worked. 

Mike had no idea what he got himself into when he offered to repay me for helping with the cart, he would work on my car for the cost of parts. Over the years I can’t even count how many times he worked on my car. Always wanting to save me money, he would take things apart and replace only what was needed to be replaced. Sometimes that worked and sometimes not so much and he would end up replacing the entire part. 

Most of the time I was there when he worked in my car. And he always explained stuff to me and I happily listened and asked questions and handed him tools. 

When he was done he’d say ‘I have one question for you. Who da man?’ And I’d say ‘YOU ARE’. 

Mike came to all the plays the boys were in both at school and with community theatre. 

We talked about family and I know how much he loved his kids. Keith who died at 13 from a brain tumor. And he would beam when he talked about his daughter. 

Mike wanted to stay connected to his son and was very active with the high school drama even though Keith never made it to high school. His daughter was active in theater, she was a senior when my son was a freshman. (Keith would have been a sophomore) the year that Keith would have graduated, Mike went to help set up the chairs. They had a chair for Keith but Mike couldn’t stay. It was just too hard. I think he just wanted to make sure no one forgot about Keith. 

I laughed at some of the text messages we exchanged. I’d say ‘ok awesome’ and he wrote back ‘what no sauce’ ‘Ok ok awesomesauce.’ I’d say back. Or in one of our last text conversations he said I was doing pretty well on my own and while money won’t buy happiness, happiness won’t buy groceries and to hang in there. 
Earlier this year I told him that my man picker was broken and I wasn’t going to date anyone. He said….I have a theory…..that I should park in front of a hardware store, barber shop, auto part store and the like (just not a bar) and put my hood up. And the man who comes to help me is observant, caring and capable…..or he could just want to wear your skin as a suit. There’s always that element of surprise. Thanks Mike for the advise. 

I’ll miss you Mike. You were a blessing to me for a long time. Thank you so much for you did for me. I am so very grateful for the time we had together. You will never be forgotten. 

I feel like someone stole a security blanket. I knew he was always a text away. My heart hurts that he is not anymore. 

Until we meet again…..

My journey to serenity continues…

You don’t heal a broken heart by pretending it’s not broken…

Penn & Teller did a show call Bullshit on Showtime from 2003-2010. I’ve always loved Penn & Teller. The show debunked a wide range of popular misconceptions. From talking to the dead to bottled water to pet love to the end of the world. Adult content for sure. Not for the easily offended.  And while I didn’t always agree with their point of view it was entertaining.

1.01 Season One Episode One was Talkng to the dead. My Dad had just passed away. John Edward was all over TV and I was curious. Knowing it was bullshit but curious. At the end of the episode Penn said ‘You don’t heal a broken heart by pretending it’s not broken’. Which I have never forgotten.

  

My heart is broken from my parents passing. I had lost both my parents by age 39. A blessing to have them so long a I did because know several people who lost their parents when they were teenagers. That fact doesn’t lesson my hurt but gives me perspective. 

My heart is broken from my ex-husband. He is who he is and was unsupportive and selfish. It breaks my heart every time he disappoints our children. Every time he changes plans at the last minute. Every time he says something mean spirited. Every time he says something unkind about me……he hurts our kids, my heart and his long term relationship with our kids. 

My heart is broken from my ex-boyfriend. He lied to me about who he was and what we were together. He told me everything that I wanted/needed to hear. He hurt me emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually and any other kind of ally word. 

My heart is broken from myself. I am mad at myself for allowing my life to get so out of control because of someone else’s addiction. 

I can’t heal my heart by pretending it’s not broken by these things. Talking/writing about these things puts them in the light. Puts them in perspective. Makes them small and not the giant pile of secret feelings in the closet. 

My journey to serenity continues…

Seasons…

I love when periods of time of life are described as seasons. 

I’ve been thinking about what season my life is in. I am recovering from an abuse relationship. I am understanding how my codependent nature contributed to that relationship and how it kept me stuck. I am mourning what could have been. I am learning to forgive, trust and love myself again. I am seeking a relationship with God. I am in a season of growth. I am in a season of time to build up. I am in a season of speaking and share my story. 

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What does the bible say about seasons?Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace. 

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No matter the season, be present where you are. 

Know that God uses us to shine light on each other’s darkness. Knowingly or unknowingly, He is using my story and your story for others. The bible is full of storys about what season someone was in and those stories help us today. There was fear and shame and joy and promise.

  
I have had some sad seasons. Loss of my parents, loss of a 18 year marriage. Loss of material things. Loss of self. Loss of a what I thought could be. Having been in these seasons, they have made me the person I am today. Still growing, still rebuilding, still flawed but also loving and caring and enough just the way that I am. 

Don’t wish a season away. Be present. 

My journey to serenity continues…
PS I painted the picture used in this post