My Truth

I was drowning in his addiction

I was drowning in his addiction. It was all consuming. It impacted every part of my life. I didn’t know how to stop the merry-go-round of addict and enabler.

I knew it wasn’t right but I kept going back. Kept waiting for him to hit his bottom. I knew I was hurting myself but I ignoring that part and only focused on him. Seeing myself from the outside, screaming don’t go see him….cut him off….walk away. But I couldn’t hear it.

I would have those thoughts and then think, this is the time. This is when he hits his bottom and we would bounce up from there. That I would walk away and this time he would get sober and stay sober. I’d think back to the good days and want those days back. That if I walked away, I’d miss it and not being part of it.

There’s not only the fact that I prevented him from growing and learning from his actions and the consequences from those actions. But I was also putting myself in harms way. My poor decisions were impacting the world around me and I couldn’t stop it.

Until.

Until I hit my bottom. I walked away and have never looked back. I kept putting one foot in front of the other. Kept making the next right choice for me. I was craving more for me and for my life.

As I worked through this I had to ask myself some hard questions. How did THIS become my life. How WAS it ok with me to not only put myself in this relationship but why did it stay ok? That this is a good as it gets and what I deserved? Was I so lonely that THAT life became ok? Why did I NEED to be needed and being needed meant love. Why did that feel like love? HOW and WHY did my worth become based on fixing someone else. So many hard questions that key to the answers were threaded back in my entire life.

I was drowning in his addiction.

But I’m not drowning anymore. I have bounced up from my bottom. I have found myself. I found it wasn’t ok. I found that that was far from as good as it gets. I found I deserved so much more. I found that it wasn’t that I was lonely, it was that was the path I was on. If it wasn’t him it would have the next guy who was an alcoholic.

I found I don’t need to be needed. I found that love doesn’t have to look like that. I found that my value is not in fixing someone else but in who I am and who I am to God. I found that had I not been there, I wouldn’t be here. I would take my worst day now over my best day there.

And being here, I am finally living into who I was always meant to be. I have a relationship with Jesus Christ. I serve in ways that use my God given gifts and talents. I walk along side others with healthy boundaries. I ‘do life’ with an awesome support system. And I am grateful.

My journey to serenity continues…

My Truth

Judging Others…

One thing I have learned first hand from 12 step recovery meeting rooms has to do with judgment. 

While I was spinning out of control on the codependency/addict merry go round, others didn’t understand what was going on and why I was acting like a crazy person. 

I’d ask for advise (while knowing what I should do) but frozen in being able to take action to change what was going on. And the merry go round went around and around and around again. In some ways it felt safer to do what you know. 

I felt like a crazy person. I didn’t understand what was going on. How did this become my life?

Part of codependency is about what others may think of me if they knew what was going on.  So I would take care of things and make it easier for others. I’d paint the picture of it not being THAT bad. Why? Because I didn’t want to be judged in a negative way or for those around me that I cared about to be judged. The shame I felt that if everyone knew, they would be disappointed in me somehow. Because I was disappointed in myself. 

But then I had to DO something and DO something different because I did not want to spin around one more time. With a ton of work and willingness, my heart started to heal and things started to make sense and more connections were made and my heart healed a little bit more.  

For me when I first started to go to meetings, I felt a lot of things but being judged was not one of them. As I heard others stories and where they were, I didn’t for a second judge them. I felt compassion and empathy and just wanted to love them along their journey. 

What a beautiful gift to share with others in recovery who also at one point may have felt shame for their behavior. Being in a space of not being judged. Being in a safe place to share the darkest of their days. Learning to heal and grow and learning to trust yourself and others around you again. Beautiful thing for sure. 

In the Book of Matthew 7: 2-5 it says this about being judgemental…...Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?’ 

Wowzers, pretty clear. Why do people do that? Because it’s easy. It’s easy to point out others flaws or sins and not look at yourself and owning your part. 

Reminds me of recovery sayings like….

Stay in your own lane.
Keep your side the street clean.
Keep your spoon in your own bowl.

Or in Romans 3:23 you will find….’For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,’

Yeah hello, everyone has fallen short and who am I to think that my sin is less sinful than someone else’s. Or that this persons sin is so much worse on the sin scale. (Is that a thing?)  Makes me laugh to think of times I thought that about someone or a situation. Because I didn’t understand that this is not how it works. 

I would not trade my best day on the codependent/addict merry go round for my worst day off it!!! 

I think this is actually called grace. Going to a year and a half of meetings, I have learned to give grace because grace has been given to me. 

I have learned not to judge because they didn’t judge me. 

My journey to serenity continues….

My Truth

What Recovery Means to Me

I am a week away from my year anniversary from taking my Welcome Home chip from the Celebrate Recovery program.

I walked in my first meeting broken. Sad. Lonely. Heartbroken and confused on how this became my life. A week later, I took my first chip and I have not looked back. 

In the last 12 months I have: 

  • I attended weekly meetings for 51 weeks. I missed one week because I had bronchitis. 
  • I listened and learned from others stories.
  • I started this blog.
  • I shared every meeting. It was 5 minutes that no one could tell me what to do or help me fix my problem. They just listened without judgement. 
  • I cried as I realized I was not alone and there was an answer to why I acted the way I was. Everything started to make sense.
  • I got a sponsor. 
  • I filled my time with reading and answering tough questions to dig deep into my entire life.
  • I made time for Bible reading, meditation and prayer.
  • I taught my first lesson at a meeting on relapse prevention and creating a ‘tool box’
  • I joined a step study. It’s an 11 month commitment to working the steps with an amazing group of healing Sisters in Christ. 
  • I have worked steps 1-5
  • I have written my testimony and will be giving it next month.
  • I am attending a leader training one day session for Celebrate Recovery this month.


And I am not stopping. 
My journey to serenity continues…

My Truth

Sometimes you forget…

Sometimes you forget just how far you have come until you are reminded. 

In reading others recovery blogs I find hope in their stories and sometimes I catch myself being upset that I’m not part of my ex boyfriends recovery. And then I quickly remember that he is not in recovery and thats one of the many  reasons we are no longer together. 

I remember waiting for his recovery kept me stuck in codependency. I kept giving him one more chance again and again because what if this was the time he would stay sober.  What if this was the time and I walked away. How could I do that. 

  
And that what if, would end as soon as the next binge started and my heart full of hope and wanting him to succeed would shatter again. 

And so the merry go round started. Again.

Now that I’m no longer willing to play on that merry go round. 

I need to remember how far i have come since I walked away.

I noticed the other day that I was walking  taller. There was a different stride in my step. I was happy over the silliest things. I think about things and grin ear to ear again. Such a different feeling.

I’m starting to go places my ex and I have been and he is not the first thing on my mind. I hear a song on my play list and it’s not about him. It’s just a great song.

Is everything where I want it to be?  No. But am I where I was 7, 5 or even 3 months ago? NO. 

Progress not perfection.

My heart is healing. My mind is settled down. I’m finding myself again. 

I am cutting yourself some slack. I am giving yourself a break. It took me time to get into that place and it will take time to get me to the next place. But I will enjoy every step of the journey.

Sometimes you forget just how far you have come until you are reminded…

My journey to serenity continues…

Thank you Google Images for the graphic.