My Truth

Being on the other side…

My Facebook status 9.29.2015

Witnessing someone self-destruct is one of the worst things in life.
#AllICanDoIsPray
#FeelingSad

My Facebook status 9.29.2016

A year ago today I posted about how awful it is to see someone self destruct and be completely helpless.
I’m sure it was equally hard for my friends to see me during that time.
So glad I’m in this place now and not there anymore.
But I can also say that I am grateful for that awful time because I wouldn’t be here and I wouldn’t have some AMAZING people in my life. No need to name names, if you read this….you are one of them.

Being on the other side of this situation, I’d like to share my thoughts today 9.28.19.

Looking Back…9.29.2015

4 years ago, I was a mess. A hot broken mess. The man I ‘loved’ was completely out of control and deep in his alcohol addiction. You know the term functional alcoholic well this was the total opposite. He was not able to function at all. Drinking from the second he woke up until he passed again. All day and night. For MONTHS. And I was putting myself smack in the middle of his chaos and making it my own. I was drowning in his addiction.

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Here’s the ugly truth about that day….he was living in an abandoned house blocks from my house with 3 than, 2 than 1 one other homeless alcoholics. No power. No water. Buckets and pots and tubs in the backyard, collecting rain water to flush the toilet. Roaches and other bugs everywhere. I never bought him alcohol, not once but I enabled him in so many other ways. This was just another day.

He called me and sent me text messages all hours of the day and night. Starting out with I love you, please don’t leave me. I’m going to stop today. And as the day went on, it ended with leave me alone, fuck you. Rinse and Repeat. Day after day after day. Pulling me in, pushing me away. This dance. This terrible harmful dance.

I could not do this anymore. I’m about to hit my bottom. I was slowly going ghost. Slowly trying to disengage. But still wanting to be there. And as I was pulling away, the situation was escalating.  I was terrified. Terrified of him. Terrified on being alone. Terrified that this would be the time he got sober and I walked away. I was watching him self destruct and I was powerless. I was failing. Failing him. Failing myself. This is snap shot of a day in the life of codependent loving an out of control alcoholic. And this was my crazy thought process.

Fast Forward 1 year later…9.29.2016

After a little more to this dysfunction central ‘relationship’ which included a protective order, it being violated, court and jail time (for him). Silence. Then I was lonely and missed the good things and I reached out when I shouldn’t have. The dance was restarting.  And then I walked into a Celebrate Recovery meeting and everything changed for my greater good.

I then found a Christ Centered recovery group. Got a sponsor. Faithfully going to meetings. Working the steps. Healing had started. Connections were made as how I became codependent. It was a way of coping. Not coping well or in a healthy way but coping all the same. Things were making sense as my head cleared.

I already had figured out that had I not been that mess I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to heal so many things. And likely I would have looked for the next guy to fix. The next dysfunction.

Had I not been there I wouldn’t be here. And here had just begun.

Fast forward 3 more years…today 9.29.2019

It’s now 4 years later since that time of total chaos. I think back and do not recognize who I was and wonder how I thought it was ok to put myself in that position. I drive by that house everyday and most days I don’t think much about it but every now and then I remember those days with much sadness. If I could only go back and take myself by the hand and say trust me. But I wouldn’t have listened.

Today I am an active member of Celebrate Recovery. I am part of the leadership team. I am available to listen to others and their story, their journey. I still have a sponsor. And I am a sponsor. I am in a step study, my second one. I am surrounded by amazing people who are my biggest cheer leaders. I continue to learn how to have healthy relationships. I now understand that boundaries not only keep me safe but keep unsafe people out of my day to day to life.

I am so grateful for the chaos of 2015. My life is much more complete.  The fact that I now have a relationship with Jesus Christ. That I lean on God’s word. That I trust His plan. That I ask for wisdom and strength.  And that I am doing life with others in recovery has been the greatest gift to come from this time.

Not perfect, but living in grace and truth.

Stay on this ride with me, the best is yet to be.

My journey continues…

 

My Truth

I cried because I had no shoes…

I’m reading this amazing book about grief. I have learned quiet a bit. I have made some new connections and have a better understanding of my own grief.

A few years ago, I asked a client how she was doing (knowing she just lost her job and was putting one foot on front of the other to get by) but I really wanted to know because I enjoyed working with her. She said ‘I don’t complain because I was always told, ‘I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.”

This for sure gives an picture of empathy and to be grateful for what you have because someone always has it worse.

I hadn’t thought much about that quote after my conversation other than it was a good perspective. Until I read it in the book and it created a new point of view for me.

I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.

It implies that someone’s pain or hurt is more than another. That I shouldn’t cry because I have no shoes because someone else has it worse than I do. It also implies comparison of pain and hurt. That my pain is less than.

Hmm

Grieving the loss on someone (although it can be many other things besides a person) is personal.

The relationship I had with my mother, for example, was different than the relationship my mother had with my each of my siblings. The pain I feel, is the pain I feel and the level of pain they feel, is the pain they feel.

And the pain that woman feels who lost their daughter that same day. That woman’s pain doesn’t make my pain any less.

And while it’s easy to look at both situations and say that mother who lost her daughter pain is worse than me the daughter who lost my mother. But is it? And really who cares, why are we comparing??? Both of these women are hurting and that’s the point. Both women lost someone they love, let’s meet them where they are and love them.

Let’s stop comparing pain. Let’s stop trying to fix each other by saying things like time heals because the truth is time doesn’t heal. It’s a big fat lie. Time only means it’s been longer that I’ve been in pain. Longer that I’ve missed my mom.

Not remembering until I saw it the other day and I was actually stunned to read it but I wrote on my mom’s memorial online…mom, I don’t know how to be here without you. This was just days after she died. And you know what I wrote last March on the 9th anniversary of her passing….mom, I don’t know how to be here without you. So time has not healed the pain I feel.

So yeah, I cried because I had no shoes. And I will cry for my friend who has no feet too.

My journey to serenity continues…

My Truth

When someone shows you who they are, believe them!

A while back I worked for a bank and worked in the business loan department. I remember people asking why we pull personal credit reports for a business loan. Well the answer is simple, how someone handles their personal finances is also how they handle their business finances. People don’t change their core habits based on business or personal. And if they do, it’s short lived.

I share that because I was watching a You Tube video last night and heard someone say ‘when someone shows you who they are, believe them’. It’s kinda like the credit report thing.

Gosh I wish I applied this with a few people in my past.

Have you ever made excuses for someone’s bad behavior? I sure have. Have you had someone do something many times and you made excuses over and over. Yep, done that too.

If I had paused with the second or even third time or how about the 10th time and I made a different decision rather than making an excuse, I wonder how things would have been different. But….

Please don’t get me wrong, people can change. I’ve seen it first hand. People at their bottom. Life was a hot mess. And they are now a completely different person because they have done the work that comes with recovery.

But stay with me.

That is who they were at that time. And that is who I was at that time too.

He continued to drink, when he told me he wouldn’t. And I continued to make excuses, in hopes that this was the time. And if I walked away too soon, I would 1. Cause him to drink because I didn’t believe in him enough and 2. I would miss his recovery back to who he used to be.

Really now, did I have that type of control? Sounds ridiculous just saying it out loud. Heck no, I didn’t have any control. But my codependent thinking made me think I did.

So I stayed a little too long because I thought that was loving hm. As things spun more out of control And my heart got hurt. So did my wallet. And my other relationships.

But had I not been there, I wouldn’t be here.

Last week, I heard from an old friend. Someone I thought I could have been in a relationship with one day. And with just a few test messages, he showed me who he is. And you know what I did? I believed him. And I asked him not to contact me again. (Now I wish I could say that I was that nice or graceful about it but I’m not sure I was.)

The point is, that I did it. I didn’t make an excuse. He showed me who he is……and I believed him. And I walked away.

Recovery in action! Love small victories!

Feeling grateful tonight for all I have learned in the past few years and most of all, Grateful to God for leading me to Celebrate Recovery so that I can develop a relationship with Him and gain the understanding of why my life was in a ditch and help me get out of it.

My journey to serenity continues….

My Truth

Who Does God Says I Am???

Ever since I wrote my last post, A Fork In The Road, there has been one line repeating in my head. Nudging me to write more about it. Look that up, go deeper there.

“Living out who God says I am.”

So who DOES God say that I am??? Well I looked it up and this is what I found.

  • He doesn’t see me as less worthly because I am blessed
  • I am loved because I am His daughter.
  • He doesn’t see me as inferior because I am chosen
  • He doesn’t see me as a sinner because I am forgiven
  • He doesn’t see me as hurting because I am favored
  • I am not alone because He sends other to join my journey with me.
  • He doesn’t see me as rejected because I am accepted
  • He doesn’t see me as flawed because I am made in God’s image
  • He doesn’t see me as lonely because I am His child
  • He doesn’t see me as a loser because in Him I am victorious
  • He doesn’t see me as weak because I am strengthened by Him
  • He doesn’t see me as damaged because I am healed
  • I am new because I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ
  • He doesn’t see the chains that hold me back because I am delivered
  • He doesn’t see me as ransomed because I am set free
  • I am redeemed because His son died for me.
  • He doesn’t see me as broken because I am complete
  • I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made
  • And I am a masterpiece

The Bible is the one book that the author loves the reader. And if these words I found are a representation of WHO GOD SAYS I AM…..I need to read this list everyday to remind myself that no matter what others say, no matter what others may think of me…..this is my truth of who I am.

My journey continues…

My Truth

On This Day….

I have a love/hate relationship with the On This Day section of Facebook.

It’s actually one of the last things I do just about everyday. I typically go to sleep after midnight so I check to see what happened on that day in my Facebook account.

It makes me happy so see pictures of the past of the kids doing activities they love. Or remembering the exact day pets were adopted. Or words of wisdom I have shared over the years.

But there is a darker side of my On This Day list. It makes me sad or bring up situations and feels like they just happened.

So I am always pretty real on Facebook. It’s not just my high-light reel, I keep it real. The good, the bad and the ugly.

If you haven’t been reading my blog for long you may not know for sure what got me to the beautiful place of recovery. And I’m sharing more in this post than I have before about this addict/codependent relationship I was in.

***I give details that I haven’t before so if you may be triggered, please stop reading and go read one of my other posts or skip down to the last 2 paragraphs.***

2015 was a very difficult year. The year started out with reconnecting with a high school friend who was starting his life over and needed someone to take a chance on him. He was a dry alcoholic and very newly sober which I didn’t realize it at the time.

He told me all the things I so desperately needed to hear and molded his life around mine. I looked past the warning signs because how I felt and it made everything else fade into the background.

July 2015 was particularly difficult. In May. I kicked him out he began binge drinking and squating in a house a few blocks away. In June, I took him to court drunk because he knew he was not leaving that day. He wrote me letters everyday and called me all the time. He talked about that we were meant to be together and he loved me like no other. I went to see him in jail every weekend and cried in the waiting room wondering how did this become my life. He told me about a book he read, something about men carrying their gold and silver sword for their family. And that he could not do that for me from jail. That if I bonded him out of jail, he would not only pay me back but it was also investing in our future.

A month to the day, I knew it was wrong thing to do but I did it anyway.  I got a loan and bonded him out of jail. With all the hope and promise that life had to offer. This fantasy life that could be.

I got a hotel room because the next day I had to go get kids from 2 diffferent camps and the plan was to tell the kids the next day that he was moving back in with us after 3 months of not.

I went and got the kids from camp and came back to the room to find him drunk trying to order a pizza on my tablet. What a fucking hot mess he was. I should have walked away. But I was crazy Codependent and still couldn’t see what was going on. I burst into tears and yelled where is your gold and silver sword. I’m risking everything and you are fucking drunk, really!? He wanted to drink one last time and stop on his terms.

I told the kids and they packed up and left. I was heartbroken.

I let my ex stay with me a few day while the kids were with their dad and I was devastated.

A few days later…..he continued to drink by the way….shocker……I woke up to find him on top of me, he had just hit me in the face. It took everything I had to continue to block him and get him off of me. I yelled and screamed his name to stop. He said he was dreaming and he fell back asleep and I sat curled up on the floor in fear. I asked to pack his shit and leave, that I couldn’t do this. I had to figure out how to get my kids back.

Now mid July, he left, the kids were still gone and not talking to me.

I was so broken. I cried for hours. Until I had no tears left in me. I was sobbing. I wanted my pain to end and considered ending my life to make the pain stop. I started to write a note and I had a knife by my side. I even thought about going to the hospital but figured I’d loose the kids forever if I did that. The thing that stopped me was actually a conversation with my oldest son 2 years earlier when a classmate committed suicide. It’s only transfers the pain to someone else and you don’t fix a temporary problem with a permanent solution echoed in my head. I dried my tears and did the only thing I knew to do, chase after my ex.

Ugh. These memories are so hard to feel again. But this year is better than last year and this year I have even more skills and tools than last year.

I took out my tool kit from my  3 Circles Method post and keeping that close during the next few weeks while these memories pop up. I have to have a plan to not get into a dark place.

My advise to myself or anyone else that has these types of memories is to be gentle on myself/yourself. I was doing the best I could at the time with what I knew and felt. And now, I would make a different choice but there is no sense in beating up who I was because I’m not that girl anymore, i’m this girl now!!!

My journey to serenity continues…

My Truth

I share my story because…

Someone asked me today, why do you share your story? Why do you blog? Why are you willing to share your story at a meeting? 

Well there are 3 parts to this answer…

#1. Sharing my story of love and recovery is for me aka the story teller. Because….

  • There is power is writing my story.
  • There is power in hearing myself say it out loud.
  • It keeps our story real and reminds me of how far i have come. 
  • It strengthens my commitment to my recovery. 
  • It helped me find my voice. 
  • It’s the ultimate form of self love or self care.
  • It’s one of the steps. Step 12 Having had a spiritual experience as a result of these steps, we try to carry this messsge to others and practice these principles in all of our affairs.
  • It’s a form of service to others. 

#2. Sharing my story of love and recovery is for others. Because…

  • I shine my light not for me but for someone else’s darkness. 
  • It shows others that they are not alone. 
  • It encourages others in their journey. 
  • It gives others hope in recovery. 
  • You create amazing friendships from those in recovery. 
  • Allows others with similar stories to have someone who can relate to and go to for support. 
  • We sharpen each other 
  • You can share tools and experience.

#3. Sharing my story of love and recovery is to glorify God. Because….

  • It is only by His grace, love and forgiveness that I am in this place today and I need to tell others what He has done for me. 

This girls journey to serenity continues…

My Truth

The Best Part of Recovery……I Am Never Alone

The best part of recovery is that I am never alone. We are not built to be alone. But when you are in the middle of your addiction, you pull away from others because of shame and guilt. 

Now when I feel overwhelmed or upset, I can reach out to several people and they talk to me about what’s going on, how I’m feeling and why. 

My recovery family glows in number and in depth. Spending time with likeminded, God lovin’, people in recovery makes me a better human. 

I’m giving my testimony in 3 days. I have thought about this day for 6 months. What I have written is perfect. It’s me and my story.  I know that sharing my story will give glory to God and share courage, strength and hope. 

My journey continues…

This girls journey to serenity

PS this is my picture that I took and I created this graphic for this post =]