Yesterday I spent a few hours with friends from Celebrate Recovery. We had a picnic at a flower farm.
What a beautiful, special, blessed day it was.
Many of us posted pics and thoughts about how nice this time together was especially since we had not been together in person since mid-March.
Recovery friends are referred to as Forever Family. Reflecting on yesterday, forever family is the perfect way to describe way to identify these people to me.
I created an photo album online titled ‘This is CR’ The description says. Celebrate Recovery has changed my life and has taught me how to walk along side others with love. It’s not just a meeting once a week, it’s how I do life and how I do life with others.
I didn’t realize how much I really missed being with my CR family in person for the last few months until seeing so many of them yesterday.
Looking back, some of my favorite days were ones with my Forever Family. Painting, a birthday party, axe throwing and a picnic at a flower farm to name a few.
It’s not just a meeting once a week. It’s real relationships. People who you want to spend time with. People you admire. People who know your junk and love you anyway. People I know their junk and don’t judge but love them for who they are today.
It’s not just a meeting once a week. It’s a way of living life with others in a healthy way.
Stay on this ride with me, the best is yet to be.
My journey to serenity continues…
Ps the pics in the post are my pics from the different CR forever family gatherings
In this world of uncertainty that we have found ourselves in, I started feeling anxious and overwhelmed while at the grocery store tonight.
I walked down aisle after aisle and found empty shelves and choices were limited. I was hit in the face with how real this is. The restaurant in the same parking lot was empty and the coffee shop was dark.
I felt that I needed to remind myself of all the tools and new ways of coping with life when life happens that I have learned from WORKING a recovery program. Cause life is happening right now and while it’s a little unsettling, I know that this will not last forever and God is in control.
I used my tools right away, which was kinda cool that it came so naturally. I reached out to my sponsor and talked to her about how I was I was feeling and why I felt this way. And I found out, that she was feeling the same way. Having a sponsor, accountability partner or trusted friend to talk to is just so important. I know I am not alone in my feelings.
Here are some other things that are on top of my toolbox:
🔨 Eating well. Comfort food is called that for a reason. Often is not the best choice but sure makes me feel good. Adding healthy options like a salad or veggies is a plus. I also tend not to eat and go for long periods of time without eating. So I need to keep planning meals so it’s something I don’t have to think about. I have it written down and know what to do next without having to think about. Making smart food choices will keep me healthy.
🔧 Take meds. Always take your meds as prescribed. It might be a good idea to take a vitamin too.
🔩 Exercise. Now that gyms are closing to practice social distancing, there are still lots of options. Can be as simple as going out for a walk. Or going up and down the stairs at home. Or there are tons of online resources on YouTube for workouts at home. If you have a gym membership, they may even have resources on their website or Facebook group. Or how about putting on your favorite music and just dancing!
🔨 Read. Lots of options here too. From the serenity prayer to the 12 steps and 8 principles (Celebrate Recovery) Can all be found on the CR app or online. The Holy Bible app is another really good one to download. There are many suggestions on the home page of the one I use has references hope and anxiety or I can search programs. Or I have even googled ’what does the Bible say about —- ’ to find really good verses on that topic or feeling. Can always read other stuff too but there are my go.
🔧 Journal. Journaling can help you sort out your feelings. Ask yourself, have I felt this way before? When? Why am I feeling this way? How did I cope last time? Did that help? Why or why not. Tons of journaling books available if you need props too.
🔩 Get creative. I enjoy painting but I recently discovered diamond painting which is kinda mindless yet fun. Sometimes I struggle with ideas on what to paint so diamond painting takes the pressure off. Think about what you enjoyed doing as a kid. Did you like to color, crossword puzzles or draw? Give those a try again. You may find a new (old) hobby.
🔨 Write a thank you or thinking of you note. Send an email or text and check on someone else. Let them know you are thinking about them. Set up a call and share a cup of coffee by phone.
🔧 Do and act of kindness. I cleaned out a cabinet over the weekend and found a few board games that we hadn’t used in years. So I posted on my neighborhood Facebook group and set them outside. They were gone within an hour.
🔩 My 100 things list. One of the first things my sponsor had me do was write a list of 100 positive words that described myself. This took me a month and I asked my friends for help and I use the thesauruses. But when it gets in my head that I am not enough, I reread these words to remind myself who I really am.
If you need a place to start, here are some things God says about us from a Bible study I did:
I am blessed
I am chosen, forgiven, favored and accepted
I am made in Gods image
I am His child
I am victorious and strengthened by Him
I am healed, new, delivered, set free and redeemed
I am complete
I am fearfully and wonderfully made
I am His masterpiece
And I am loved
🔨 Listen to Music. Have a playlist on your phone or listen to on of your favorites on YouTube and that song will lead to the next and you just may find a new favorite one.
🔧 You can meditate – there’s an app for that too. I use the free version of ABIDE. It’s a prayer meditation style app which has a list of topics from anger, anxiety to fear or hope. These are short just 2-5 minutes meditations.
Using these 🔨 🔧 🔩 will keep me connected. Connected to God. Connected to myself and my program and connected to others.
This is my final thought.
From Philippians 4: 8-9
And now dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right and pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.
And the God of peace will be with you….another word for peace is serenity. And the God of serenity will be with you.
Stay well. Stay positive. Take things one day at a time. Stay connected and go wash your hands.
I was drowning in his addiction. It was all consuming. It impacted every part of my life. I didn’t know how to stop the merry-go-round of addict and enabler.
I knew it wasn’t right but I kept going back. Kept waiting for him to hit his bottom. I knew I was hurting myself but I ignoring that part and only focused on him. Seeing myself from the outside, screaming don’t go see him….cut him off….walk away. But I couldn’t hear it.
I would have those thoughts and then think, this is the time. This is when he hits his bottom and we would bounce up from there. That I would walk away and this time he would get sober and stay sober. I’d think back to the good days and want those days back. That if I walked away, I’d miss it and not being part of it.
There’s not only the fact that I prevented him from growing and learning from his actions and the consequences from those actions. But I was also putting myself in harms way. My poor decisions were impacting the world around me and I couldn’t stop it.
Until I hit my bottom. I walked away and have never looked back. I kept putting one foot in front of the other. Kept making the next right choice for me. I was craving more for me and for my life.
As I worked through this I had to ask myself some hard questions. How did THIS become my life. How WAS it ok with me to not only put myself in this relationship but why did it stay ok? That this is a good as it gets and what I deserved? Was I so lonely that THAT life became ok? Why did I NEED to be needed and being needed meant love. Why did that feel like love? HOW and WHY did my worth become based on fixing someone else. So many hard questions that key to the answers were threaded back in my entire life.
I was drowning in his addiction.
But I’m not drowning anymore. I have bounced up from my bottom. I have found myself. I found it wasn’t ok. I found that that was far from as good as it gets. I found I deserved so much more. I found that it wasn’t that I was lonely, it was that was the path I was on. If it wasn’t him it would have the next guy who was an alcoholic.
I found I don’t need to be needed. I found that love doesn’t have to look like that. I found that my value is not in fixing someone else but in who I am and who I am to God. I found that had I not been there, I wouldn’t be here. I would take my worst day now over my best day there.
And being here, I am finally living into who I was always meant to be. I have a relationship with Jesus Christ. I serve in ways that use my God given gifts and talents. I walk along side others with healthy boundaries. I ‘do life’ with an awesome support system. And I am grateful.
If you have followed my blog for a while you would know that I attend Celebrate Recovery (CR) and have for four years now.
Along with the 12 steps and the biblical comparisons, CR also has 8 principles. These principles are based on the beatitudes. While all the steps and the principles are amazing on their own and how they work together, principle 2 sticks with me.
Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him and that He has the power to help me recover. (Step 2) “Happy are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4
The first part is easy for me. Earnestly believe that God exists. I know that God exists and that He is working in my life every day. I trust His plan for my life and know that all things work together for my greater good.
The next part is my favorite part of this principle, that I matter to Him. There have been many times in my life that I didn’t feel like I mattered. That I was not heard. That I wasn’t enough. That my opinion didn’t matter.
That I matter to God….is a little overwhelming to even think. That God sent His son to die for my sins. That God works all things for my greater good. That God wants a relationship with me. That God has prepared a place for me. That I matter to Him. God has never turned away from me, I was the one who turned away. He was right there all along. Waiting for me to turn back. He met me where I was because He was there waiting for me because I matter to Him.
The last part of this principleis and that He has the power to help me recover. In principles 1, 2 and 3 and steps 1, 2 and 3, is all about I can’t, He can and I need to let Him.
I am powerless. I have control over very little. Really I only have control over my own actions and reactions. There have been times that I didn’t make good decisions. Not based on my greater good.
God has the power to help me recover and I need to let Him.
That I matter to Him. He hears me. He knows I am enough. My opinion matters to Him.
If nothing changes, nothing changes. BUT if something changes and you stick with it….EVERYTHING changes!
I know first hand how that works. In many parts of my life.
If I continued to relate to someone with codependency, that relationship will stay dysfunctional.
If I continued to not have boundaries with someone, I will continue to be run over and feel unheard.
If I continued to be in denial about my health, I would continue to on the path to put myself of a health risk.
I recently read ….Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change. By Tony Robbins. It’s so true.
Change can be scary. What’sgoing to happen to me when I get healthy….less dependent….more assertive….speak the truth in love…..forgive them…..take off my mask….forgive myself…..will people like me….will I even like me?
Well let me say when I stepped out ofdenial with my health because my pain of staying the same was greater than my pain of change. And I made real changes. And stuck to them for the last 5 months, EVERYTHING had changed. I have now lost 47 pounds. My blood sugar and pressure are back in normal ranges. I have more energy. I am no longer in physical pain daily. I am happier. I am more confident.
As far as if others will like me…..I don’t care. It no longer matters to me if others like me or not. I don’t need to know. It’s actually none of my business. The right people will not only like me, they will love me.
And to answer the do I like me question….I love who I am becoming. I finally feel like I am becoming who I was always meant to be. I love serving others in a ministry that walks along side others who are in pain from life. And they have reached that tipping point of staying the same is more painful than pain of change.
Together we work the 12 steps. They are designed to take actions to achieve the goals of recovery – reconciliation with God, with yourself, with others and then serving and giving back….that’s how it works.
And then together we learn the Celebrate Recovery principals to develop new attitudes – attitudes of humility, vulnerability, honesty and gratitude….that’s why it works.
I love being perfectly imperfect. I make mistakes. And then I can correct them. It’s not a success only Journey. And when I fail, I can get back up. Failing just means I’m trying and not standing still.
If nothing changes, nothing changes but if something changes and you stick with it, everything changes!
My journey to serenity continues…
Ps parts of this post is inspired by a Celebrate Recovery lesson. You will find the most amazing people there. To find a meeting near you, go the Celebrate Recovery website.
I always loved the stop motion animation of Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer. I could relate to the misfit toys.
Poor Rudolph was different with his red nose and tried to hide it. And Hermey the Elf who just wanted to be a dentist because he was passionate about that over making toys. Off they go because they didn’t fit in. They couldn’t just be themselves. And trying to be something else just didn’t work our either.
And then they run into other misfits. Which I want to pause the story for a moment and define misfit. According to the Oxford dictionary, misfit is a noun meaning a person whose behavior or attitude sets them apart from others in an uncomfortable conspicuous way. Synonyms include outsider, weirdo, oddball and exception.
Ok now that we know who misfits are let’s go back to the story.
Charlie tells them that the lion collects unloved toys and brings them to the island.
Here are a few of the Misfit Toys:
King Moonracer – the winged lion
Charlie in the box
Train with square wheels
Water gun that shoots jelly
A bird that swims
A cowboy that rides an ostrich
Boat that can’t stay afloat
A plane that can’t fly
A doll named Sue
So these toys may be different, they may not be who others think they should be, they may think differently or even work differently. Maybe they don’t fit in to the norms.
This got me thinking about recovery and recovery groups. It’s made up of a bunch of people who maybe didn’t fit in. Maybe didn’t live up to what or who others thought they should. Maybe they think differently. Maybe felt unloveable.
You know who I have found in my 12 step group? These misfits? Outsiders? Weirdos? Oddballs? And the exceptions? They are strong and brave and caring and loving and are great listeners and are thoughtful and hardworking and are honest and are humble and non judgmental and are grateful and kind and offer hope. They are inclusive. And they are exceptional.
These misfits that others might have overlooked and dismissed and sometimes even written off. These misfits are my friends and they would stand in line to protect me. They would stop what they are doing and fold my hands and pray with me. They make time to listen and study together.
That misfit attitude that set them apart is an attitude of gratitude. The attitude that all things are working together for my greater good. That attitude of knowing that God does not waste pain. Misfit behavior that we welcome the new comer and walk along side.
So as far as I am concerned, misfits are amazing and they are all welcome here!
The word ‘Just’ can be an adverb or an adjective. As an adjective it means reasonable, right or deserved. As in ‘a just cause’ or ‘a just punishment’. As a adverb, just means exactly, precisely or only. As in ‘just one more’.
I’d like to focus on just as an adverb.
Exactly, Precisely or Only.
If you have ever played an Ice breaker game before a meeting or training, you may have heard questions like if you had just one book to read over and over what would it be? Or just one thing to eat for the rest of your life. Or just one person to talk to for the rest of your life? Or if you had just one day to live what would you do? Those are fun questions to answer and you can learn a lot about someone in that way.
In recovery, I’ve heard just one more drink, round, hit or high. And of course, just one day at a time.
In sports, it’s just one more inning, period, frame or quarter.
In daily life it may be, just one more cookie, just one more day or just one minute. Or I’m sure you have heard, we have just one life to live or there is just one of you.
I’ve done many things alone. Just one. Just one ticket. Just one for dinner. Just one person going someplace. I don’t mind doing things alone although I would rather do things with someone or someone’s else. But I’d never do anything if I always waited for someone to do it with me. People are busy. And people make time for what they want to do. (Which another blog post in itself)
I always say one please or a table for one, one ticket etc. And when the person helping me says ‘Just one?’ To me it almost sounds insulting. But that’s how it hits my ear. Probably because I’m afraid that I’m being judged.
‘Yes just one.’ I wish others didn’t say just one. It’s ok to do stuff on your own.
I know this really has nothing to do with recovery but I went to dinner by myself tonight and the host said ‘just one’ and I figured I’d share my thoughts.
Be great today. Keep doing the next right thing. And don’t forget to be your own best friend and enjoy your own company.
At work today I was listening to YouTube (as usual) and a TD Jakes clip played…
‘You didn’t get to pick what shaped your world. But you do get to pick what stabilizes it’
This to me is so timelyand powerful. I have been looking for stability in my life for a long time. I’ve felt like I was white knuckling life got the last 20 plus years. All day. Everyday. Trying to control everything.
And what brought me the stability that I’ve been looking for? A little 12 Step Christ centered program called CelebrateRecovery.
I’ve found a new stride. My new normal. It’s a pretty happy place. Not without challenges. Not without struggles. Not without upset. That’s just called life. And because of that I’ve learned 12 stepping, living the 12 steps daily and by God’s Grace, I can cope in a new way.
Finding stability when life is always changing. Finding stability when the unexpected happens. Finding stability in an uncertain world.
No longer do I need to live in secret, silence or shame. No longer do I worry about what someone may think of my situation or of me. As a mother, sister or friend.
This stability that Ithought was so far out of reach, wasn’t. And as Icontinue to let go of control and trust God and His plan for
my life, the more stable I have become.
And the more stable I become, the more Ineed to be stable.
I took this picture outside my office window after a late afternoon storm. I love how the light changes from one area to another. Some darker than others and some with such bright light as sun peeks out from behind the clouds.
Rainbows represent God’s promise. His promise to be with us when we are afraid during a storm and that storms end.
I seem to have been overcome by worry here lately. Which reminded me that I struggle with codependency and that codependency is about control.
Control a situation.
Control what others know and think about a situation.
Control the outcome of a situation.
Control my pain.
Control others pain.
Control being out of control.
Control of owning all of situation, when it’s not all mine.
Control wanting to make amends when I’m I don’t even know what I’m sorry for doing or not doing.
It wasn’t until yesterday when a friend was facing a health crisis, that I said things to her that I needed to hear for myself.
I sent to her, remember:
God is in control.
God goes before and with you.
God knows the outcome.
You are so loved.
Worry does not change outcome.
Isaiah 41:10 Don’t be afraid, for I am with you! Don’t be frightened, for I am your God. I strengthen you – yes, I help you – yes I uphold you with my saving right hand.
So here I am at 2 am, ready to lift this situation I have found myself in with someone I love very much. God is in control, God is making a way, Thy will not my will, I just need to breathe and remember that I am loved even with this current struggle. And worry does not change outcome…..if I’m worried about or not, what’s going to happen is going to happen without my intervention.
I’ll have to look up the verse but someplace in the Bible it says….in my weakness, He is strong.
After all, am I really that powerful…..no no I’m not but He is.
It’s been far too long since I have written. I have started many posts since my last one but are all unfinished thoughts. Not coming together easily. Which is how writing works for me.
I think I’ve posted about seasons before but I didn’t even go back and look. I write what’s put on my heart. Most often it’s what I need to hear in this moment. And the words just flow out of me. Sometimes so fast that I can’t type fast enough or catch that auto correct changed put to out (that one happens all the time)
So I love to refer to time periods as seasons. I’m in a season of waiting. Or I’m in a season of growth. Or I’m in a season of asking questions.
I love to refer to these times as seasons because it reminds me that these times are not permanent. They change. They bloom. And then they transform into something else. They are still. And then experience new growth. And they even are wonderful and warm and those seasons change too. But again not forever.
I have been in a season, maybe several the last few months. A season of contentment but still wanting more. A season of stillness but still wanting more. A season of what i thought was understanding and great communication but knowing something was wrong. A season of learning to ask for help and learning to accept it.
And now a season of exclusion and not understanding but trusting anyway. This is an opportunity to step back and let someone else work out their pain and hurts without my interference or influence.
And even with how hard this is and how much my heart is hurting,
I MUST remember this it’s a season, not a sentence.
I MUST remember that God is in control.
I MUST remember that while hurt people hurt people, healing people heal people. But it’s only when that hurting person seeks healing.
I MUST remember that what someone thinks or says about me, doesn’t make it true.
I MUST remember that recovery is about progress not perfection.
I MUST remember that 2 people can be in the same experience but see and feel things so differently.
I MUST remember to give grace when I love someone but disagree with them too.
My very first Bible study, 10 years ago now, was The Prodigal God. A 12 week study on the Prodigal Son. My brother teased me that it took 12 weeks to look at 21 Bible verses! But it was a deep dive on looking at everyone in the story. How was the Dad feeling? What was the other brother thinking when his brother returned. Anyway it was a cool study on relationships and feelings.
So I’ve been reflecting on how the Dad must of felt. Giving his son his inheritance and letting him leave. Not understanding or wanting this for his son. Not knowing where he was or what he was doing. Being concerned for his other son’s feelings. Did he watch every day for his son to return.
His must have known that it was for a season and not a sentence. And that seasons change.
According to Wikipedia ‘personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits.’
Codependency and lack of boundaries are in my experience good friends.
I may have had some boundaries in the past but allowed others to catapult over them and did nothing about it. Or I would move the boundary because I was not able, often because of fear, to even have consequences and then have to stick to them.
But I have learned how boundaries keeps me safe and ‘in my lane’.
3 years go, I had to learn how to set strong boundaries while I was afraid.
The man I was dating was on an out of control drinking binge. He was living down the street in a house of other active addicts. No water. No power. The owner of the house was in jail. While I was trying to save the man I loved, I put myself in danger. I witnessed terrible things and I was afraid.
When I reached my tolerance level (finally), I asked him to leave me alone in person, by phone and by text. I yelled, I screamed. And then unknowingly, I set my first boundary by stopping my behavior. I didn’t go to the house, I didn’t answer his calls and I didn’t text him back. It was hard but necessary.
And then it escalated.
I received 100’s and 100’s of text messages from 3 phones he had access to. At all hours of the day and night. I called the police and asked for help. Sadly there was nothing they could do…..yet. And the yet is what scared me the most. I called my best friend and told her that this is what lifetime movies are made of and I was afraid.
He came to my house at 5 am drunk and pounded on my front door. I called the police and got paperwork for trespassing for next time he comes. Next time, great.
More texts and calls. And I didn’t answer any of them. But it was still escalating.
He entered my home while I was a work. My son was home and called me. I called the police and drove home. I arrived just minutes after the police did. Apparently he had fallen on the walk to my house and had blood all over his face and hands. (And my fence and back door) I went and was issued an emergency protective order. But they couldn’t find him.
So now I had to wait for the PO to be served to him. And he would leave me alone and this would all stop.
More texts and calls and then they stopped. He then texted me and I had him violated and he went to jail. Then he called me from jail. 32 times. Another violation. He spent 31 days in jail and I was issued a 2 year protective order. Then he stood by my mail box and street corner for weeks after. But that didn’t violate my order. It was terrifying. I remember thinking about how this makes women go crazy and I would end up hurting him from the mental games and end up in jail. Thankfully that didn’t happen and he finally went away.
All this to say, this was the start of me giving myself permission to put down the fear, shame and feeling responsible .and understand the importance of creating personal boundaries.
So let’s talk about boundaries for a minute.
We need boundaries in all aspects of our life. Family. Work. Hobbies. Money. Time. I have found that having them actually makes my life easier. Allowing me to say no to some things that are not healthy for me in turn it allows me to say yes to more things that fill me up.
Once I found support with my 12 step group and a counselor, I gained some self awareness of what I am willing to and not willing to put up with in my life. Looking at situations in my life and identify area’s that cause hurt or upset or even where I’m spending time that is not for my greater good. And how to better contain those things.
This is what some of my boundaries look like:
separating myself from a friend or group of friends
not commenting on a social media on a sensitive topic
choosing to end and walk away from an argument gracefully
telling someone that I will not discuss something with them
telling someone that I will not tolerate behaviors and if they choose to continue, I will ______
being careful what and who I share information or feelings with
being careful who I spend time with
spending time doing healthy activities
Having boundaries I gained value and do not compromise my opinions. I have started to be able to make and reach personal goals which has been difficult to even create a goal in the past. I have learned how to say no and to accept no from others. I have become a better communicator. And I know to get advise from healthy friends.
You can share with someone a boundary, but you don’t always have to. Simply changing your behavior to match the boundary is enough.
Starting small and giving yourself grace is super important. It all takes time to learn how to do this after a life time of not. You build on success. It takes support, courage and practice.
I am a self proclaimed nerd. I am one of those people who really enjoys court shows. I have watched Judge Judy basically since it started and before that I watched The People’s Court. And to be completely transparent, I used to even TiVo them when I had cable. And now I watch them on You Tube….I know there is a group for that. =]
I know they are not really ‘real’ and I know the show pays the verdict. But I am fascinated by human behavior and this for me is just some good ol’ people watching.
The case today on Judge Faith was a divorced couple with a 3 year old child. They have taken each other to court 22 times in the last 2 years. Now come on, there is a TON of hurts happening there that is resulting in resentments and prolonged pain.
Judge Faith said the most beautiful thing to them and it made me pause and be so grateful for recovery and the program that I work, everyday. Because I know firsthand what she was talking about.
She said ‘Revenge is for the weak. Do you understand that? Revenge is for the weak. It takes a strong person to forgive and I am telling you right now, your life will be a lot easier because you both feel like you have been wronged. Your life will be a lot easier, if you learn to accept the apology you are never going to get.’
Amen amen amen! Jumping up and down amen!
There is this amazing thing that happens in recovery. It starts with step 1 but then somewhere during the 4th and 5th steps it happens. Only those who are ready and strong to get real and do the work, benefit from this amazing gift.
Something written on your heart, written on your very soul is healed and you experience this sense of peace. You own your part and identify there’s. This incredible what almost feels like a super human ability to accept an apology that you are never going to get.
If you have done your 4th and 5th step, you know what I’m talking about and if you are not there yet, please know that there is hope to heal old hurts of the past. Something that changed you to your core, with the strength that can only be with God’s hand, once again is changed and healed.
Your life will be a lot easier, if you learn to accept the apology you are never going to get.
It’s not ____’s problem, until it becomes ____’s problem, before then there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO!
Have you ever loved an addict? Or even have addictive behaviors yourself?
Many things come to mind that I have said out loud:
• Where is your bottom?
• When is enough?
• Will you stop for me?
• If he loves me, he will stop
• I can soften his fall and he will stop
• I’ll just pretend it’s not happening
But the hard truth is, until the person gets to the point that they have had enough and they want to try something different and only until that happens there is nothing you can do. And trying to do something will only hurt you and them.
Addiction is selfish. It’s all consuming. It is deceptive. Addiction lies.
Addiction may temporarily pause feelings. It may temporarily makes you feel better (but does it). Addiction might even give you comfort. But it lies.
As someone who has loved an addict (several in fact), I hurt myself and the addict when I tried to help when they couldn’t answer yes to the following questions:
• Have you had enough?
• Are you willing to try a new way of living?
So until they can answer those questions YES, there is nothing you can do. Except, to create boundaries around that person to protect yourself and them.
Boundaries are hard but necessary.
I’ll write about boundaries next time, tonight I just wanted to give a voice to the part of me (and maybe you too) that it’s not your fault and you can’t fix someone else’s addiction no matter how much you want to. But there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO for them.