Tag Archives: sober

Promises…

Why does addiction start? Is it running from something? Is it escaping feelings? Is it trying to mask who they really are? 

Addiction in this sick way makes promises to the addict. Whispering promises like:

  • You Belong
  • You are in control
  • You are strong 
  • You can trust 
  • You have hope
  • You are confident
  • You are brave
  • You are full of joy
  • Your life is full 
  • You are worthy
  • You are not judged

And at first it works. The addict feels strong and in control and that they belong and that they can  use this mask to cover up what’s really going on inside them. 

After those feelings the addict is hit with guilt and shame and sadness that this illusion didn’t last long enough so they use again and again again to escape themselves and this internal prison. 

Here’s the truth…… RECOVERY DELIVERS EVERYTHING ADDICTION PROMISES and more. 

It is only by the power of recovery that you are able to:

  1. Admit you can’t 
  2. Know that God can
  3. Let God
  4. Look within
  5. Admit wrongs
  6. Get ready to change
  7. Seek Gods help
  8. Become willing 
  9. Make amends
  10. Do a daily inventory
  11. Pray and meditate
  12. Give it away


And just like how Recovery delivers addictions broken promises. These are Gods promises too. God has promised us:

  • we are forgiven
  • we are free
  • there is hope
  • we each have purpose
  • we each are gifted
  • that we are valued 
  • and that we are blessed! 

My journey to serenity continues….

Meeting you where you are….

One thing I love is that God meets us where we are. No need to perform before we start over. No check lists to check off. Doesn’t matter that it’s the 1st time or the 100th time we messed up, we have as many start overs that we need. And the one that matters is the last one. 

What does the Bible say about starting over…

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

See not only do I get to start over but I am also forgiven for the past mistakes. The old had passed and the new has come! 

What does the Bible say about the future…

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

My future is bright because of Gods grace and love. 

As I continue to heal and grow in recovery (it’s 18 months by the way) I love the direction my life is moving. I love the friendships that I have with others in recovery. 

I was thinking about how much this blog means to me and how I love to share about my recovery. And was also thinking about how I’ve been able to use my artwork in my posts. Art work that I made a year before my journey to recovery started. God knew that I would be in this place and be able to use both of these creative outlets. 

What’s next for me in my recovery? 

I’m finishing up a step study, we have a couple of weeks left. We are planning on staying together as a group and do another study together. I was also asked to co-lead the next women’s step study. I am now part of the leadership team for CR and I hope to start to do more for our group, like be able to teach now and then. I am working on a book about my experience in recovery! It’s an extension from my blog. I am in the process of writing it now. I started a local group of bloggers to support each other. We meet twice a month. It’s a fun group and we all blog different topics. 

God met me where I was and sent the right people to walk me out of the mess and chaos that was my life and now the more I trust His plan for me, the more amazing things are revealed to me. Because I’m ready now. I’m ready to share more with others about what God has done in my life! 

Stay on this journey with me….the best is yet to be. 

My journey to serenity continues…

500 Days of looking up!!! 

500 days of focusing on my needs. My program. My journey.

500 days of not looking back. 


500 days of understanding how my life was overtaken by chaos and having a plan in place to never allow that nonsense and foolishness to rule my world again. 

500 days of saying no to what no longer serves me but yes to things that do. 

500 days of trusting that I’m heading in the right direction. One step at a time. 

500 days of listening to my life tell an amazing story of understanding and letting go. 

500 days of steps forward and a few back, and sometimes standing still while feelings pass over me. But those steps back and standing still moments did not derail me, they did not stop my forward momentum. Instead those moments gave me rest to keep going. 

I am 500 days away from the addict/ codependent dance that I knew so well. 

I am 500 days closer to the person God wants me to be. 

I am 500 days closer to the life that I got off track from.

I still have work to do for sure but it’s amazing what can happen in just 500 days if you just let go and let God. 

500 days of looking up and thinking…I trust You. You hold the answers. I will praise You for all you have done in my life. 

My journey continues….one day at a time. 

I took this picture from my back yard and use font candy to add the text. 

Open Letter to The Reader of My Blog…

Dear Reader of This Girls Journey to Serenity- 

If you have read one post or all 95 (including this one) I can not thank you enough. You taking the time to read about my thoughts and feeling about recovery.  This journey is amazing. I love when your like a post and the feedback from comments have been so awesome. It has been unexpected and wonderful. 

I started this journey because I needed an outlet of being able to work out my thoughts and feeling in a safe place…..haha yeah great idea of posting on the Internet my deepest darkest thoughts, hurts and struggles …..who knew that I would find support and encouragement and that it can be a safe place. 

Your encouragement fills me up and my cup (or umbrella) overflows with love and gradatude. 

  

My friends just didn’t understand or know how to help when all I really needed was someone to listen. 

 I get to be honest and real and genuine and confused and frustrated and sad and hopeful and get to write about whatever is on my heart at that moment. 

I get to say out loud how God is working in my life. 

I get to use my art work in ways I never knew when I painted most of them. 

I have found my voice of sharing my story through blogging about it. I plan on giving my testimony around the one year mark at my Celebrate Recovery Meeting in February. I’m debating on if I should post it. Time will tell. I am leading a meeting in a couple weeks and I am so excited for that. I will post that one I think. It’s a good one of I don’t say so myself. 

I think if you have read a few of my posts, you know who I am. I write like how I talk. One of my recovery meeting friends reads my blog and she told me that she can hear my voice as she’s reading it. I love that. 

My sponsor can’t believe that I blog my journey and is always saying how amazing it is that I am so willing to be real and share with others my story. Oh and by the way, she cried when she read my letter to her and so did my BFF. 

This recovery thing…..it’s hard work. But man oh man is it worth the effort. 

Thank you so much for being on this ride with me, the best is yet to be. 

Much love and light 

Mar

My journey continues….

Life lessons from unexpected places…

I have never been one to do what’s popular. Tv shows, sports, games, if it’s the ‘in thing’ I likely am not into it at all. I’ve pretty much always marched to my own drummer and sometimes my own drum line! 

There is this app/game named Flow. I don’t know how popular this game is but it’s a simple game of connecting colored dots. There are different sized puzzles. I play it when waiting in line or play it at work while I’m on the phone sometimes. I don’t work in a phone center but I spend a lot of time on the phone with clients and I answer a lot of same types of questions so sometimes I just need to keep my brain busy. 

You can look for meaning in just about everything. I wrote another blog post about life lessons from painting. So now I wanted to share life lessons I have been reminded of from playing the game Flow. 

  

#1 Getting from point A to point B is not typically a straight line. Wouldn’t life be boring if we did things that went easy and in a straight line? 

#2 There is more than one way to get a job done. I may do something differently than someone else, doesn’t make either way wrong. 

#3 Getting help from others who have already been there is totally a good thing. Asking for help is a great thing. No need to reinvent the wheel when you don’t have to. 

#4 You can always work more than one line at a time and sometimes it shows you the next path. Working multiple things helps put things into place.

#5 Sometimes if you are so off track, you can start over. You can. It’s ok to do that!!! 

So there you have it. Life is not a straight line, there more than one way to get ‘er done, ask for help, new paths are revealed and you can absolutely start over! 

Thanks Flow for the simple reminders. 

My journey to serenity continues…

The photo used in this post is a screen shot from a game I played using the app Flow. 

I’m always open to comments and feedback. Please like and comment or you can email me at ThisGirlsJourneyToSerenity@gmail.com

I changed my destiny…

Its been a few weeks since I’ve written. I’ve had a bunch of life destractions and I’ve had this blog post on my heart for weeks but just couldn’t get here. 

I’m committed to focus on what’s going right over what’s going wrong and get myself back on track in life and in my recovery. 

I heard this speaker a few years ago and follow her on Facebook. While I appreciate her words of wisdom, one of her things is ‘rewriting your story.’ It bugs me every time I read about it. 

Why does it bug me? 

It bugs me because you can’t rewrite your story. 

Would I love to go back in time and not be abused by one of my brothers? Heck yes. Would I love to go back in time and have parents what didn’t drink to cope with life. Heck yes. Would I love to go back in time and make different choices in high school when it came to drinking and other decisions? Heck yes! Would I love to go back in time and choose a different guy to marry? Heck yes! Would I love to go back in time to handle my marriage differently and not shut down like I did? Heck yes! Would I love to go back in time and have this wall I’ve built around me to keep people out? Hell Yes!  Would I love to go back in time and not get involved in  limited relationships because they are easy and safe? Hell Yes! Would I love to back in time and not date the guy I did least year which derailed my life? OH HELL YES! Would I love to back in time and tell the truth every time I told a lie? OH HELL YES! 

But here is the thing, I can’t go back and rewrite any of those things.

Many of those thing made me into the person I am today. Having not been there, I wouldn’t be here!

Having not been there, I wouldn’t be able to see the pattern of choices that didn’t make sense until now. Having not been there, I wouldn’t have my amazing sons who inspire me everyday. Having not been there, I wouldn’t understand how important it is for me and for others to share my story. 

If I kept on the road I was on…..I would not be in a good place. I’d likely be homeless. I wouldn’t have my kids. I’d be clinging to a guy who is in jail going no where fast. I would be drinking or worse. I would have given up on who I was meant to be. 

So what I did…..is I changed my destiny! I hit my bottom and I listened to myself and said I’ve had enough and I’m ready for a new way of life. It was not easy to try a different way, I fell back a few times and thought what I knew was easier. The lie was easier then the truth. 

But I said to myself, to God and to anyone who would listen that my life became unmanageable. 

I started with one moment at a time, making the next right choice. And those moments got longer and became one hour and then one day at a time. I unraveled my life from his and when my head cleared I was able to start my recovery. 

So now I’m in a recovery program, have a sponsor, working the steps and am on step 4. I struggle some days with memories of the past. I have to remember where that life was taking me and remind myself how far I have come and that I’m important to a lot of people. Most importantly, God has big plans for me. 

My journey to serenity continues…

The price of playing poker…

Last year I thought I knew about boundaries. I thought I had boundaries. I thought I knew how that stuff worked. 

I didn’t. 

When my ex boyfriend hit a boundary what I should have done is stuck to it and give him push back but what I did is run around covering for him, made excuses and I put myself and my family at risk. 

The price of playing poker and the stakes are high. 

The price of playing poker for me was my worst nightmare…my children. When things got out of control again in July, my kids left and went to live with my ex husband. 2 of my kids left for 2 weeks. 1 just came back home last month. 

That was the darkest time of my life. After the boys left, I kicked my ex out of the house again. 

I remember sobbing on the sofa. That awful cry that no one should see. I felt so alone and crushed by what was happening around me. My kids left and my boyfriend in binge drinking and my life was a mess. 

 

I cried so much I felt dehydrated. Terrible things went through my mind. What if I wasn’t here. What if I ended it all because the pain I felt just almost too much to handle. And what stopped me, was I couldn’t leave my boys. I couldn’t burden them with the pain I was feeling. It would end my pain, but increase their pain a million times and I couldn’t let them think it was their fault, because it was mine. 

After I was out of tears, I had to figure out what to do. And I continued to make foolish decisions because all I wanted back was the sober man who said he loved me. 

But the mistake I made is that I ran after him. I continued to make excuses even to myself to justify his bad behavior. I was not truthful to my sons when they came back home about where I was and who I was with. 

It’s took me several more months to unravel my heart and head from this relationship. 

And it ended with a protective order and my broken heart. 

In some ways I feel like I am still paying the price of playing poker. It has taken time to earn my boys trust again. It has taken time to unravel my heart from his. I am healing. It will take time. More than I want it to because we what what we what when we want it. 

All things happen on Gods perfect timing. God is working in my life everyday. And I am grateful to have finally be in this place and not in that place anymore. 

My journey to serenity continues…

The graphic used in this post was created with the help of Google Images and Font Candy to add the text.