Tag Archives: tattoo

Two sides of HOPE

Side one…..In the past I had…..

Hoped that he would change
Hoped that he would notice my pain
Hoped that he would keep his promises 
Hoped that he would stop drinking
Hoped he would choose me
Hoped that I would be heard this time 
Hoped that the family would be come first
Hoped that this time would be the time
Hoped that this time would be different
Hoped others didn’t notice
Hoped someone kinda would have noticed
Hoped I can fix it
Hoped I was doing the right thing…..knowing it was the wrong thing


                              Faith    HOPE      Love   Continue 

Side two……Now HOPE is different for me. 

I don’t hope in other people. Or even in myself. Don’t get me wrong, HOPE is all about positive feelings of expectation, trust and desire for a certain thing to happen. 

But today my HOPE is in God and trusting His plans for my life. From the many gifts He has given me not only to be my best self but to also live out the 12 steps and glorify Him in all of my affairs. 

My journey to serenity continues…

I designed this tattoo on my arm. Faith Hope Love and I choose to continue. 

Checking in…

it’s been a busy week and I have not blogged.

Wanted to check in real quick and let you know I’m doing well. 

I’ve been digresting what I’ve written about so far for my Step 4 and working out the next situation I’m writing about. I’ve shared it with my sponsor.

Amazing how I see the connections now that I didn’t see before. How one situation led me to the next. 

One thing I’ll share with you is the impact one of my brothers had on me that I’ve carried with me my entire life. I don’t want to share the entire story but I will share that he told me for my entire life that I was found in a trash can and they felt sorry for me and took me home. For YEARS I was told this. While locigically I know this is not true, it changed something in me to where I have always felt alone, left out, different, not wanted and that people felt sorry for me. He used these words to control me. To put me down. To isolate me. Later in life, I have put myself in situations where I felt alone, isolated, different, not fitting in and where others put me down. 

Guess what? It’s official, it’s out in the open. Those words no longer have control. 

I know that’s it’s not true and it never was. I know that God loves me just how I am. I know my parents loved me and now that they have passed they know what he said and did to me. I spent my entire childhood protecting someone who was abusing me because I would be the one in trouble or that they would send me back to a family that didn’t want me to begin with. Even as an adult, he has been mean spirited, put me down and called me names. I had chosen not put myself in contact with him. Including not going to family events just to avoid him. However I know what to say to him now and while for right now I choose not to seek him out, I know our paths will cross at a family wedding or other event. 

That’s no longer mine and really never was. It’s done. Its in the light. And I have a plan of what to say to him. 

This week, I did get the tattoo I talked about last week and it’s a beautiful reminder to me and to who ever sees it. Looks a lot like what I drew and in that process, I did have the artist draw and redraw what I wanted because her first and second versions I didn’t like and would not have been happy with. 

  

Celebrate Recovery Meeting tonight, I’m sure I will have more to share later, as I always learn something. 

My journey to serenity continues…

New tattoo

I’ve been wanting a new tattoo for a while. I’ve had different ideas. All of them had the same basic meaning. Some with words, like a crossword some not. I’ve also wanted to get a semicolon to so I was looking for ideas and put this together. 

       Faith, Hope, Love, I choose to continue…

 

A semicolon is a popular tattoo the last couple of years. Do you know the meaning? A semicolon represents a sentence the author could have ended, but chose not to.

You see, I’m the author and the sentence is my life.

In my lifetime, I have battled denial, abuse, anxiety, depression, codependency and contemplated suicide. I want to remind myself and others the fact that because of faith, hope, love and wanting to continue I am growing and wanting to be a better person for God, for me and for my kids. 

My journey to serenity continues…