Tag Archives: brokenness

no shame in my game…

I did an interview for another codependency blogger and will be featured in a few days. Pretty excited for that. One question that jumped out was…..Do you find being a codependent an embarrassing label? 

My answer may surprise some. I answered not at all and I’d like to explain more. 

I had never even heard the term codependency until late 2015. But I have been codependent for most of my life. It’s how I learned to cope, it’s what I thought Love looked like and for some time it served me well. That’s is until it didn’t and my life got completely out of control. 

Now that I have an understanding of codependency and where is came from for me, I have no shame around this term. 

The more people I met that struggle with this, the more I know that I am in good company. Men, women from all walks of life. Codependency for me has always come from a good place. A place of love and trying to protect someone. I know now this form of love is hurtful and doesn’t allow the other person involved to grow from the experience. 

Back 6 months ago or more, I want to a training event for Celebrate Recovery (CR). We were welcomed by a motorcycle group with CR Patches on their leather jackets with a big logo on the back that said ‘my chains are broken’. These men and women who on the surface not approachable but if you talk to them you know very quickly that they love the Lord and made the attendees feel welcomed and excited to be there. Was another example of not judging others. 

Just like during my regular meeting, I heard many of them introduce themselves just like I do…hi my name is —-, I’m a grateful believer in Jesus Christ and I struggle with codependency, YES! I’m in such good company. 

I am not ashamed of this label or being part of a recovery group. 

I carry my recovery tokens on my key chain. Recently, because of my tokens, I had the opportunity to talk to complete strangers about what they meant. And both times the person who asked took the time to share with me where they were in life and what they wanted to change. What a blessing to them and to me! 

No shame in my game!!! 

My journey to serenity continues…

Meeting you where you are….

One thing I love is that God meets us where we are. No need to perform before we start over. No check lists to check off. Doesn’t matter that it’s the 1st time or the 100th time we messed up, we have as many start overs that we need. And the one that matters is the last one. 

What does the Bible say about starting over…

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

See not only do I get to start over but I am also forgiven for the past mistakes. The old had passed and the new has come! 

What does the Bible say about the future…

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

My future is bright because of Gods grace and love. 

As I continue to heal and grow in recovery (it’s 18 months by the way) I love the direction my life is moving. I love the friendships that I have with others in recovery. 

I was thinking about how much this blog means to me and how I love to share about my recovery. And was also thinking about how I’ve been able to use my artwork in my posts. Art work that I made a year before my journey to recovery started. God knew that I would be in this place and be able to use both of these creative outlets. 

What’s next for me in my recovery? 

I’m finishing up a step study, we have a couple of weeks left. We are planning on staying together as a group and do another study together. I was also asked to co-lead the next women’s step study. I am now part of the leadership team for CR and I hope to start to do more for our group, like be able to teach now and then. I am working on a book about my experience in recovery! It’s an extension from my blog. I am in the process of writing it now. I started a local group of bloggers to support each other. We meet twice a month. It’s a fun group and we all blog different topics. 

God met me where I was and sent the right people to walk me out of the mess and chaos that was my life and now the more I trust His plan for me, the more amazing things are revealed to me. Because I’m ready now. I’m ready to share more with others about what God has done in my life! 

Stay on this journey with me….the best is yet to be. 

My journey to serenity continues…

I Love You Like No Other

When I started to date my ex boyfriend, he started love bombing the second we reconnected. 

We went to high school together. Knew each other but were not really friends back then. Fairly small graduating class, everyone knew everyone.

He was watching me and I didn’t realize it. He was grooming me from the start. Commenting now and then, sending messages. Learning about my likes and dislikes. 

Telling me ALL the things I so desperately needed to hear. He like the things I liked. He did things that he knew was important to me. He added to my life by helping around the house and yard. Also added new things to my life like healthier eating, working out and meditation. 

I felt loved, and cared about and that I had a true partner. But I was fooled. He would tell me that he loved me like no other. And all this love bombing clouded my judgement. I was surrounded by this fog that I couldn’t see but the fog, I ran past stop signs and warning signs. But I was living the best I could at THAT time. 

When he said I love you like no other, was he really saying that he was so desperate and he needed me to stay because no one would love him? Maybe. Did he really even love me? Probably not. 

Takers love a giver. And he was a taker. It was the perfect storm for codependency.  

I forgive myself for who I WAS at that time. I was doing the best I knew to do. 

Being in THAT place, was the best thing that ever happened to me. Had I not been here, I wouldn’t be here in THIS place. 

I could be resentful but who does that benefit? How would serve me in my life today, it wouldn’t. My ex boyfriend was also broken and coping with life the only way he knew how. 

Today I have a RELATIONSHIP with Jesus Christ. I have always believed in Jesus. I grew up going to Church but was going through the motions. TODAY, I seek God out. I read and meditate on His word. Today I TRUST His plan for me. Today I RELY on Him for strength and understanding. 

Today I have meaningful deep relationships with others in recovery. 

Today I can look back and be grateful for the lessons learned and for that time in my life with how painful is was, because of the changes that have happened since. 

It is only by the grace of God that I found the Celebrate Recovery program, I found a sponsor, i am working the program and I can say this and mean it to my core. 

My journey to serenity continues…

On This Day….

I have a love/hate relationship with the On This Day section of Facebook. 

It’s actually one of the last things I do just about everyday. I typically go to sleep after midnight so I check to see what happened on that day in my Facebook account. 

It makes me happy so see pictures of the past of the kids doing activities they love. Or remembering the exact day pets were adopted. Or words of wisdom I have shared over the years. 

But there is a darker side of my On This Day list. It makes me sad or bring up situations and feels like they just happened. 

So I am always pretty real on Facebook. It’s not just my high-light reel, I keep it real. The good, the bad and the ugly. 

If you haven’t been reading my blog for long you may not know for sure what got me to the beautiful place of recovery. And I’m sharing more in this post than I have before about this addict/codependent relationship I was in. 

***I give details that I haven’t before so if you may be triggered, please stop reading and go read one of my other posts or skip down to the last 2 paragraphs.***

2015 was a very difficult year. The year started out with reconnecting with a high school friend who was starting his life over and needed someone to take a chance on him. He was a dry alcoholic and very newly sober which I didn’t realize it at the time. 

He told me all the things I so desperately needed to hear and molded his life around mine. I looked past the warning signs because how I felt and it made everything else fade into the background. 

July 2015 was particularly difficult. In May. I kicked him out he began binge drinking and squating in a house a few blocks away. In June, I took him to court drunk because he knew he was not leaving that day. He wrote me letters everyday and called me all the time. He talked about that we were meant to be together and he loved me like no other. I went to see him in jail every weekend and cried in the waiting room wondering how did this become my life. He told me about a book he read, something about men carrying their gold and silver sword for their family. And that he could not do that for me from jail. That if I bonded him out of jail, he would not only pay me back but it was also investing in our future. 

A month to the day, I knew it was wrong thing to do but I did it anyway.  I got a loan and bonded him out of jail. With all the hope and promise that life had to offer. This fantasy life that could be. 

I got a hotel room because the next day I had to go get kids from 2 diffferent camps and the plan was to tell the kids the next day that he was moving back in with us after 3 months of not. 

I went and got the kids from camp and came back to the room to find him drunk trying to order a pizza on my tablet. What a fucking hot mess he was. I should have walked away. But I was crazy Codependent and still couldn’t see what was going on. I burst into tears and yelled where is your gold and silver sword. I’m risking everything and you are fucking drunk, really!? He wanted to drink one last time and stop on his terms. 

I told the kids and they packed up and left. I was heartbroken. 

I let my ex stay with me a few day while the kids were with their dad and I was devastated. 

A few days later…..he continued to drink by the way….shocker……I woke up to find him on top of me, he had just hit me in the face. It took everything I had to continue to block him and get him off of me. I yelled and screamed his name to stop. He said he was dreaming and he fell back asleep and I sat curled up on the floor in fear. I asked to pack his shit and leave, that I couldn’t do this. I had to figure out how to get my kids back. 

Now mid July, he left, the kids were still gone and not talking to me. 

I was so broken. I cried for hours. Until I had no tears left in me. I was sobbing. I wanted my pain to end and considered ending my life to make the pain stop. I started to write a note and I had a knife by my side. I even thought about going to the hospital but figured I’d loose the kids forever if I did that. The thing that stopped me was actually a conversation with my oldest son 2 years earlier when a classmate committed suicide. It’s only transfers the pain to someone else and you don’t fix a temporary problem with a permanent solution echoed in my head. I dried my tears and did the only thing I knew to do, chase after my ex. 

Ugh. These memories are so hard to feel again. But this year is better than last year and this year I have even more skills and tools than last year. 

I took out my tool kit from my  3 Circles Method post and keeping that close during the next few weeks while these memories pop up. I have to have a plan to not get into a dark place. 

My advise to myself or anyone else that has these types of memories is to be gentle on myself/yourself. I was doing the best I could at the time with what I knew and felt. And now, I would make a different choice but there is no sense in beating up who I was because I’m not that girl anymore, i’m this girl now!!! 

My journey to serenity continues…

Beauty in Brokenness

There have been times when I have felt broken. Defeated. Damaged. Crushed. Hurt. Sadness over the loss of hopes, dreams and what could have been. 

What I have learned during those times is that those feelings do not last forever and there are lessons to be learned. It is so very hard to remember these truths when you are middle of those feelings. 

Finding the beauty in brokenness.  

 
What does the bible say about brokenness? Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Last year highlighted my codependency nature, it was been a part of who I am as long as I can remember. Codependency is about control. Controlling the things around me. Giving up control, surrendering to God’s will has changed my life the last few months.

I could be resentful and angry about last year….I could be but I choose not to be. I choose to find the beauty in brokenness. Knowing that I am stronger today than yesterday and stronger for having been in at awful place. 

There is a song by Jon Guerra Stained Glass. he sings in part….

show me what you see
when you look at me
show me what is real
more than what i feel
we have stains, it’s true
but when your light shines through 
we all look like stained glass windows to you

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QhfpgrqgAso  

God sees me, the person that he wants me to be, stained, broken. hurt and being put back together only because of His grace and love. 

Broken is beautiful because when the pieces are back together a new better version of me is created. 

My journey to serenity continues….